Whoa, what happened to adult film director Paul Thomas? This guy has won awards for his smut! I used to seek out his films, as far back as 15 years ago, after being impressed by such efforts as True Confessions of Tori Welles. Now, he's delivered a crass, exploitative, and thoroughly unarousing porn "comedy" called True Hollywood Twins. This awful parody of the life and lifestyles of the Olsen Twins is an embarrassing misfire that leaves you dumbfounded. The attempts at satire are weak, the acting is woeful, and the sex is truncated and flat.

These are real-life twins Lacey and Lindsay Love, and you can't help but feel sad for them. Now, don't fool anyone. The real reason you have even the slightest interest in this title is the possibility of seeing two sisters, Becky and Missy Wilson, getting it on. Don't deny it. I'll tell you right up front that this movie offers no such freakshow event. Although, they do get it on in front of each other.

SCENE 1

We start off immediately with a striptease by one of the sisters, Becky (?), and the scene develops quickly into a standard hetero scene with TV Dad Doug Richards (Steven St. Croix). She has a good amount of energy, but she seems awkward. She doesn't seem to know how to bestow a blowjob, and she looks distinctly drugged. He spends a lot of the scene coaching here, and he seems on the verge of going soft. The cunnilingus is nice, as she has an attractive, shaved cooch, but her off-key moaning becomes distracting. Then there's some foot-licking and asshole-licking, if you're into that kind of thing. By the time the fucking begins, you'll be so turned off her caterwauling that you'll have to skip to the next scene. Most of this long scene, she just lays there. D+

SCENE 2

This scene is preceded by some truly horrendous acting on the part of both twins, as we watch them go about their daily lives. This hetero scene finds what appears to be the same sister, Becky (it's hard to tell them apart), seducing her TV brother Dylan (Chris Cannon) in her bedroom and bathroom. We go through the same positions, and it's all pretty static. We do get some reverse cowgirl here, but she looks bored. Then, the scene ratchets up a notch as the other sister comes home and they proceed to give him a blowjob together. C

SCENE 3

We get an unfunny joke setup involving a cop (Jack Lawrence) , and suddenly the cop is doing the twins after pulling them over for a traffic stop. This ugly scene takes place outdoors on a ratty mattress, with a garbage can in the background. The twins blow the cop, and he returns the oral favor on both. Then he proceeds to fuck each girl in turn. C

SCENE 4

Now we get a scene between the twins' rival London Baxter (Austin Kincaid) and her Aryan boyfriend (Brett Rockman), who looks like one of the guys from Aliens. There's more energy to this scene than any of the twins' scenes, including a nice cowgirl assfuck. This scene even throws in the kitchen sink at the end. B

SCENE 5

This scene starts off promisingly, with London Baxter initiating a three-way lesbian encounter with the twins, but everyone just seems so awkward. Then, the TV dad and brother get involved, and it's a big, not-very-hot orgy in which our star twins just, again, lay there. C

IMAGE AND SOUND

The image is mediocre, showing a lot of digital artifacting and fuzz. Not much care was put into this one. Sound was serviceable.

EXTRAS

The DVD contains a disappointing selection of bonus features. All you get are some previews and galleries.