The Ladies (click for trailer)

Hustler Video

Genre: Parody

Director: Stuart Canterbury

Cast: Kagney Linn Karter, Marcus London, Aiden Starr, Billy Glide, Kylee Reese, Callie Dee, Veronica Rayne, Anthony Rosano, Missy Stone, Kris Slater

Non-sex roles: Veronica Hart, Kelly Leigh, Paul Wilson, David Park, Max Spanktum

Length: 90:50 minutes

Date of Production: 2009

Kagney Linn Karter

Extras: The only real extra worth noting was the 12:18 minute long Behind the Scenes feature by "Coach". It was too short to really give the cast and crew much time but there were some tidbits worth checking out and additional nudity so aside from a handful of anecdotes about the production and those within, it was on the low end of the spectrum for me. There was also a bunch of spam commercials, some trailers, a slide show, and a method to select a female performer to go straight to her scene.

Condoms: None

Aiden Starr and Billy Glide

Audio/Video Quality: This Ain't Hell's Kitchen XXX was presented in a fetching 1.78:1 widescreen color by director Stuart Canterbury for Hustler Video using the AVC codec; a standard on Blu-Ray discs; the standard definition version in MPEG-2 with the usual 480p resolution compared to the 1080i resolution of the high definition version, partially made up for by the SD's anamorphic nature). My knowledge of the SD version of the title allows me to compare the two; it lacked the better resolution and purity of fleshtones this version had, the bitrate often hovering around 20.1 Mbps area compared to less than a third that in the SD version which seemed to hover around the 6.6 Mbps mark. The use of video bothers some folks but it suited the nature of the show far more than film would have and the contrasts were all enhanced by the high definition approach. There were no obvious compression artifacts, no grain to speak of, and I saw no macro-blocking or other issues that pop up; thanks in no small part to the proper lighting applied here in most cases. The summation of the visuals is that they made the show look better than ever, my sole complaint being that the composition of the camera angles and editing, while good, did not seem to be the best way to enhance the looks of some of the ladies. The audio was presented in a 2.0 Dolby Digital stereo English using a 192 Kbps bitrate at 48 kHz in both versions. The vocals on the scenes were flat and even in most cases, the voice-overs sounding somewhat warmer in tone and always easier to hear, and the minimal music seemed to come from the stock library used for years by the series. In terms of upgrades then, the visuals got the largest boost by a wide margin with the aural capabilities once again cleaned up but only slightly.

Kylee Reese and Callie Dee

Body of Review: Stuart Canterbury is no stranger to directing parodies over the years, his work at Hustler Video including the modest Get Smartass I enjoyed not too long ago. While the company has alternated between distributing the best "sitcums" and trying to make quality efforts on their own (their best effort to date being This Ain't Happy Days XXX), they have expanded their efforts even more than ever with their latest being This Ain't Hell's Kitchen XXX. The original show is a reality type pitting wannabe chefs competing for prizes with a prick judge (Chef Ramsey) that torments them endlessly. Stuart approached the project in a largely straightforward manner, adding snippets of humor as he saw fit to play off the chef (using Marcus London in the role) but also sticking with lightweight sex of the vanilla variety as if designing the project for an audience not accustomed to hardcore porn. The technical aspects looked pretty good, especially in the high definition Blu-ray version, but my limited experiences with the original show will admittedly limit my ability to compare this pornified version with the original. Here's a brief look at the scenes by cast and action, noting that no condoms were used for those still interested:

Veronica Rayne and Anthony Rosano

Scene One: Kagney Linn Karter, the exceptionally cute blond featured on the front cover, was up first as she got the attention of the nasty chef played by Marcus London. He did a fair job of capturing the original from the TV show until this point, the two wrapped up in their little tryst by pawing each other until she saw fit to drop to her knees and slob his knob. She kept eye contact with him and seemed responsive when he reciprocated by going down on her, the metal table in the kitchen serving them well as a platform for the liaison. This led to two whole vaginal positions of penetrative sex, doggy and missionary, and a titty fuck before he rubbed out a load of genetic juice to her lovely mouth. It wasn't a bad scene but it left me wanting a whole lot more.

Missy Stone

Scene Two: Aiden Starr, a popular performer at porn conventions, was up next in the restaurant with muscular Billy Glide, the gal wrapping her lips around his pecker to go at him whole hog. Aiden's oral skills are well documented on Xcritic but he did seem to be more than a mouthful for her so she used her hand to limit how much would be driven into her tonsils. Billy gave her some licks too before pounding her pussy, her passive ride getting much better when she was on top of his lap. After milking his nuts dry, Billy unleashed a wad of population pudding on her face, Aiden sucking out the remaining drops as the other patrons fussed.

Scene Three: Kylee Reese and Callie Dee were up next in the smoky kitchen, Marcus watching them closely after he whined about a dish gone bad. The ladies were slow and deliberate here, taking plenty of time to go down on each other and rub themselves the right way, some playful facial expressions included. They looked good but the manner in which the scene was captured suggested it could have been handled better, the fake moaning and mediocre editing not helping any more than Marcus barking out comments from time to time. Towards the end, I think Stuart must have realized the lack of chemistry and had them each do a solo act beside each other, the heat seemingly better for that brief moment in time.

Scene Four: Veronica Rayne, the disgruntled food critic that got upset during scene two, was up next as she used her position to get moper Anthony Rosano to service her on the bar counter. He fingered her as he ate away on her labia, Veronica adding some vocal commentary before a short hummer led to them screwing vaginally (again in a limited few positions). There was no personal chemistry between them that I could see and that weakened the otherwise fair scene, the wad of spew landing on her tits after some moderately active riding by the gal.

Scene Five: Missy Stone, a lean and attractive cutie with an all natural body, was up last as she attempted to game the system and stave off losing her chance at the $250,000 by seducing moper Kris Slater on a couch. She promised anything and began with a blowjob, the care she put into it such that she climbed onto his cock rather quickly, Kris pounding her as best he could while she encouraged him to drive deeper. The scene ended when he rubbed out a small load of spew on her torso, some of it even hitting her tits and neck but the pair kissing before the ending credits rolled about a scene and a half too soon.

Summary: This Ain't Hell's Kitchen XXX by director Stuart Canterbury for Hustler Video was certainly not his finest hour, the project falling barely above This Ain't the Munsters XXX and far short of the better porn parodies that have come out of late so I rated it as a Rent It. The Blu-ray looked very crisp and took better advantage of the format than a great many other sitcums but the story elements and sex all fell short of the mark so while you might get a little bit out of it, you can do far better. In short, This Ain't Hell's Kitchen XXX was a cute send up to the original television show but compared to the vast number of similar projects on the market at this writing, I just expect a seasoned director like Stuart to strut his stuff better, even when given limited budgets and resources to work with.