Marital Aid Test Kitchen: The Monkey Rocker

How many times have you had the following conversation?

"They're on the floor again, Hector."

"Dammit! Keep getting lube all over your vibe batteries and I'm leaving you!"

It makes one long for simple, solid machines like the Monkey Rocker. Read our review after the gap.
- G. Ponante

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"It's 25 lbs. and it's portable."

"What is?"

"The Monkey Rocker."

"Oh."

I was speaking with the Seicherts, the married development and marketing team for the Monkey Rocker, an isometric device that uses only your easy forward and backward motion to fuck the living shit out of you.

The Rocker, not actually made of monkeys, is like a truncated rowing machine that a prospective penetratee will sit on and roll back and forth on a level track. On the forward roll - surprise! - a dildo pops up. A dildo pops up you.

It seems like a perfect machine for the upwardly-mobile office assistant to service her boss while he is taking an important call. Meanwhile, with every lunge forward, a monster cock surges upward like Martin Sheen in "Apocalypse Now". Quelle horreur!. The Rocker also has applications for the self-pegging gentleman.

The unit sells for about $800, or about the same price as a California no-fault divorce.

Married 22 years, the Seicherts make the Rockers in batches of 30, and are looking to rammp up production.

"What muscles do you develop with heavy use of this machine?" I asked.

"The calves, I guess," Dan Seichert said, but you'd really have to be fucking all night."

· Monkey Rocker (monkeyrocker.com)

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Previously in the MATK: Doc Johnson's Cuddles, 2 Tone Dual Delight, 5-in-1 Finger Vibes, Pleasure Pearl Masturbator, Rabbit Rider, The G-Spot Hot Handle, Heavy Love Balls, Pink Indulgence Massage Wand, Porn Valley Dispatch Archive