Sex Factor Episode 3 Review: Boners Are Harder Than They Look (Zing)

In my deepest, darkest nightmares, I'm having sex when my partner stops me and says "Colette, you do not have the sex factor." Luckily, this is but a bad dream for me (knock on wood—sorry, I'll stop.) For the contestants of XHamster's The Sex Factor, a reality TV show that grants the winner $1 million and resounding porn stardom, this is a reality. And this week, I realized just how different having sex and having sex on camera are. Here are my 5 lessons of the week, as gleaned by 

1. Performance anxiety is a bitch

It's a little like high school theater, if you ever did it. Acting seemed fun and awesome and relatively easy up to a certain age, like something accessible that maybe we could all do with enough practice. And perhaps with enough practice, it performing would get easier, but I can remember the first time I ever tried acting in front of a crowd and how my anxiety rendered me a babbling, shaking, mess. I can also remember getting so nervous to have sex with new partners that my limbs didn't quite work in tandem the way they normally do. Now imagine BOTH of these things happening at once. This is learning how to be a porn star.  

2. "Look back at it" is legitimate sex advice 

When Allie Knox had sex with Hero D. Protagonist (a very hot combination of humans, by the way), she hopped on top and the judges told her to "look back it," meaning she should turn around to check out his dick entering her so the camera could get her expression. I've always known the importance of eye contact during sex, but I'd never considered actually looking back at it in that position. I imagine it's hot to watch yourself and hot to watch the person of top of you be so enthusiastic about watching it. 

3. Being a porn star is about opening up to the camera

Being Good at Sex is challenging enough when you're that nervous, but being Good at Sex you can see is infinitely harder. One consistency I noticed is that more often than not, good angles are about opening your body and your partners body to the camera. Khaya and the Colonel pretty much nailed this, whether that was thanks to that pool table, the fact that Khaya squirted on camera, or the epic pop shot that the very excited Colonel delivered all over her face, which she proceeded to play with after the scene was done. This is a good time to mention that when you're going for visual impact in your real sex life, it's not a bad idea to pretend like you're being filmed. 

4. Boners are harder than they look

After going most of my life watching guys get hard in three seconds or less, I still find it difficult to remember that getting a boner under pressure is incredibly difficult, much like having an orgasm under pressure as a woman. Kieran had some good advice for porn stars and sex-havers alike, though: When you're worried about getting it up during the action, play with yourself before. This is what female porn stars do to make sure they're wet and turned on before sex, too. Johnny Black, Sonny, and Buddy Hollywood all had trouble getting and staying hard, so lest you think it's easy to be a male porn star, remember the crushed expressions on their faces. (And that bit where Keiran called Johnny's penis a "frightened slug.")

5. Tongues: Sometimes less is more

Don't stick your tongue too far into someone's mouth. Just don't do it. Dani learned this the hard way.

At the end, two more contestants were told they didn't have the sex factor, and you know how this part goes: It's not a reality show if you can't see at least three people cry and/or scream per episode. The finale of this show did not disappoint in the temper tantrum department, thanks to a spectacular shrieking fit from Dani.