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| The Main Event |
| Even during the greatest films ever made, the viewer's mind can wander. So when, approximately three minutes into this DVD, I started thinking about other things I'd rather be doing, I was not surprised. That those things included walking into oncoming traffic, recreating the prison rape scene from American History X (in Edward Norton's role) and stabbing out my eyes with my DVD remote, was a bit more unexpected. Whoever thought it was a good idea to make a gangbang video with an abrasive, over-the-top screamer like Crystal Clear and a gang of AARP-eligible cocksmen deserves whatever corner in hell is reserved for them. Raven-haired 19-year-old Crystal is definitely not hard on the eyes, with her average-sized tits (and healthy areolas), and a look that begs you to fuck her hard and toss her away. You've seen girls like her at the mall, with their giant earrings and immense attitude and thought, "I'd like to bone her, as long as I can put a gag in her mouth." Her excessive moans and screams are annoying andcorrespond little with what's happening on-screen, as hard thrusts and slow grinds all get her off with equal power. Sure it'd be nice to think she's just hyper-orgasmic, but it's much more likely she's just a bad faker. Right off the bat you know there's going to be trouble, when the film starts with Crystal and director Rob Spallone arguing about how she's ugly and how she's going to anal and how they can't get enough guys to bang her. If anyone was born to play a bit part in "The Sopranos," it's Spallone, whose tough-guy approach is better left off the screen. From there's it's downhill, as we join the action on the set, where a small group of guys and girls are getting into action to prepare for the gangbang. A crew of four fluffers, including big-titted nurse Anita Cannibal, a strap-on wielding Cara Lott, an older redhead and another sluttier, less attractive nurse, get nearly as much screentime as Crystal, which is a gangbang no-no in my book. Ron Jeremy even fucks one of the fluffers (who looks like an older version of Darryl Hannah from Blade Runner.) Normally, when I see that, it means the main action isn't entertaining enough. Here, that's completely true. While the old guys, including Jeremy, 66-year-old Dave Cummings, Herschel Savage and a group of about five more unattractive fellows, do their best to provide a good show, it's all for naught, as Crystal's incessant screaming will shrivel your dick. It certainly seems like she has a script she's sticking to, as no matter who's fucking her, be it Principal-type-who-looks-like-the-dad-from-"Alf" or Tattoo Man, she's repeating "Give me your old cum," (to much laughter on the set) followed by a variety of insults. It's no wonder that Big Belly can't get hard enough to plow her and Hairy Beast (a.k.a. Seinfeld's Dad) can't cum. She's just not helping out. On the other hand, Cara Lott, who's much older and less hot than Crystal, provides the film's best performance in blowing Cummings, showing some true skill and real passion for knobgobbling. After Jeremy, who is creepier here than in most appearances, pops his top on Crystal, the movie basically grinds to a halt, at which point a woman (a man-ish old woman or perhaps an old man) in a granny dress, a gray wig and a knee brace seizes the opportunity to fuck Crystal with a strap-on. It's the most disturbing part of the video, which is saying something. The action picks back up again after this halftime entertainment, but it's just more of the same. If you can maintain your interest, you're a stronger man than me. There was little chance a video like this was going to end up sexy, with a bunch of older men struggling to fuck a straight-outta-Queens potty mouth, so they should have went over the top, and have the guys pull out ridiculous lines left and right. Turn Jeremy and his comedy act loose on Crystal's pussy. Find something interesting to do with the concept. Approaching it as a straight-forward gangbang looks to be, in practice, a bad idea, one that the director essentially admits to when he ends the film with an all-girl group grope, instead of any kind of climax relating to the film's theme. [Crystal Clear, Ron Jeremy, Herschel Savage, Cara Lott, Anita Cannibal, Several Dirty Old Men, A Few Fluffers | Oral (M/F), Vaginal | Missionary, Cowgirl, Reverse Cowgirl, Doggie | Condoms: Yes and No | |
| Audio/Video |
The disc looks and sounds pretty good, though the lighting could hve been better, as there are way too many shadows and too much darkness in spots. The camera work is lacking as well, as there's way too little penetration shown. Instead, it's just bodies grinding together. The audio obvious works, especially when Crystal screams, piercing your eardrums, and white Al Roker orgasms like Regan MacNeil. The sex sounds are collected and reproduced well, and can't really be complained about when it comes to quality.
| Extras |
This is a two-disc set, but the first disc has no extras, unless you count the six scene selections. The second disc has a behind-the-scenes documentary that, at 94 minutes, is actually longer than the film itself, but will likely only be watched by the director, the cast, maybe their friends and any unfortunate reviewers caught unawares. It starts off with the same annoying footage as the film, and adds in a great deal of behind-the-scenes footage to the party. Howard Stern, who helped the film with some publicity, is name-dropped again and again, as if the footage was being shot for him. If it has any value, it's the way it shows how unglamorous the industry is and how annoying Crystal Clear is.
Also here is an animated photo gallery, some phone-sex ads that looks like 6th-generation VHS dubs, some trailers, a Web site bit (which also looks like a bad dub) and an ad for a DVD company.
| Concluding Words |
You might find yourself intrigued by the concept, but it's pretty much a bait and switch deal, as you get what amounts to a bunch of on-set footage of old people fucking young people, without any real heat, and without the laughs that could have made it a cult classic. The DVD, though a two-disc set, doesn't provide much more than a buttload of on-set footage, which is really like repeating the main feature, just with less sex. If you're looking for old people having sex and want to have a fun time watching it, look elsewhere.
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