GENRE: Gonzo Amateur
DIRECTOR: Dirty Sanchez
STARS: Butter, Thalia, Taylor, Susan, Amber, Anthony, Tony, Sean, Joey
DATES OF PRODUCTION: 2005
LENGTH: 160 mins with bonus material

Apparently, the Dirge grew up in the wrong era. When he was a strapping sexual youth – around the time punk battled disco for a shot at pop culture relevancy – girls were frigid and damn proud of it. A decade previous, free love had scared the baby boomer bejesus out of the establishment, and a new wave of proto-Puritanism was sweeping the middle school set. While college kids and adults were still doing the coke-enhanced nasty at relatively regular intervals, those of us still developing our pubescent priorities were stuck fumbling around at dimly lit make-out parties. Girls weren't putting out – they were developing those discernable cock tease talents that would come in so handy during future trips down life's revolving door altar. Little did we all know that, three decades later, a video camera and a website would get us more snatch than we could shake a styptic stick at.

That's right. If you are to believe the BANG Brothers – whoever they are – the streets are filled with all manner of mommies just waiting to give up the goodies. Of course, a roll of greenbacks doesn't hurt the humping. Neither does a nauseating notion of moral atrophy. In Volume 5 of what is supposedly an on-going series for this upstart adult entertainment company, the sleazy siblings have created something called The Boob Squad. This crew finds available bush cruising the Miami sidewalks, promise them a "modeling" job, and then spends inordinate amounts of time convincing these chicks to choke on dick for dollars. And you know what – it works. Not as hardcore, mind you. This is one of the WORST, most asexual titles the Dirge has ever had the displeasure of trudging through. But as proof of the loose labial lips of the modern Miss, you won't find a more depressing presentation.

The DVD:
Apparently, in the world of the BANG Brothers, XXX 'actresses' are just a meet and greet away. The paltry premise for this title is pretty basic. A 'squad' of camera people and flesh pressers wander the streets of the Sunshine State (as if we needed ANOTHER reason to hate Florida) and approach ladies with large lungs – or, at least large for a non-fetish presentation. After almost 30 minutes of chiding, begging, degradation and palm greasing, our gals get naked and let some mangled meat puppet reprobate drop dick dime on them. All of this is then caught on camera by director Dirty Sanchez (HOW original), who adds his hopelessly inane filmmaking skills and non-internal monologues across each and every tired sex scene.

The Boob Squad: Volume 5 is obviously just a collection of clips taken from the company's crude website, tossed together randomly, and offered without much style or panache. Individually, the scenes are excruciating exercises in talentless tool time. If you like your lovin' on the decidedly dilettante side, you may enjoy some of the sequences. But be warned: there is more to be sickened by than stimulated from on this DVD. Let's begin with:

Scene 1: Butter, Anthony
Acts Performed: Tit Sucking, Foreplay, Blow Job, Reverse Cowgirl, Cowgirl, Doggy, Pile Driver, Mish, $hot on Chest

As the sole "actress" who looks like she understands the parameters of porn, Butter tries to make the most of Anthony and Sanchez's rampant retardation. Once he gets his cock out, Tony's baloney skills ALMOST makes up for his lack of onscreen presence. Ms. Margarine, on the other hand, is a selection of orifices without a lot of passionate pronouncements. On a basic, hardcore scale, what this couple does is fairly carnal, and more or less gratuitous, but you may not be able to enjoy a single second of the sex. That's because our director is a Tourette's talking fool. "Dude" never shuts up, running his mouth the entire time the pair are porking. He makes insipid jokes. He gives heinously hackneyed XXX play by play. He laughs with the kind of chilling chortle that recalls the sensation of biting down on a razor blade (it's all breathy and baneful). But perhaps the most disturbing of all, he constantly shifts the attention of the scene back on himself. Uncle Sanchez, as he likes to call himself, ruins outright this first fuck scene on this DVD. And believe it or not, it's only going to get worse. Score: 1 out of 10

Scene 2: Thalia, Anthony
Acts Performed: Tit Sucking, Blow Job, Doggy, Pile Driver, Cowgirl, Mish, $hot on Boobs

Sanchez and Anthony are up again, this time wandering the beaches of South Florida looking for clueless babes...and boy or boy did they luck into a live one. Thalia is a horribly unattractive woman of color who's skin resembles the finely tanned delights one could locate in Ed Gein's house. Her attitude is one step away from comatose, and she seems both frightened and flippant about the whole sex on screen idea. As mentioned before, one of the MAJOR flaws in this title is the endless talking. Sanchez and Tony spend 35 minutes – that's right THIRTY FIVE MOTHER FUCKING GOD DAMN MINUTES – sweating this sweetie into knocking boots, and every single come-on is irritating and inane. By the time she's entered bonkville, we're hoping the movie fulfills its anti-porn promise and turns into the snuff film it so desperately wants to be. Nothing about this sequence is arousing – the oral, the penetration, or the pathetic pop (Anthony has definite "volume" issues). As a matter of fact, it's downright creepy most of the time. Score: 0 out of 10

Scene 3: Taylor, Tony
Acts Performed: Blow Job, Tit Fucking, Cowgirl, Reverse Cowgirl, Doggy, Mish, Implied V to M, $hot on Tits (Taffy Pop)

Taylor is another lewd lady along the lines of Scene 1. While she puts on a good non-actress act, you can tell she's been around the block a few hundred hump times. Too bad Tony (not the Anthony from Scenes 1 and 2) is so weak in the wiener department. Our mutton marionette fails to live up to at least half of that nomenclature, and when forced to deliver a finishing basting of ball broth, can barely work his wang into the upright position (everyone kids him that he's gay – maybe they have a point). While a new "voice" discusses the dicking dynamics from behind the lens (it's a female), Sanchez's shitty work is all over the screen. Penetration is lost in a shuffle of skin. Angles are maintained for no apparent arousal reason. Action is missed as other elements are focused on. Add in the complete lack of chemistry between the couple, and the only thing saving this scene is that Taylor seems to be experiencing free will, not forced entry, here. Score: 1 out of 10

Scene 4: Susan, Sean
Acts Performed: Blow Job, Tit Fucking, Cowgirl, Doggy, Mish, $hot on Nose and Face

Oh God. This scene is absolutely frightening. On a certain level, we critics have to believe that all porn – even product claiming 100% complete amateur status – is free of such old school gimmicks as coercion, cruelty and duress. But after watching a highly unhappy Susan get plowed by Sean's peter, you'll swear you're watching several crimes being committed at once. This British babe is so VISIBLY uncomfortable, so ready to just lie there, bleary eyed, and get it over with, that you're smut sentiments instantly drift off and die out, never to return again. In their place is a kind of jaded compassion that wants to see the exploitation stop. Sean does the best imitation of a non-caring drunken frat boy date raping a co-ed that you are likely to see in a hardcore title. For a good ten minutes, he just lies on top of Susan, pumping away aimlessly. This is one of the few times where the endless coaxing seems real, not ridiculous. Hands down, this is the WORST, MOST PAINFUL scene the Dirge has had to sit through – and he's watched women eat applesauce out of hairy man ass crack. Score: 0 out of 10

Scene 5: Amber, Joey
Acts Performed: Blow Job, Ball Action, Tit Fucking, Cowgirl, Reverse Cowgirl, Doggy, Implied V to M, $hot on Chest

Here's the skinny on Amber...actually, it would be the only thing svelte about our rather zaftig final femme. Red headed with nice porcine tits, this randy round rolly polly seems more than up to the challenge of Joey's johnson. From then on, the sex is rather sane. Our "female" filmmaker is back (though we know it's really Sanchez screwing up the lensing) and the camerawork is as crappy as ever. Joey also adds to the oddness by staying more or less clothed the entire time. When we do get a peak of the underlying package, we soon understand why he's decidedly robed. As hairy as Robin Williams after a Propecia bath and matching our maven-haired honey pound for kilo, Sean makes Ron Jeremy look like an emaciated Talon in the inflated torso department. All that can be said is "YUCK!" Score: 2 out of 10

If this is the future of porn, pray for Armageddon NOW! Stop motion dinosaur movies made by 8th graders for science class have more cinematic sense that this muddled, mangled mess. The cast of Crackwhores in Training: The Musical has better looking babes and AV Clubs provide far better man meat than this adult atrocity. If you haven't already guessed by now, the Dirge is hinting that the BANG Brothers' product acts like an irritating bratling in a XXX pond filled with big boys. As gonzo, it can't hold a candle to the classics (Heck, the Toss My Salad series looks like Berlin Alexanderplatz compared to this junk) and as amateur, it gives those dealing in non-professionals a highly inflammatory bad name. Dirty Sanchez (who needs to change his name to something decidedly non-scatological and more up to date) is a terrible director, his camera never fully focusing on one thing for very long. Framing is flawed and meaningless to the monkey lovin' and just when you think things will settle in for some halfway decent sex, someone opens their yap and starts talking.

But beside the bad filmic basics, The Boob Squad is the very definition of hardcore as harmful exploitation. In straight features and legitimate gonzo, the performers are tested, consenting adults who understand the parameters of the sex for sale game. They 'get' the humiliation and degradation, and trade personal shame for fame, fortune, money and a chance at something presumably better in life. Here, the BANG Brothers appear to be making hopeless hardcore for their own sad amusement. The pick 'em up and pork 'em conceit is disturbing, and suggests motives more sinister than safely sexual. This is a misogynistic misrepresentation about what the industry is really about, and with its website tie-in and lack of significant product value, these might as well be throwbacks to the white slavery days of the smoker and stag reel. As hot as an Antarctic asshole, and as erotic as a date with a seeping pus-wart, this is a terrible title. It gives XXX productions a bad name, something seemingly impossible to do...until now.

The Video:
The best way to address the technical components here is to drag out the old maxim, "If you can't say something nice...". However, if that were indeed the case, the review would be two words long ("SKIP IT!"). Anyway, the 1.33:1 full frame image is camcorder crappy, filled with each and every video defect you can imagine - bleeding, whiting out, drop out, just to name a few. Skin tones are flat – unless, of course, you like your man ass nice and gravy gray, and poor light metering mires the outdoor material in sullen shadows. This means we occasionally see silhouettes talking against the Florida sky. The rest of the detail is virtually washed away.

The Audio:
In what has to be a cost cutting measure, the BANG Brothers use the same four-note electronic blip barf THROUGHOUT THE ENTIRE DVD PRESENTATION. It plays over the menu. It plays over the credits. It plays during the sex scenes. It plays in your head like an excruciating earworm making its way down deep into your soul. And of course, it's rendered in Dolby Digital Stereo so that we don't miss a single, elementary school band Casio keyboard beat. ARGH!

The Extras:
We get four trailers, and a slide show for each "actress". In the realm of added content, this isn't even up to the basic standard in the industry. While the title itself is nearly three hours (over two and a half, to be exact), such paltry extras don't validate the Bang Brothers' consumer confidence.

Final Thoughts:
Gee, I wonder what kind of recommendation the Dirge is going to give. Maybe he was just teasing, calling this horrifying bit of bullshit such nasty, nauseating names. Perhaps it's all a big joke, with the Final Thoughts clarifying the potential carnality once and for all. Well, here is yours truly to burst that balling bubble for you. The Boob Squad Volume 5 is an asexual mess, one of the most ghastly experiences this critic has ever had the displeasure of cursing under his breath. On the Disco Dirge Peter Meter, a .5 out of 10 is awarded, but not for any of the substance. Since this is actually a movie that plays and has sound, it deserves a single half point on technical merit alone. Otherwise avoid this DVD like the plague – and that goes for couples too (no Cohabitation Certification given here, surprise surprise!). Adult entertainment is supposed to give you a warm and fuzzy feeling down deep inside. It shouldn't challenge your moral turpitude. If you're not confessing to some manner of thought crime after watching this tainted title, you truly are beyond hope. The Boob Squad: Volume 5 is garbage.