GENRE: Oral Clip Compilation
DIRECTORS: Unknown
STARS: Brianna Blaze, Kylie Rochelle, Crystal Ray, Wendy James, Katja Kassin, Lexi Matthews, Fiona Bones, Mandy Starr, Tanya James, Teagen, Iyesha, Brooke, Daisy McClane, Fallon, Kelly Kline, Boo, Kimberley Kane, Becca Bratt, Anna Bell, Joey Ray, Mark Ashley, Alex Sanders, Rob Guy, Clarke Kent, Tony Pounds, Dale DeBone, Tristan Seagal, Chris Cannon, Dino Bravo, Steve Hatcher, Richard Raymond, Scott Styles, Kurt Lockwood
DATES OF PRODUCTION: Various
LENGTH: 135 mins with bonus material
For some, it is the most intimate act a man can share with his lady (or laddie) love. For others, it's a mandatory maneuver between the first kiss and the initial thrust. Teen queens (and some career gals) use it as a 'way' to get out of going all the, and sluts proffer it like it's the proverbial laurel and hearty handshake. Indeed, head is an almost universally enjoyed union between mouth and meat, a glorious amalgamation of lips and log that seems to satisfy as much as it mystifies. Not everyone is into the tool to taste bud routine, while others swear by its tonsil to testicle dynamic. Still, all stereotypes and stigmas aside, as the song says, nothing could be sweeter than your baby on your peter in the morning. So it only seems natural that adult content providers would take the hunger for hog honing and turn it into a veritable goldmine of crotch to craw consumerism. Simon Wolf has signed up for some of that greenback bonanza with the title, enticingly referred to as The Art of Oral Sex. Promising to showcase said saliva-based act as "performed by 20 young girls", the lupine lunatics over at Simon's shop also want to argue – in more of the patented peculiar ad copy – that our talent is just past puberty and are eager to show men how they love to munch on member. Well, as The Who have been know to say, we won't get fooled again, and this DVD really pushes the limits of truth in advertising. Far from a festival of barely legal lasses, this is nothing more than a re-edited anthology of pudknocking from other Simon Wolf digital releases.
The DVD:
You have really got to be into blowjobs to enjoy The Art of Oral Sex. Like a sitcom clip show, this Simon Wolf Hybrid peruses all the sex scenes in their catalog, cuts out any other element besides the pole polishing and the pop, and delivers up the sexual slice and dice as a kind of Cocksucking's Greatest Hits. Alas, if only the middle word in that concept were correct. This is far from a bounty of beautiful BJs. Indeed, the best you can say about this scrapbook conceit is that it really does offer up 20 scenes of guys getting their groins gleaned, pie hole style. The only art present is that product prowess known as the bait and switch. You may think your getting an original set of sequences, a double dectet of decent dick licking, when the reality is far more flawed. Since all the pop shots here are post-coital, we usually move from the routine rod rimming to a completely different set up, couple slicked with sweat or lying in a position antithetical to the concept of flow or logic. What this means is that The Art of Oral Sex is not really a collection of mouth moments, but a single set of sucking and another compendium of cum. Individuals into this micro-managed style of sex will adore this title. Others should beware. Like a smutty Certs, it's two, two, two distinct digests of dull debauchery in one.
Most will be less than impressed with the cut and paste methodology to this porn. Since oral-only is such a secondary education idea, the Dirge has decided to grade the 20 scenes in The Art of Oral Sex, using the standard "A" to "F" scoring range, making sure that each and every entry in the pecker to puss pageant gets a proper evaluation of its shaft slurping. Here is the bell curve of crap one will suffer through after wading through the dong dental damming:
Letter Grade: A
Scenes Awarded Such a Score: 0
Letter Grade: B+
Scene Awarded Such a Score: 1
Scene 1: Brianna Blaze, Joey Ray
Reason for Rating: Brianna seems really into Joey's johnson here, giving it the attention a good head shot deserves. Otherwise, we jump cut to a totally unrelated money moment that seems to 'cum' out of nowhere.
Letter Grade: B
Scenes Awarded Such a Score: 0
Letter Grade: B-
Scenes Awarded Such a Score: 0
Letter Grade: C+
Scenes Awarded Such a Score: 4
Scene 10: Teagan, Dale DeBone
Reason for Rating: Many guys find Teagan as fetching as an ice cold beer, and the camera sure spends a lot of time on her tiny face as she fleshes out Dale's DeBone. Aside from our petite penis provocateur, there is not much else to recommend this tepid tootsie rolling.
Scene 11: Eva Angelina, Joey Ray
Reason for Rating: In this case, it's the inclusion of 69 that sends this otherwise dismal scene into the passing grade phase of evaluation. Joey's beefy body tends to distract from the skin flute playing, and Ms. Angelina is not very interested in proving her instrumental skills.
Scene 19: Becca Bratt, Scott Styles
Reason for Rating: Again, it's those number based facets, along with some fingering, that hoist this mouth organ orgy into the almost average category. It doesn't help matters much that Scott looks like Buck Owens. The thought of Mr. Hee Haw getting a hummer is about the most unappetizing prospect in the world of porn.
Scene 20: Anna Bell, Kurt Lockwood
Reason for Rating: Instead of 3 x 23, we witness some rather ribald tit fucking, enough of a variation to move this otherwise monotonous sequence into the plus column. The final facial is also nice and sloppy, which definitely demands some extra credit.
Letter Grade: C
Scenes Awarded Such a Score: 2
Scene 5: Katja Kassin, Lee Stone
Reason for Rating: Lee's got an oddly angled cock that seems to break in the middle and curve directly downward, and it's crooked constraints give the scene a look that's painful, not pleasant. Even with Katja's deep throating, Lee's session of standing 69, and some fine face fucking, that weird wiener lessens the overall score.
Scene 18: Kimberley Kane, Chris Cannon
Reason for Rating: This is the very definition of preparatory head. Kimberley is obviously three positions into the next setup as she smokes Chris's carp, and it's not long before she, and the audience, lose interest. Even a slight amount of tit fucking can't save this sedate session.
Letter Grade: C-
Scenes Awarded Such a Score: 3
Scene 2: Kylie Rochelle, Mark Ashley
Reason for Rating: With all of its adult-oriented antics – deep throating, tit fucking, face fucking, ball action – you'd think this scene would deserve a better rating. Problem is, Kylie just lumbers along like a lox, as lifeless as a XXX performer can act and still be considered conscious.
Scene 3: Crystal Ray, Mark Davis
Reason for Rating: Another scene, another lackadaisical log licking. Crystal is so passive as to be practically passed out as Mark guides his girth inside her slack jawed junction. With a weak fluid to face finale and the overall tone of tameness, there is nothing really erotic to recommend this scene.
Scene 13: Brooke, Chris Cannon
Reason for Rating: Brooke's attention to Chris's cannon is commendable, but somehow, this sequence still feels limp. There is no real passion between the performers, and once the sucking starts we get the same old crank and cravat conceit.
Letter Grade: D+
Scenes Awarded Such a Score: 1
Scene 4: Wendy James, Alex Sanders
Reason for Rating: Wendy and Alex just don't match up well. There is no chemistry between them, and the head is routine and rather dull. Even the added extra of a little ball to breast action and face fucking can't improve the snooze inducing effect of this poor pork primping.
Letter Grade: D
Scenes Awarded Such a Score: 4
Scene 8: Mandy Starr, Mark Ashley
Reason for Rating: On the positive side, this scene has face fucking, ball action and a nice, nasty money shot all over Mandy's mouth and chest. On the down side, MANDY HATES EVERY FUCKING MINUTE OF IT. The look of disgust on her face is enough to put you off personal pandering for a week.
Scene 14: Daisy McClane, Dino Bravo
Reason for Rating: Resembling a far younger Joe Bob Briggs, Dino's diddling with Daisy would have been better had it been longer. There is ball action here, and some minor tit fucking. But before we know it, the pop is deposited in the air, with only ancillary drops hitting Ms. McClane.
Scene 16: Kelly Kline, Richard Raymond
Reason for Rating: This scene rates on the low end of the tool totem pole because of the unappetizing close-up shots of Ms. Kline's gaping genitals. When she's not spreading her pussy while Richard tosses her salad, she's flexing her stink hole like it wants to say something. Even with some 69, this is a nauseating sequence.
Scene 17: Boo, Dale DeBone
Reason for Rating: Boo gives head like that girl in high school who swore she knew what she was doing, but ended up leaving you in blue ball country. Her skill level is elementary and her attention to dick detail rather sluggish. Sure, she works a little nut sacking in to try and save the scene, but Mr. DeBone's daboner has seen better brothing throughout the course of his career.
Letter Grade: D-
Scenes Awarded Such a Score: 2
Scene 9: Tayna Jaymes, Tony Pounds
Reason for Rating: Appearing like he just scurried out of the woodpile after being chased by the farmer's wife with a carving knife, Tony "Rat Boy' Pounds looks emaciated and underfed as he gets his joint juiced by a blasé Tanya. Even with some anal fingering and ball action, this is just an awful dick-draining scene.
Scene 12: Iyesha, Tristan Seagal
Reason for Rating: Iyesha, or "Rat Girl" (perhaps she is related to Tony "Rat Boy" Pounds?) works poor taffy tooled Tristan to the point where he finally pops – and all we get for the effort is a bum dribbler. About as sexy as a sitz bath with far too much effort expended for the final flaccid flow.
Letter Grade: F
Scenes Awarded Such a Score: 3
Scene 6: Lexi Matthews, Rob Guy
Reason for Rating: This is the absolute worst scene on the DVD for one simple reason – half the time we don't know what's going on. Lexi is sucking on someone, but who the dude is, we never know. It takes a review of the credits to give Rob Guy his due. Besides, all Ms. Matthews does is stare at the camera like a wounded rabbit waiting for the hunter to relieve her misery. Not very appealing at all.
Scene 7:Fiona Bones, Clarke Kent
Reason for Rating: This 'blink and you'll miss it' exchange between Bones and Kent is like a whiff of wantonness (a whiff being defined as an odorless fart that is all hot air, but no lasting olfactory impact). The head here is horrible and about as passionate as a pus wart.
Scene 15: Fallon, Steve Hatcher
Reason for Rating: This is another example of easy erotica evaluation. Steve Hatcher looks like a less-healthy Shane McGowan, and nothing is more antithetical to the concept of porn than the disheveled ex-Pogue and his bad British smile sickliness. Hatcher's junkie-in-training huffs and puffs like he's struggling for air, and when he leaves his stain along Fallon's fetlocks, he guarantees that no man will ever venture "downtown" in the near future.
Overall grade: D+ (Barely Passable)
The two big problems with The Art of Oral Sex are issues that this title just cannot overcome. First, of course, is the level of performance by the porn stars involved. While not necessarily the brightest luminaries in the lexicon of the lewd, you'd think these ladies would surpass their gonzo equivalents in the cock-sucking schema. Well, you'd be wrong. Aside from a couple of rare instances, these gals want to put tongue to trout, slurp for a couple of seconds, and then get on to the balling. Such a situation is patently obvious because of the other flaw in this feature. The clip concept just doesn't work. We feel a constant sense of disconnect every time we jump cut to the jizz, These orgasms do not arrive directly from the oral action, but from some other facet of the fucking. As a result, we experience tonal shifts, continuity crapola and a wealth of wasted moments as the men here seem depleted of the necessary nut nectar to get the juices flowing. Had The Art of Oral Sex been just five to seven minute blowjob sessions caught on camera from beginning to ball broth, this title would have been infinitely better – bad hardcore histrionics and all. But as we watch each gal work the wang, we catch ourselves wondering what happens next – not the greatest endorsement of a supposedly erotica based title.
The Video:
As with the approach to the porn, the 1.33:1 full screen transfer is scattered and varied. Some scenes are crystal clear. Others are filled with camcorder concerns. Of the 20 offerings of orifice Olympics present, about 50% appear professional and direct to digital tolerable. The remaining half are hampered by poor lighting, less than stellar image quality, and the differing directorial styles of the lens men behind the viewfinder (though one gets the sneaking suspicion that Robert Herrera is behind all the bone machining). Continuing with the grade design, the video for The Art of Oral Sex rates a basic B-.
The Audio:
Take everything said about the visual style of this snippet selection, substitute the appropriate auditory terms, and you have a matching decibel declaration for The Art of Oral Sex. Some scenes are too loud, others too soft. Unfortunately, there is no ambient Goldilocks to lead us to the sequences that are just right. Similar to the sight situations here, the sonic circumstances on this DVD warrant a high "C" grade, something around a C+.
The Extras:
Hoping to save a small amount of face, we are treated to the standard DVD smut stuff – also known as trailers, pop shot buttons and a photo gallery – as part of The Art of Oral Sex's added content concerns. We also luck into a bonus scene that is far better than the vast majority of the marginal action here.
Bonus Scene: Julia, Frazer Luvitt
From: Wet Teens (2003)
Director: Robert Herrera
Julia is talking to the camera in typical 'Behind the Scenes' style. She claims she is making this porno to get back at her boyfriend (always a viable reason to sell your pussy on screen for instant notoriety). Anyway, she takes a nice long whiz, which we witness in far too much detail, and then joins Frazer in the sack. Unbeknownst to our Romeo, the area he heads for first is fresh from expelling urine. He doesn't seem to mind as he eats the post-piss pussy with ridiculous relish (you'd swear he was snatch starved). A few fingers inserted in the right place keep the juices flowing and Julia samples some of the savory sauce herself. After a bold BJ with lots of ball action, we get to the dicking. Our couple first copulates in the cowgirl motif, then moves over to the bow-wow basics for a little pooch pounding. Frazer heightens the hit by pile driving the poon within an inch of its life. The final bit of reverse range riding puts our pud performer over the edge, and he squirts his melted man mung directly into Julia's mouth. After spending two hours watching wenches work on wounded worms, it's nice to see some follow through. Julia is not very attractive (her flat-chested facets just don't scream 'sexy') but there is a decent amount of chemistry between the duo and that helps push the passion. The Q&A conceit is clever, giving this sequence an authenticity that sells the down low dimension of the diddling. Score: 7 out of 10.
Final Thoughts:
The Art of Oral Sex is definitely not a masterpiece. Indeed, it's barely a fresh finger-painting from a special Ed class. Individuals who enjoy any excursion into knob jobbing will salivate over every gerkin slurpin' moment on this DVD. And since the Dirge cannot determine just how many people prefer a ride on the chin slide, he will reluctantly award a RENTAL recommendation. The piss-poor letter grade awarded means that the Peter Meter strikes up a rather sour 4 out of 10. For ladies who like milkin' the mushroom, there is more than enough personal protein shake to go around. So a Cohabitation Certification is cautiously awarded. Honestly, there are better tongue butter titles out there, legitimate looks at girls giving guys the high hard one, soft-pallet style. Why settle for a segmented scene compilation when you can get some real recreational pork panting? The Art of Oral Sex is a dull, derivative double dip into the Simon Wolf catalog. Lease it if you must; just don't expect anything remotely bawdy or titillating. While empty sex may be better than no sex, bad head is forever.
