Marital Aid Test Kitchen: European Collection Red Bat

"Is this what they call a 'couple's toy'?" my gentleman helper asked, eyebrow arched, when I first showed him The XXX European Collection Red Bat. "Yes, it's very romantic and sensual," I told him. "Let's light some candles."

The Red Bat is, in reality, neither romantic nor sensual and is, in reality, a small silicone baseball bat. And by "small" I mean bigger than a breadbox, but smaller than Jesus—I mean Jesus the whole human being, though it is possible that he was endowed like a Red Bat. "And you're going to do what with that?" my gentleman helper wanted know. "With your kind and gentle assistance I am going to take a page from Belladonna and I'm going to fuck it."

The lovely and depraved Belladona, whome you may remember in such classics as "Evil Pink 2" and "My Ass Is Haunted", has a penchant for putting baseball bats in her and other people's orifices, which for the average American at home is probably Not a Good Idea.

That's where the Red Bat comes in. The Red Bat, unlike the Lousiville Slugger, is actually intended for placement in orifices, though it is still arguable whether or not said insertion falls into the camp of Good Idea or Bad Idea. Good Idea or not, I have reviews to write and people to entertain, so I decided to be a sport about it (you're welcome).

I am no size queen, but I do love a challenge—and oh, it certainly was. While many dildos have a nice taper so you can work your way up to the widest point, the Red Bat does you no such favors, meaning that you have to "take it all," as my helper enthused, as soon as you decide to take any of it. The intensity is eased slightly by the fact that unlike a real baseball bat, the toy has a vibrator, which helps to ease the (ahem) point of entry a bit.

While Belladonna's antics usually fall under the "leave it to the professionals" warning label, the Red Bat is a "leave it to the adventurous amateurs" kind of thing—still a little freaky, but doable if you set your mind to it.
- AR

· European Sexual Collection (erosboutique.org)

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Previously: Marital Aid Test Kitchen Archive