BRING ON THE UK LESBIAN PORN

This collection of four UK-produced lesbian scenes from 18 Magazine is a low-rent, shot-on-the-fly skin flick with possibly the worst production values I've ever seen in porn—and that's saying something. Populated by third-tier foreign actresses who mostly just need some dental work done (perhaps that's what they'll use the money from this flick for), Teen Lezzies offers only minor pleasures, but even those are obscured by harsh lighting and terrible, amateur video shooting. It's just over an hour long and contains only brief shining moments. Let's take a look at each scene.

Scene 1

The first scene begins with two young British lasses—Patricia and Claire Marie—idly paging through a skin magazine and comparing their bodies with those of the models. Soon, all their clothes are shed and they're applying their tongues to forbidden places. This is not necessarily a bad scene. I mean, it boasts some cunny-lapping that's just fine, as well as some nice, fun giggling. And it's got some hearty toyplay. But there's no getting around the bad-teeth factor. It's difficult to watch the "O" face when all you can think is that some orthodontia work is in order. These girls, I'm afraid, just aren't the most attractive in the world, and their energy leaves a bit to be desired. Grade: C-

Scene 2

A more pleasing scene starts off with some leisurely masturbation, interrupted by another woman, who immediately dives into the action. These two girls—Angelica and Paris—are more attractive than those in the first scene, and they give off a more sensuous, into-it vibe. They're not as giggly, but in the end, this scene is more arousing. One plus is that the girls embark on a lovely 69 on the floor, but it's unfortunately short-lived. Later, a strap-on dildo comes annoyingly into play, disrupting a fine sense of realism. Grade: C+

Scene 3

A young lady is washing dishes and opens the door to her friend, and they find themselves in a suds fight. And then there's some eating and some random nonsense between the two girls—Majella and Maria W. Before too long, they're gettin' hot and heavy on the kitchen table, and we get a return to the giggliness of the first duo. The scene's highlight is a little "eating off the body" action, involving whipped cream and strawberries. You know, if that's your thing. Later, they take a shower together, and there's lots of rubbing and shower-nozzle fun. These girls are the most attractive yet (but still not knockouts), but the lighting is unflattering, as with the rest of the DVD. Grade: B-

Scene 4

Tally and Vicky are paging through another skin mag, making fun of the models, and I'm sorry, but I can't get past the nose on one of these girls. I mean, whoa. Anyway, they get down to business pretty quick, and soon they're enjoying a nice sit-on-the-face moment, followed by some quite pleasant 69 action. The introduction of toys actually works in this scene, thanks to some creative vibrator use. But, man, that nose. Grade: C

AUDIO/VIDEO PRESENTATION

This is a below-average production, with video seemingly captured on the cheapest camera available, with its microphone capturing every incidental sound, including passing aircraft. There's a hollowness to the audio that's quite distracting, and voices have an annoying echo. The 1.33:1 image has adequate detail, but the lighting is overdone, making every surface—including the actresses' skin—pale and bleached out. Or maybe that's the real hue of UK gals' skin.

EXTRAS

All you get is a Slide Show and a few Previews.