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Not Jersey Boys XXX: A Porn Musical

X-Play Media

Genre: Musical, Feature, Parody

Director/Writer: Will Ryder

Cast: Mila Blaze, Chad Diamond, Zoey Monroe, Ryder Skye, Eric John, Anya Ivy, Kurt Lockwood, Carmen Caliente, Chad White, Bailey Bae, Tommy Pistol
Non-sex roles: Sunny Lane, Lucky Starr, James Bartholet. Will Ryder, Roy Karch

Length: 106:01 minutes

Date of Production: 2014

Extras: The extras were very solid compared to many features and parodies these days, including a 47:42 minute long Behind the Scenes feature, a 18:46 minute long director/producer travelogue, a 36:11 minute non-sex version of the movie, a photogallery, a separate section for the five parody songs, a repeat of the intro song, and 3 trailers.

Condoms: None

Audio/Video Quality: Not Jersey Boys XXX: A Porn Musical was presented in anamorphic widescreen as shot by director Will Ryder for X-Play Media. Will & Fliktor (also on lighting) worked cameras while Next Door Jimmy was editor, there was Art Direction by Scott David (who also produced), and others well known as Wills usual crew. As a result, the production had a good deal in common with the Clint Eastwood mainstream release from earlier this year (which itself was based on the Broadway musical). There were numerous establishing shots taken by Will himself instead of tired old stock footage cheaper companies use ineffectively and it greatly helped that many of the cast looked much like their mainstream actor counterparts, the settings used (courtesy of Scott) and outfits managing to capture the essence of the original on a porn budget. There were few compression artifacts on the big screen and the flesh tones looked accurate, the lighting well done and attempts made to incorporate the musical elements of the original into the production on a scale that quite frankly, NO ONE does half as well as Ryder on his worst day and their best day. The aural components were recorded in Dolby Digital stereo English, the vocals clear in almost all cases but the music standing out courtesy of the combined efforts of Rock Hardson, Rocco Straticacci, Jeff Mullen, Lotta Dees, and Tommy Pistol. There were unnamed mainstream musicians that contributed on the sly as well, doing it as a favor to Will from his good old days in the music industry as well as wanting to lend an air of authenticity to the show, my biggest issue being the slightly out of synch nature the music videos/skits were at times (as explained in the BTS). The great news is that each of the five songs, yes FIVE songs, were fun, sounded much like a Frankie Valli tune, and were catchy as hell. The phrase that comes to mind is “playing to one’s strengths” and this movie did just that.

Body of Review: Will Ryder has been credited many times as the man who reinvented porn parodies years ago, his initial attempts focusing on an area he knew better than anyone else in the industry, music. Will and his talented partner Scott David then generated the whole idea of “Sitcums”, taking popular situation comedies and pornifying them, a great many directors riding their coattails as the genre remained the big thing for years. Now that budgets are drastically cut and so many poor efforts by even the biggest competitors have truly failed to leave a mark, weaker company executives have scrambled to cut corners in nonsensical fashion as they become penny wise and pound foolish so the duo responsible for the uncontested best ratio of hits to mediocrity in porn have released their latest hit via X-Play Media, a title called Not Jersey Boys XXX: A Porn Musical. That Ryder spent much of his life in the music industry is well known, the results of his playing to his strengths here paying off big time, the movie presenting a solid pornified version of the Eastwood flick with more than a couple minutes of tossed in feature elements hardly holding the sex scenes together, the non-sex version clocking in at over a third of the movie. That there were good extras was the icing on the cake but what made this work so well?

The story of Frankie Valli and the Four Seasons is interesting all by itself but the music is what draws fans in so closely. After all, most of us over 40 have memories of the group’s songs, several garnering huge air play through the 60’s and 70’s to obtain icon status. Tommy Pistol, no stranger to features and parodies alike, truly nailed the role in a way that a couple of his well liked peers wished they had in their own roles over the years, the other band members also doing a fine job as did Jeff Mullen in his over the top version of Bob Crewe, or Roy Karch channeling Christopher Walken’s Gyp DeCarlo amazingly well. Of all the uses of Ryder’s talents, movies like this should have always been his primary focus, Scott’s multi-tasking specialties helping with scores of minutia many won’t even catch after a few screenings. The ladies were hot, the sex was fun, and rather than try to be all things to all people, the focus on key moments succeeded to make this a big winner. Here’s a brief look at the scenes by cast and action, noting that no condoms were used for those still interested:

Scene One: Mila Blaze, a sexy little blond with a lean stomach and huge smile, was up first in a striped sweater and green booty shorts as she tackled Chad Diamond, his obnoxious character a fine rendering of the mainstream version. Mila kissed him and then knelt down to actively slob his knob, some hand to gland friction enhancing the hummer only after she inspired his turgid pecker to bounce against the back of her throat. Her eye contact was excellent and she liked to nuzzle his nuts as she stroked him, her bald beaver offered up on the chair when she spread her legs wide for him to gobble her gash. He tore into her pussy in a variety of positions, her ass looking surprisingly sexy when bent over on the chair. She then impaled herself when mounting his cock, milking his balls dry of semen as he literally plastered her mug with seed before she gave some post coital head.

Scene Two: Zoey Monroe, a beautiful blonde hotty with a delicious ass, was up next as a full service lay augmented by orally talented Ryder Skye, the two ladies joining Eric John on the producer’s couch. The director’s cameo was much more entertaining than the mainstream version of his character but frankly, seeing Zoey and Ryder double team Eric cock was more what I was looking for as inspirational material for the sexual aspects of this review. The playfulness and fun factor manner in which they devoured Eric and teased his nuts was one of the best blowjobs in a feature that I’ve seen of late, the gals working in tandem to drain his dragon of sperm as he wore a giant smile. Zoey then sat on his face so he could reciprocate, her shaven slit looking fresh just as her sweet ass gave him sufficient reason to slide his tongue upward as Ryder kept inhaling his rod. Zoey moved down to actively pounce on his cock vaginally with Ryder giving some oral backup, the guy having Ryder spread Zoey’s wonderful cheeks as her fleshy rump shook so well. The blond bombshell then pawed Ryder as the busty redhead kissed her and gave her some head, the ladies almost getting into a 69 before Eric went back to power porking Zoey. Before long, Eric nutted on Zoey’s crotch and Ryder kept helping, her modest role confusing though appreciated if you look at her as an extra instead of the primary fuck bunny, the scene leading into one of the funny parody songs.

Scene Three: Anya Ivy, the sexy light skinned black gal with the afro seen on the far left side of the front cover, was up next as a singer with “big tits”, the inspiration for the groups next song (Big Tits Don’t Lie). The humor of the scene was enhanced by the manner in which the editing was not short changed, the montage including the studio session and a concert, the guys feeling her up before she choose the drumming chimp portrayed by Kurt Lockwood. The voice over was hilarious in describing the event, Lockwood well suited for the small role of the smiling drummer with virtually no speaking part. He wore his striped shirt and jeans compared to her sparkling black dress, the two going back to the hotel couch to pleasure each other. He licked her pussy and kissed her, Anya squeezing her boobs as he flicked his tongue on her cookie, some minor wisps of pubic hair barely noticed until the camera zoomed in close. He fingered her and she gave him a hand assisted hummer in POV fashion, her solid eye contact and tongue action energetically making his boner rock hard before she actively rode him vaginally, her ass looking fantastic when he fingered her. She pushed back to meet his thrusts and gave some intermittent head, Kurt delivering the biggest load of the movie all over her crotch before scooping some of his manly fluids up to feed them to her.

Scene Four: Carmen Caliente, the gonzo gal showing her ass on the front cover, was up next on the house couch with band member Chad White, the gal standing head and shoulders above the other ladies of the cast in terms of making me laugh. With only a few dozen credits to her name at this writing, her “3 Finger Martha” nickname and method acting approach to the role as a slutty “Jersey Puerto Rican” was superb, the gum chewing and body language adding some well needed comic relief. Chad was all over her once they ditched Tommy, her legs spread wide as he munched her crotch in heated fashion, Carmen remaining in character better than any of the others during her sexual scene as her nipples poked out of her striped shirt and her panties were tossed away. Chad sucked and nibbled on her labia well enough, her juices flowing as she expertly whipped out his pecker to go full bore orally while maintaining decent eye contact. She serviced his testicles too, the hummer on par with that from the second scene before some active vaginal riding took place, her meaty beef curtains clenching his cock tightly as they boned hard. She shook as she fucked too, Chad making her tits bounce as she slid increasingly rapidly on his pole. The shot of her yummy ass was exceptional too, the use of the second camera helping show it from multiple camera angles, before the passionate tryst led to him launching his wad all over her stomach.

Scene Five: Bailey Bae, another wonderful newcomer making waves, was up last with Tommy Pistol, the closing musical number showing the later part of the group’s career with more ass flash than is commonly seen, Sunny Lane’s perfect rump a nice addition even if she was not part of the sexual cast (a shame…). The manner in which Bailey was worked into the movie via a nod to hairy pussy, in yet another pornified song, was a great swan song for the feature elements, her red top dropped and her white shorts disappearing quickly to highlight yet another first class ass of epic proportion. Tommy went down on her and slammed multiple fingers in her snatch as he rimmed her like she was candy, Bailey panting for breath as her respiration rate went crazy, the gal briefly reciprocating by throating Tommy and giving him a little POV head as was par for the course in the movie. Tommy tore into Bailey’s biscuit in several positions, the gal pushing back to meet his thrusts nicely in doggy, her all natural titties jerking back and forth before the cowgirl variations and spooning led to her taking the pop shot to the face.

Summary: Not Jersey Boys XXX: A Porn Musical by director Will Ryder for X-Play Media was not a mirror copy of the stage play or movie so much as an attempt at filling in some of the details those versions were missing. As such, there was no need to basically steal elements as other parodies do rather than add to them, the music on par with last year’s sensational Grease XXX, Not The Wizard of OZ XXX, or Not South Park XXX, at times surpassing those award winning extravaganzas with this all new batch of superb parody songs. Some will call Will and Scott “Amazing & Brilliant” while others will be happy that quality product is still made in an age when piracy has destroyed profitability, the technical aspects, music, and extras combining with superior casting of guys like Tommy Pistol to earn a rating of Highly Recommended or better. Sexually, you just can’t go wrong with babes like Zoey Monroe or Carmen Caliente, newcomers like Bailey Bae and Anya Ivy coming in very strong too though it is fair to note that Carmen stood out in her feature role so well that some have called for her to parody several flicks starring Rosie Perez, Will almost certain to draw attention for his non-sex role along with Roy Karch. In short then, Not Jersey Boys XXX: A Porn Musical came out of nowhere to rekindle the porn musical this year, a variety of follow-ups in discussion if sales warrant it. The sex and feature elements did not look micromanaged by an accountant who knows the cost of everything but the value of nothing, the sheer amount of entertaining fuck for the buck easily surpassing any of the half ass parodies shoved down our throats this year so give it a look and let me know what you think.