The Couches of Europe: Viv Thomas’ “Members Only 5”

On squeaky European beds, Europeans with better haircuts than us fuck other Europeans with better cheekbones than us in Viv Thomas' "Members Only 5." While Groucho Marx avoided joining any club that would have him as a member, well, you finish that sentence because I have to pawn all this IKEA furniture and take advantage of those super-low fares to Europia.

I do not know why this series is called "Members Only." Does it have to do with the fact that Viv Thomas primarily shoots girl/girl titles and this one has cocks in it? Or does it have something to do with the fact that I just today signed up for another year of AAA and the gang at the Auto Club decided to send me this instead of Westways? Regardless, all I know is that Sylvia Lauren might as well not be wearing those Daisy Dukes at all.

Later, Rita Faltoyano shows up with a tattooed dude in non-standard black socks. Their couch is a massive thing, carved, it seems, out of a single tree. Jesus Christ! That couch is huge. I hope Rita doesn't call me when she moves, because I've just got one of those mini-SUVs.

We haven't seen Faltoyano stateside in a while since she broke up with Tommy Gunn. I hope things are OK over there. Still, seriously, I'm good for a couple of boxes of books but you've got to call somebody else for that couch.

The only dialogue in the movie occurs in Sene Four between Valery Hilton and her partner. We'll call him Anton.

"What do you think, some whiskey?" Anton asks.

"Um No," Hilton responds, and points at his parts. "This." Aside from turning down the alcohol, Hilton's English meets the standards of the L.A. Unified School District.

With her Sunset Thomas haircut, Cindy Dollar becomes one with what appears to be a low pile plush divan. It looks comfortable, but those things are hard to clean.

· Buy "Members Only 5" (vivthomas.com)