Porn For Straight Girls: Dirty Sexy History

Have you ever watched a historical drama and thought, 'Wow, that would be so much better with tons of raunchy sex?" Or read any romance novel ever and wanted to see it in film? Nica Noelle has your fix, then.

Yes, I am recommending another one of Nica Noelle's movies. My love for the woman is well-documented, but there's a reason for it: she's freaking awesome. Her movies are fantastic, the sex is great, and the storylines are minimal. Even when I don't love the whole package, it's almost always better than something else I watched recently. Also, I seem to have mostly lesbian porn in my stash right now, and there have been complaints that I'm focusing on the ladies too much lately.

"Family Secrets: Tales of Victorian Lust" is a polyamorous, historical melodrama fuck-fest, which apparently will be part of a continued series if the "To Be Continued" that ended it is anything to go by. We have four scenes: Sammy Grand and Wolf Hudson, Dane Cross and Alia Starr, Sammy and Nat Turnher (best name for this movie ever), and RayVeness and Sean Michaels. Sammy and Dane are RayVeness' children, and have been sent to stay with their former housekeeper Deluxe because the family has fallen on hard times. Obviously their arrival sexily shakes things up, with everyone slavering over everyone else. There are clearly secrets at play between the two families, and they need to be fucked out.

Our first scene comes courtesy of an elaborately erotic fantasy of Wolf's. Angry at Nat for making him look stupid in front of Sammy, he imagines snatching her away from the dinner table to show her the physical pleasures of life. I love dirty talk, and I generally favor male performers who excel in it (see: James Deen). But I must be coming around to the strong, silent thing, because oh my goodness Wolf Hudson is absurdly sexy. He doesn't speak. At all. Maybe a mumbled "Fuck," here and there, but he makes these noises. These grunting, animal noises. And I want to jump him. He actually growled into Sammy's pussy while he ate her out for a gratifyingly long time.

Dane Cross stumbles across Deluxe's daughter Alia Starr (engaged to Nat, I think?) changing and she comes to his room later to confront him about it. Obviously they end up fucking, because the Victorian Era was a lot sluttier than I thought. Dane laid the initial sweet-and-innocent on a little thick. I practically expected him to tell Alia that she made him "tingle in his boy parts." He made up for it during the actual sex, though. I loved that making out with Alia made his dick visibly jump (hot). And that while she was sucking him off he kept sitting up to grab and slap at her ass.

Sammy gets another, non-fantasy scene with Nat, with whom she's been having a literature nerd-based flirtation. I love Nica's films because the performers all get really absorbed in one another, to the point where they don't even seem aware of the cameras. Nat and Sammy are sweating and moaning all over each other and they both do this fantastic spasm when they come; Sammy flushes all the way down to her tits. It's pretty glorious. Plus, the clothes come off extremely slowly, so there's lace and corseting flying around and her buttoned boots stay on the whole time.

I didn't connect quite the same way to RayVeness and Sean Michaels' scene, but ostensibly they're the source of the "To Be Continued" since Sean Michaels has clearly been having an affair with RayVeness for years (he's married to Deluxe) and Wolf is probably the result of Deluxe's revenge (hopefully not of the Sean Michaels' affair, or this will become an incest series). Hence the "Family Secrets" of the title. For recently reunited lovers, though, RayVeness and Sean didn't have the intense passion that the others did.

The dialogue is cheesy. The outfits are goofy. But the plot is teeny-tiny and surrounds some ridiculously hot sex. I think I might be able to get off listening to Wolf Hudson fuck. It's probably not an experiment I'll try, though, since I don't want to deprive myself of his complete hotness.

· Image courtesy of Mile High Media (milehighonline.com)
· Buy "Family Secrets: Tales Of Victorian Lust" (store.fleshbot.com)

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