GENRE: Straight Feature
DIRECTOR: Bud Lee
STARS: August, Tiffany Taylor, Kelly Kline, Sammie Rhodes, Brandy Nicole, Isabella Soprano, Chris Cannon, Joey Ray, Randy Spears, Mike Horner, Moe Syzlak, Travis Ryan
DATES OF PRODUCTION: 2004
LENGTH: 114 mins without bonus material

At one time, porn stars were called ACTORS, and not just for their ability to fake fornicate on screen (the fake part being the emotional, not the physical, connection). No, old fashioned filmmakers used to believe that their meat puppets and slit kittens had to at least be able to recite dialogue onscreen, if only for the sake of the cinematic. In those halcyon, pre-gonzo days, fans of the fuck film just felt a lot better about their XXX experience when it had some manner of nonsensical narrative at its core. And this meant finding performers who could sell a little story along with the sex.

Well, thanks to the popularity of the script-less shuck and jive known as homemade hardcore, the ability to be believable on camera has been replaced by an orifice-based willingness to do anything for a dollar. Chemistry and a perceptible ability to hold the lens have been replaced by the tendency to show up to the shoot on time, and an anus that gapes two or three inches. As a result, most gonzo titles are terrific, stacking up the smut in ever increasing doses of daring. But the straight feature, the actual MOVIE with plot and narrative are feeling the pathetic thespian pinch.

That Bitch Ate Our Witch, a supernatural comedy from Simon Wolf Productions, is a perfect example of such actor-less antics. Among its cast are the always reliable Chris Cannon and Randy Spears, guys able to convey a page of writing without noticeably wincing. But surrounding these studs are a bevy of babes who apparently studied English via correspondence school. While they're fine to look at, and able to fuck like rabbits when the rent is due, these hampered honeys are about as believable as Michael Jackson's spin doctors. And this makes Bitch/Witch a strangely schizoid experience in erotica.

The DVD:
Chris Cannon and Joey Ray are roommates with girl problems. Chris is engaged to the spoiled brat Kelly, who pressures him on both the professional and the personal front. Joey is making monkey noises with Sammie, but she too wants less carnality and more commitment. In order to get these wenches off their backs, they decide to take in another roommate (porn star logic at work here folks). Unfortunately, the newspaper placing the ad intentionally changes the term "male" into "female" and the next thing they know, August is standing at Chris and Joey's door. She demands to be their new roomie, or she'll sue the snot out of the pair (porn star legalities at work here as well).

What our befuddled boys don't know is that August is a witch, looking for a place to crash so she can get some man meat into her...life. Along with bed buddy Tiffany, who's a sorceress herself, they devise a plan to take over the domicile, and the dudes. August will turn herself into an apple, get Sammie to "eat" her, and once possessed of the alternate body, she will start to win Chris over. Unfortunately, dumb as a discarded douche bottle maid Isabella Soprano (in a non-sex role) eats the fudged up fruit. Now, August is inside the wrong woman, and she needs help straightening out the cosmic screw-up. Luckily her warlock uncle, Randy Spears, has had some success de-possessing people. The girls call on him to fix everything. Of course, throughout it all, hardcore hi-jinx ensues.

As more or less a showcase for August (she gets the majority of the lines, and two of the five sex scenes) That Bitch Ate Our Witch is never quite as funny as it thinks it is. Hampered by a trio of talentless twats (Kelly, Sammie and Tiffany) who may know how to ride the baloney pony, but couldn't act their way out of wet tissue paper, the comedy coming from the cunt side is just atrocious. Only slightly better is the Cannon/Ray pairing. Since many have probably only seen Joey riding the rawness out of his co-stars in numerous gonzo galas, it's interesting to hear him speak in such a soft, sincere manner. About the only performer up to the level of farce director Bud Lee is aiming for is old Mr. Reliable himself, Randy Spears. He plays a kind of Uncle Arthur/ Horny Devil dynamic perfectly, and his sex scene with Brandy Nicole is the best in the set.

Viewed individually, we can see the type of sizzle coming off the power pairings present here, as well as which scenes stink like rotten old apple cores:

Scene 1: Kelly Kline, Chris Cannon
Acts Performed: Foreplay, Blow Job, Ball Action, Cunnilingus with Fingering, Mish, V to M, Jitter Bugging, Spoon, Reverse Cowgirl, Cowgirl, $hot on Face

Kelly is a bawdy brunette who's just a little loud when it comes to copulation. She drowns this scene in so much sex screaming that you wonder if she's in pain, rather than being racked with pleasure. As a couple, she and Chris have some palpable chemistry, but the scene itself is limited by the lack of physical variables. When Cannon and Kline find a position they like – mish, spoon – they stick with it for a very long time. This allows director Lee to keep the image focused and expertly framed. But it also grows dull after a while. While the few moments of jitterbugging are a welcome diversion (for those outside the industry, this is when Chris Cannon takes his cocks and "jitters" it, by hand, all over Ms. Kline's pussy), this is a rather staid sex sequence. Score: 5 out of 10.

Scene 2: Sammie Rhodes, Joey Ray
Acts Performed: Foreplay, Cunnilingus with Fingering, Blow Job, Ball Action, Cowgirl, Spoon, Reverse Cowgirl, Vaginal Gaping, Mish, $hot on Face, Oral Cleanup, Cum Kissing

In a battle between our onscreen paramours, Sammie and Joey win the ribaldry race hands – and other body parts – down. Ray is a ramrodder when it comes to copulation, and Ms. Rhodes is ready to take all he has to give. There is significant heat between this couple, and with the inclusion of a few more physical formations, the entire scene just plays better than our opening sex salvo. Sammie, unfortunately, is not graced with an engaging onscreen presence sans shark. She's the dimmest bulb in this set of decidedly burned out babes. Score: 6.5 out of 10.

Scene 3: August, Tiffany Taylor
Acts Performed: Foreplay, Cunnilingus, Red Vibrator Action, V to M, Pink Vibrator Action, V to M, 69

SNORE! When will adult filmmakers learn that softcore same sex shenanigans, even with the inclusion of a little plastic penetration, is just plain DULL. August and Tiffany may be trying like titans to convince us of their onscreen Sapphic slurping, but the sequence induces more 'Zs' than sleaze. Even the last minute inclusion of 69, always a fave in the Dirge repertoire of the risqué, can't save this insipid installment. Like the love story in an action film, this is bathroom break/ snack preparation time for Bitch/Witch wantonness. Score: 2 out of 10.

Scene 4: Brandy Nicole, Randy Spears
Acts Performed: Foot Action, Cunnilingus, Salad Tossing, Tongue Fucking, Blow Job, Mish, Spoon, Cowgirl, Doggy, Ass Thumbing, Straight Anal, Anal Scissors, $hot in Mouth, Oral Cleanup

Now you're talking! When it comes to scorching smut and tantalizing tooling, Brandy and Randy really rock the carnal Kasbah during this dicking. She seems Hell bent on bonking the daylights out of our mighty male adult divo (the guy equivalent of a diva) and gives Randy's spear all it can handle. The variety and volume of sex is just exceptional, and both of these actors really sell the situation. We can see how well they meld and mix together, turning the TV red hot with such horny histrionics. Single handedly rescuing this title from the rental bin, everyone should check out this balls to the walls to the bush barnburner. You and your loins won't be disappointed. Score: 9 out of 10.

Scene 5: August, Chris Cannon
Acts Performed: Foreplay, Blow Job, Ball Action, Cunnilingus, Mish, Reverse Cowgirl, Spoon, Doggy, $hot on Face, Oral Cleanup

Unlike both of their previous scenes, August and Chris finally seem comfortable with their hardcore partner here, and the resulting scene steam is evident. While Cannon does come across as little more lax than in the opening, August takes up the sex slack and delivers an enchanting stick dipping. Since this is supposed to be the big plot payoff, the moment that August has longed for the entire film, you'd think there'd be a little more lovin' in the log lunging. Instead, this is XXX antics at their most mannered and manufactured. Our couple goes through the mixed mish motions, and without any anal or invention, the culmination is kind of slight. While it's true that anything would pale in comparison to Scene 4, this is only slightly better than Scene 1 and, frankly, Joey and Sammie have it beat as well. Score: 6 out of 10

There are lots of positives and negatives about That Bitch Ate Our Witch, enough to almost call the entire enterprise a wash. On the side of the sensational, Lee manages to incorporate some impressive visual and sonic effects all throughout this film. Whenever a "magic" moment occurs (something materializes, a person disappears) it is signaled by the use of some incredibly inventive and professional CGI. The accompanying sonic boom also adds to the phantasmagorical element of the sequence. The director also opens up this porno, taking it out of the typical 'mansion for hire' setting to show us a woodland wolf chase (nice way to work in the company logo, Mr. Lee), the sloppiest classifieds office in the world, and Randy Spears' backwoods sex shack. These logistical elements really expand the scope of the film, making it feel less like a standard compilation and more like a regular feature. And for fans of petite ladies with – more or less – natural breasts, Bitch/Witch offers up a throng of such bite-size babes.

On the downside, there are far too many otherwise decent performers given very little or nothing to do here. Mike Horner, so good as the doctor in Eye of the Beholder has a throwaway cameo as Kelly's stuck up dad, while Isabella Soprano just walks around in a skimpy maid's outfit, looking stupid. Also, you're enjoyment of the sex scenes will match directly with your desire to see the same three men porking all of these pies. As stated before, the girl/girl gratuity sucks rat feces, and the overall plot gets sidetracked several times for pointless conversations that don't seem to be part of the narrative. Still, That Bitch Ate Our Witch is a good time goofy diversion, with just enough energetic sex to get us over the awkward moments. While it's not the full out fuck charade it wants to be, it still has enough humor and humping to satisfy the most discriminating taste.

The Video:
Looking amazingly bright and clear in an excellent 1.33:1 full screen transfer, the direct to digital dynamics of Bitch/Witch look great. There is a real feature film feel to the image – helped immeasurably by the sensational F/X – and it's captured brilliantly on this Simon Wolf DVD. Colors are correct (rejoice all you fleshtone lovers out there) and contrasts are kept to a minimum, meaning plenty of details, but no distracting artifacts like edge enhancement or haloing to worry about. Overall, this is a great looking movie, made even more visually dense thanks to director Lee's way with composition and shot selection.

The Audio:
Everything stated about the image is equally applicable to the sonic side of the title. That Bitch Ate Our Witch has a nice balance between diddling and dialogue, and the unusual underscoring (part electronica, part classical-lite) works really well within the Dolby Digital Stereo mix. And as mentioned before, the subwoofer gets quite a workout during the moments of magic. This is a quality aural offering in the usually ordinary adult DVD marketplace.

The Extras:
Simon Wolf never shies away from loading up its product line with all manner of supplemental material, and That Bitch Ate Our Witch is certainly no exception. From the clever animated menus (featuring dialogue and scenes from the film) to the act-by-act breakdown in the scene selection mode, this is a well crafted DVD package. While pop shot comps, trailers, and galleries are nothing more than bare bones bonk fodder, the inclusion of some Behind the Scenes footage and a bonus scene are always welcome XXX-tras. The Making-Of moments give us a chance to see how many of the effects shots were achieved, as well as experiencing director Lee's difficulty in working with a live wolf (who was domesticated, but a tad camera shy). Everyone in the cast gets a couple of Q&A sequences, and Tiffany proves the opening theory that some porn stars have difficulty with dialogue as she blows...her lines, again and again and again. Overall, this is a decent backstage glance, with just the right amount of information and insertion to keep you interested. As for the complimentary carnality, we get the following risqué reward:

Bonus Scene: Wanda Curtis, Hershel Savage
From Roommate from Hell (2002)
Directed by Bud Lee
Acts Performed: Blow Job, Ball Action, 69, Reverse Cowgirl, Mish, $hot on Breasts

As Aurora Snow looks on (too bad she's not part of the action) Methuselah's great nephew, Hershel Savage, shows wicked Wanda Curtis a thing or two about REALLY old school sex. At about ten minutes, and only two real positions, this piddly pairing has some sizzle, but an overall limited lewdness appeal. Hershel is just too aged to tantalize, and Wanda obviously feels likewise. She seems bored or bothered a great deal of the time. With the promise of Snow leading to the disappointment of this dicking, our extra action hardly feels like a merchandising reward. Score: 4 out of 10.

Final Thoughts:
It may be unfair to ridicule adult industry talent for being unable to convincingly hold a conversation onscreen, but with the growing division between gonzo and straight features, the need to be normal in front of the camera is as crucial as how wide your pussy opening is. That Bitch Ate Our Witch is hindered by some less than successful non-porn performance moments, but has an overall level of eros that's enticing enough to forgive the lax acting. On the Disco Dirge Peter Meter, our supernatural sex comedy earns a respectable 6 out of 10 and is recommended. Couples will love all the lunacy as well as the softer, straight feature sex. As a result, a Cohabitation Certification is easily approved. Gone are the days, apparently, when cinematic authenticity meant you could open your mouth and recite words without coming across like a brain-addled retard. But in the post-millennial world of hardcore, such givens are growing more and more infrequent. While it's not the worst example of tainted thespian tendencies ever captured on film, That Bitch Ate Our Witch won't wow you with its Method madness.