First Impressions:
Granted, it's a completely personal aesthetic, and may have no real place in the critique of mainstream movies, but looks are linked to porn in such a strict, structured way that to avoid mentioning it is disingenuous to those who read XXX reviews. If you don't find an actress attractive, or if her partners appear like reprobate from the retirement home, it's hard to get your proclivities peeked. Sure, most hardcore action focuses more on the insertion than the individual, but fantasy also plays a major role in the regulating of the risqué. If you can't imagine yourself diddling the dame onscreen (recognizable availability factors and wanton willingness taken for granted), your enjoyment may be jinxed. At least, this is how the Dirge views it. Others may be able to look past a set of stunted teeth or a really hideous face to experience the Eros. For this critic, appearance is an important part of the arousal element of adult entertainment. Jenna and Janine are not superstars for nothing

The Sex Scenes:

With a couple of unfortunate looking ladies as part of the selection of scenes, Teenage Cum Sluts is pretty hit or miss. There are a couple of caveats that one can easily mention when discussing this film. Whenever there are more than two people in a scene, the fucking is so frantic that any recognizable chemistry is more or less destroyed. Secondly, whenever it's guy/gal/gal, be thankful. It's a lot better than guy/guy/gal. One dick doing all the talking is far more interesting than two dudes drilling for the same sexual sluice. Finally, the more positions, the better – UNLESS, they are performed in such a hurried, hapless manner that our interest in the action becomes wobbly. Add in the constant calling card of abuse (lots of choking, slapping and spitting here) and the few fugly females participating and this title runs into trouble. Luckily, three of the five sequences here provide enough porn power to overcome the lesser, lacking aspects.

Scene 1: Liv Wylder, Tee Reel, Sascha
Acts Performed: Blowjob, Dueling Head, Deep Throating, Ball Action, Face Fucking, Doggy, Pile Driver, Scissors, V to M, Reverse Cowgirl, Cowgirl, Anal Fingering, Anal Faux Fisting, DP in the Cowgirl Position, A to M, Anal Reverse Cowgirl, DP in the Reverse Cowgirl Position, Anal Mish, Mish, $hot in Mouth x 2, Swallowing
Score: 1.5 out of 5

Before he begins bellyaching, the Dirge wants to make one thing clear. He LOVES oral sex. In his private life, it's the hot fudge on his own erotic ice cream. But when an actress spends several minutes blowing dick for no other reason than a non-literal time suck, the BJ becomes BORING. Tee and Sas stand around for nearly ten mindless minutes as Ms. Liv lunches on their logs like she hasn't eaten penis in decades. The constant cramming and basting of boner gets old quickly. We want her to finish filling her pie hole with prick and let the other orifices have a little man meat. Thankfully, our porn puppets deliver the dong, heating things up substantially once the DP arrives. But with Liz's less than fetching features, it's too little to generate much substantial sizzle.

Scene 2: Joselyn Pink, Veronica Stone, Kurt Lockwood
Acts Performed: Standing Cowgirl, V to M, Blowjob, Walk the Dog, Vibrator Masturbation, Taint Action, Cunnilingus, Spooning, Man Ass Fingering, Choking, Mish, Face Slapping, Hair Pulling, Cowgirl, Face Sitting, Rough Play, Tit Slapping, Boob Bongo, Alternating V to M, Three Way Kissing, $hot in Mouth, Snowball
Score: 2 out of 5

Want to see the hardcore version of a hurricane? Just watch that tattooed titan Kurt take on these two excitable gals. The Dirge likes to refer to them as 'the Stick Figure' (Joselyn) and 'the Beaver' (Veronica). Ms Pink is indeed tent pole-like. Ms. Stone on the other hand has one of the hairiest bushes in modern XXX movies. Back in the day, we middle aged aficionados of smut were used to seeing unshaved snatches, thick shaggy briars loaded with curly bristles to inspire lust and amplify the libido. Today, it's a landing strip (if that) on most of the industry's icons. So it's very brave of Veronica to hirsute her hole in such a manner. Frankly, it's one of the more interesting elements in the scene. The sex, on the other hand, is so wild and reckless that it is borderline brutal (Joselyn really lays into her same sex partner during the action). It really detracts from what is otherwise a convincing slice of porn pandemonium. While you can't have the carnality without the chaos, the lack of control really kills the mood.

Scene 3: Holly Wellin Mark Davis
Acts Performed: Toy Masturbation, Toy A to M, Cunnilingus, Salad Tossing, Fingering, V to M, Anal Fingering, Anal Faux Fisting, Tit Sucking, Blowjob, Deep Throat, 69, Reverse Cowgirl, Anal Reverse Cowgirl, Gaping, Sit and Spin Anal, Anal Mish, V to A to M, $hot on Face and In Mouth, Oral Clean-up, Swallow
Score: 3.5 out of 5

Here's proof that Teenage Cum Sluts works better one on one. Ms. Wellin looks excellent in her bawdy birthday suit, and everyone's favorite pig boy, the meaty Mark Davis, really plays up the passion. The performers here really connect, letting chemistry drive their desire. This is so much more preferable than the use of editing to edge along the naughty nookie narrative. There is lots of positional action here as well as times when the fierceness of the fucking really shines through. This is without a doubt the best scene of the set, since it offers an authentically arousing XXX sequence.

Scene 4: Persia De Carlo, Van Damage
Acts Performed: Blowjob, Cunnilingus, Salad Tossing, Mish, Pile Driver, Doggy, Reverse Cowgirl, V to M, Standing Cowgirl, Cowgirl, $hot on Face
Score: 2 out of 5

Again…one guy…one gal…one good scene. Ms. De Carlo may not be the most attractive talent present, but she sure enjoys pumping on Van's peter. Their copulations are intense and interesting. When we watch Persia's face, we can see that she really seems to be enjoying herself. Though her pock-marked cheeks caked with makeup may turn some men off, she is a blistering babe in the sack, and her round and randy lady lumps offer voluptuous fun for guys who like their gals curvy. A few more positions and this would be one of the best sequences offered. Unfortunately, this scene seems to stop before it gets good and gratuitous.

Scene 5: Jeanie Marie, Cindy Sterling, Kurt Lockwood
Acts Performed: Girl on Girl Action, Blowjob, Male Salad Tossing, Reverse Cowgirl, V to M, Alternating Head, Male Ass Fingering, Mish, Doggy, Cunnilingus, 69 with Doggy and Ball Action, Anal Doggy, $hot to Mouth, Snowballing
Score: 2 out of 5

Oh my, aesthetic standards are truly tested in this final three way workout. Mr. Lockwood is not the problem. Both Jeanie Marie and Cindy Sterling, however, look used, abused and contused. One has a set of choppers that would make Minnie Pearl weep with hillbilly happiness. The other is a pimple-faced priss who believes a silver choker will distract us from her harsh, haggard looks. Together they are cinematic Salt Peter and really reduce the potential porn power of this sequence. There is a lot going on here, with the women trying to turn on the heat. Sadly, only Kurt's quasi-cut physique can offer any kind of hardcore hope. But even he's a few bong hits away from being buff, so it's a wanton wash all the way around.

Disco Dirge Peter Meter Rating: 3 out of 5 (Recommended
Cohabitation Certification: Questionable

With two scenes that sizzle, another couple that compete for arousal, and a single unworthy entry, there is more than enough acceptable XXX action here to warrant a Recommendation. The Dirge, however, would warn again that this decision is based solely on the beauty vs. boner parameters of his preferences. You might see someone like Persia De Carlo and believe she's a mega-babe. Or, you could look at her and instantly start drive heaving. But with his rep as a XXX critic on the line, he would argue that there is more sizzle than gristle here. Couples may want to avoid this entry, however, since it definitely plays up the assault and battery angle of adult entertainment. The action is very aggressive, and there is no real romance (implied or visible) in the pairings. Using looks to determine a porno's probable entertainment factors may not be fair, but sometimes it is necessary. Teenage Cum Sluts does indeed demand such an approach.