Got Love For Sale: Analyzing The "Gene Simmons Sex Tape"

As evidenced by his band's eagerness to place their name and likenesses on posters, t-shirts, mugs, license plates, fine hand-painted glassware, comic books, bicycle pants, condoms, and coffins, KISS frontman Gene Simmons is not afraid to sell anything. So is it too much of a stretch to believe that he'd sell himself, his penis, and the virtue of some aspiring model just to make a quick buck on the internet? That was the question on everyone's mind upon discovering that yet another celebrity sex tape had mysteriously "leaked" this week. Actually, that was pretty far down on the list of unsettling questions this tape raises, somewhere between "Does Gene Simmons really fuck with Steve Perry music in the background?" and "Seriously, Steve Perry?" More contextual analysis after the jump.

Judging by the reactions of some of our commenters and other bloggers, the real question is not if "The Demon" had a hand in this — or even whether it's really him — but why its execution is so, um ... uninspired. After all, what would it say about the failed Celebrity Apprentice's marketing skills that he would participate in a videotaped sexual liaison and not once employ his trademark gargantuan tongue? (Maybe that's why he ended up failing.) Hard Luck Woman, indeed.

Meanwhile, others are wondering about the mysterious yodel-loving "Elsa" and her role in all of this: it's obvious that she couldn't possibly have taken part in this endeavor without the promise of considerable financial reward herself, since she's clearly not in it for the romance. And then there are those who think the costar of the video is a Gene Simmons lookalike and that the whole thing is just a ruse to discredit his famously overblown persona. (Just ask NPR's Terry Gross about that.)

Even if the God of Thunder didn't authorize this dastardly money-making scheme himself, he may find a way to cash in on it eventually; hopefully that "offshore site operated in Panama" that's hosting the video has a good team of lawyers on its side. On the other hand, our sentimental side wants to believe in one blogger's interpretation that what we're witnessing is a passion play about two lovers united by cheesy power pop ballads of the '80s ... yet torn apart by fate. Maybe Paul Stanley could write a ballad about it?

· For even closer analysis, see "How Gene Simmons' Sex Tape Is The Fairytale Romance Of Our Time" (Gawker)

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Previously: Calling Dr. Love (To Please Euthanize Us): The "Gene Simmons Sex Tape"

Send an email to Dashiell Bennett, the author of this post, at dashiell@deadspin.com.

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