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This Ain’t Jaws XXX

Hustler Video/Adam & Eve

Genre: Parody

The Ladies

Director: Stuart Canterbury

Cast: Lily LaBeau, Danny Wylde, Phoenix Marie, Rocco Reed, Alexis Ford, Jayden Cole, Darcy Tyler, Dale DaBone, Alexis Ford, Evan Stone

Length: 100:02 minutes

Date of Production: 8/31/2011

Extras: The extras were the cookie cutter standard, as expected with some trailers from both companies, a photogallery, spam, and a lengthy Behind the Scenes feature lasting 26:08 minutes. The BTS was pretty decent, the ladies showing off on the beach and in some of the green screen effect shots. The second version of the movie, the advertised 3D version, was the only thing on the second disc, the visual appeal of the effect somewhat limited in the portions I saw (complete with a couple sets of glasses).

Condoms: None

Lily LaBeau

Audio/Video Quality: This Ain’t Jaws XXX was presented in a fetching 1.78:1 widescreen color by director Stuart Canterbury for both Adam & Eve and Hustler Videousing MPEG-2 with the usual 480 resolution. The bitrate hovered around the 6.1 Mbps mark but the standard definition version of the show was not truly on the same level as Hustler’s last 3D hit, Ghostbusters, the budgetary aspects hampering it substantially. The 3D version was done in the older style anaglyph (red and blue) so don’t expect a whole lot if you want depth of field comparable to that found on the high end systems (shutter glasses and such) which has yet to find a big market anyway. The green screen effects were woefully weak too, the liberties taken with the material such that the original copyright owners probably wouldn’t fuss too loudly about this pornified version, the fact that two companies went in on it together kind of surprising given the cheesy look of the whole thing. The audio was presented in 2.0 Dolby Digital stereo English using a 224 Kbps bitrate at 48 kHz in both versions. The vocals on the scenes were flat and even in most cases, the score by “Mr. Bones” and editing by Drew Rose among the best aural parody experience I’ve heard since voting in the AVN awards late last year.

Phoenix Marie

Body of Review: Stuart Canterbury has been directing porn for decades now and most of his work comes from Hustler Video. While I admit his miss to hit ratio is still pretty bad these days, he manages to chug parodies out on the cheap in little time, the likely amount of sales covering costs regardless of the quality of his shows. The most recent of these making it my way is This Ain’t Jaws XXX, a pornified look at a popular thriller from the mid 1970’s, this time the company working in conjunction with Adam & Eveand their lovely contract gal Alexis Ford, the results certainly more mixed than I would have liked. It made sense to limit the shark footage (all CGI off course) to the bare minimum, the last few minutes blowing the wad in such a manner that I almost wish it was farmed out to one of the parody heavyweights (at least if given a bigger budget and more time). Here’s a brief look at the scenes by cast and action, noting that no condoms were used for those still interested:

Jayden Cole and Alexis Ford

Scene One: Lily LaBeau, one of the cutest young ladies in all of porn, was up first as she strolled into a secluded area with Danny Wylde, a bamboo screen surrounding them as they peeled their clothing off. He started playing with her perfect boobs and caressing her, Lily slobbing his knob briefly before they did a few vaginal penetration positions. Lily did not actively ride the cock and showed no discernable chemistry with Danny, his minimal pop of genetic juice landing on her crotch.

Darcy Tyler with Dale

Scene Two: Phoenix Marie, a busty babe with an awesome set of curves, was up next in a changing cabana at the beach, her attire tossed aside to showcase her body ever so well as the upbeat music played in the background. Rocco Reed stepped in wearing a goofy wig, both of them unable to keep their hands off each other, some kissing leading to Phoenix playing with his growing bulge. She dropped down to slob his knob aggressively, Rocco missing out on reciprocating before boning her completely shaven snatch. The good news was that she actively rode his pecker like she was scratching a deep seated itch, the camera work zooming in on her mid section rather than provide any contextual shots or even slightly less lame close ups. They kept plowing the pussy until he beat off a pretty substantial load all over her face and torso, the population pudding tasty enough for her to give some post coital head and swallow whatever found its way in her mouth.

Alexis Ford with Evan

Scene Three: Alexis Ford, the hotty contract blond seen on the lower right side of the front cover, and sexy redhead Jayden Cole, the gal seen on the lower left hand side, were up next in a lesbian scene. It was a back to basics attempt at lipstick lesbianism but I like both of them enough to have found the tryst not only watchable but providing some replay value. They spent time on tits, pussy and even some solo masturbation, the couple doing each other on the desk as shot from the side view. Each grabbed a vibrator and did themselves next to each other, my preference for the ladies working each other not catered to in the slightest.

The Shark

Scene Four: Darcy Tyler, an older blond with a smoking hot body, was up next in a living room with Dale DaBone. This was an unusually weak role for him given the strength of his previous efforts in the genre, the sexual portion showing he at least had that to fall back upon with the sexually attractive woman. Her large boobs looked especially hot in the neon pink bra, her oral skills looking more like she has had a little experience but not the amount a few of the others had, offering a savory experience more than just following the formula. She worked his rod into her mouth and then actively rode his pecker vaginally, Dale making no attempt to satisfy her orally before unleashing his modest wad of spunk all over her face.

The Shark part 2

Scene Five: Alexis Ford, playing a crucial role as a biologist (much hotter looking than Richard Dreyfus ever was back in the day or since), on the boat, then took on crazy Evan Stone, the captain of the ship. Of the entire cast, at least Evan came across as properly spoofing the character role he was in, her hot body jumping on him as he went for it in the cabin below helping give the limited parody a bit of wind. He ate her snatch and she enjoyed his actions, Alexis just as orally compelled to make her mark before they boned like horny teenagers. They screwed vaginally in a few positions and she dropped to her knees to receive his splooge, her titty fuck milking his balls as much as his hand coming in for the close.

Summary: This Ain’t Jaws XXX by director Stuart Canterbury for Hustler Video and Adam & Eve lacked the blockbuster appeal of some of the upcoming parodies but the problems it had were more related to the failure to handle the basic elements right. There was scant chemistry between the performers and the sex scenes were handled weakly, the feature elements and liberties taken not salvaging the flick in any meaningful manner either but it could be worth a rating of Rent It to fans of the cast, especially Alexis Ford or Phoenix Marie fans given their participation in another attempt at a winner. In short, This Ain’t Jaws XXX dropped the ball in a few areas but hardcore fans of the 3D special effect, at least the old style that gives many of us headaches if watched for more than a short period of time, might just like it for the cheese appeal combined with an old classic summer blockbuster, however weakly done.