The following is a retro-review look at a toy tested awhile back, slightly modified but still very accurate and now with the benefit of time as well. We hope you like Don’s crazy look at a toy thrust upon him by the powers that be here:

Okay, having reviewed a few toys for the ladies, albeit with a little
help from my friends, I decided it was time to bite the bullet and see
what advances have been made in regards to toys for men. My initial
inspiration for the review was reading a friend’s review of the Jesse
Jane Love Doll, one of the most expensive toys this side of the
Sybian. While I don't get nearly enough pussy in my own life to qualify
as a true expert on the mysteries of the female form, I've done my share
of hard time pounding away at a variety of ladies to know what works and
what doesn't. Therefore, it made sense that I took a look at Doc
Johnson's Lexi UR3 Pocket Pussy.

The basic idea behind the pocket pussy is to substitute for those times
when your hand and a dab of lotion simply aren't enough and you're
between bed buddies. The benefit of the toy at hand is that you won't
have to buy it dinner, flowers, and coax it with a variety of lines
about how much you truly care. You also don't have to listen to the
endless drama so many women seem to project on their men folk and that
alone is worth trying anything to break the grip they have on our sex
lives.

Not knowing about all the technological advances since my youth, I
looked online to find out that there are a variety of such toys, most
with a fancy sounding name that you'd imagine had something to do with
rocket science. I further found out that some of them are made with
latex, to which some men are allergic, and others contain pthalates; a
chemical compound used to make plastics softer. The most common
pthalates never properly bind to the plastics they are used in and are
suspected of causing cancer. Not wanting to lose my pecker to some
dreaded form of disease, I got real interested in the content of the
toys I was testing, most of which had no warning labels.

Now that I've scared the piss out of you, my research led me to believe
that the Lexi UR3 Pocket Pussy had no harmful chemicals used in
its production. You can safely bet that I'm not going to stick my wick
in anything potentially dangerous (that isn’t squirming in ecstasy in front of me at least) and the simple fact is that modern
science has a way of trying to scare everyone (those of you old enough
to remember the red dye scares may also remember that the levels of dye
needed to cause a reaction where so high as to be negligible). The
designation UR3 is short for Ultra Realistic 3.0 and labeled as the
ultimate skin on the box. Okay, having felt a variety of skins in the
past, I was ready to see how this one felt but first I snuck a few looks
at some of Lexi Marie's movies, including Jack's POV, Sunny, Out Of Place, Scream, and Served in
order to see just how much this toy looked like the real thing.

In large part, it looked nothing like the hot little former Vivid
contract vixen but her face adorned the box on three of the four sides
and the goal of the review was more about the sensation rather than the
look. For the uninitiated, it looked like a seven inch long, eight inch
around club with a hole out the back and a reasonable facsimile of a
woman's vaginal in the front. The lips were painted reddish pink and the
slot where you cram your penis in was pretty small (we're talking
diameter of a pencil small folks!). I had my doubts about how well this
little experiment was going to work so I once again enlisted the aid of
a friendly face to get me going. My first thought was someone played a joke on me, suggesting I had a pencil dick (my kidding about having two whole inches to work with, I tend to be on the thick side), but I knew over time, the thinner it started at, the longer it would last. The most important thing about making
the toy work right was either having a really erect cock or making sure
the toy was well lubed with some water or silicon based fluid. It took awhile but
eventually, we got it in and she showed me how to properly stroke the
toy after I had some troubles trying to apply standard masturbatory
techniques.

In all, it felt pretty fricking good as the walls of this pocket pal (as
comedian Sam Kinison used to call them) hugged my shaft tightly. As I
slid the toy back, it felt very tight as it created a vacuum around the
wall of my cock. An important thing to remember about such toys is to
try and get one with an opening on both ends since it not only plays
better but it cleans out easier too. In no time at all, I was busting a
nut and while it didn't feel as good as the real thing, it felt better
than my hand since the UR3 material was flexible enough but firm enough
for a positive experience. There were no batteries, it cleaned up easily
enough (always properly clean your toys or you'll have a hard time
explaining your rash to the doctor, as well as your girlfriend), and it
was far more affordable than similar toys. In short, I'd recommend it as
an addition to your novelty collection though not as a complete
replacement of women. For less than the cost of a decent dinner, you'll
be up and running with this one.

One last caveat about the Lexi UR3 Pocket Pussy though, and this
applies to all such toys, is that even the high quality standards of Doc
Johnson won't mean much if you don't use the toy properly and keep it
clean. Always use more lube than you think you'll need, don't try to
warm it up in the oven or microwave (duh!), and keep it apart from other
plastics. If you want to enhance the feeling, soak it in warm water
before using (not hot water unless you want to run the risk of burning
your dick and having to explain it to everyone), but I can't stress
enough that using lots of lube will keep it working for you (I fucked up
and tried it with minimal lube and ended up slightly tearing the
opening; suffice it to say that my penis was far larger than the opening
and while it has a lot of give, the lube helps cram very wide cocks into
the tiny hole). As far as replay value or life expectancy, if you take
care of it, you'll get a lot of mileage out of the simple, cheap toy, a
lot more than you'd expect for under $30. Oh, and for those looking at the picture, be forewarned that the red paint on the labia washes off really fast so while it never looked all that accurate to me, it shouldn’t stun you that the cheapo paint will disappear over a few cleanings either. Good luck!