Content: 1.5/5 stars

Running Time: 1 hours, 47 minutes

Cast: Various performers

Directed by: Unknown

Genres: BBWs, Face-sitting, Fetish

Condoms: No

Audio/Video: German language, no subtitles. No technical specifications to note, video can be subject to motion-blur at a few given instances

Bonus Scenes: N/A

Extras: N/A

Overview: The new porn website Plumpered (no relation to the ever-popular Plumper Pass) has released their debut porn DVD Sit Happens, featuring a German cast of unnamed talent that proves to be a thinly stretched concept taken way too far even for a disc that's less than two hours.

Scene 1: Unnamed male performer and unnamed brunette female performer

The opening scene starts with a lot of dialog, and because of the language barrier, the lack of subtitles, and the lack of any forewarning on the DVD that the disc is in German, I'm unfortunately not going to be much help when it comes to iterating the setup of the scene. From the looks of it, an unnamed man is frustrating a brunette woman by his persistent laziness, so her punishment for him is to hop on the uniquely sloped couch to smother his face with her crotch. She initially sits facing away from him, her pussy smashed into his face, but turns around shortly to have her ass absorb his entire head, rubbing the rising bulge in his jeans in the process to further tease him.

Our woman of the hour takes off her large black thong not only to allow her vagina to breath but for her man's face to fully be acquainted with her booty, as she sashays and wiggles her hips to create a rippling jiggle atop him. She finally switches to more of a 69 position to jerk and eventually suck him off, providing some intimacy to an otherwise sterile setup and concept. The sex, when it arrives, is something of a reverse cowgirl, with her hanging over the front of the couch riding him while exhaling the same monotone moans for several minutes while her tits barely poke out of her black tank top.

The otherwise flaccid scene wraps up with him glazing her tits with a large load, and we see what a thinly veiled concept face-sitting truly is when there is little else going on besides it. The lack of subtitles already hinders whatever kind of setup the scene could've had for English speaking audiences, but the kind of female power, dominance, and otherwise kink that comes from face-sitting (mostly from the dialog) is lost due to the emphasis on the obvious. There's nothing here and it's a waste of a scene, especially as it sets a low bar for the film as a whole. 1.5/5 stars.

Scene 2: Unnamed male performer and unnamed, dark-haired female performer

A black-haired BBW beauty in a neon pink dress that could stop traffic with its brightness wanders onto a tennis court to reprimand and harass the young man who is trying to adjust the net to play a game by himself, from the looks of it. She dominates him a bit with a tennis racket before squatting her panty-clad pussy on his face, muffling any whimpers or cries to cease. There's an interesting voyeur aspect at play here as she progressively pulls her one-piece dress up past her belly and lets her tits flail around as the camera captures things occasionally from a great distance.

She straddles his face in a 69 in the meantime, massaging his crotch and throwing a lot of energy into her hips to ruffle his face. Meanwhile, closeup shots of him favor the top of his head engulfed by a large amount of shimmying flesh. She strokes his cock as he continues to feast on her ass, seductively sucking while giving her active hips a rest so they can simply lie perched on his face. Things get a little more energetic when she goes back to riding, or when she decides to pretzel her legs around his neck, but by the time the two have a mediocre bout of sex and finish off with a cumshot as night abruptly falls, all's lost in hoping this scene does anything else but, yet again, tag the bases (or circle the court in this case, if you will). 2/5 stars.

Scene 3: Unnamed male performer and unnamed, blonde female performer

A bleach blonde woman lounging on a lawn-chair, soaking up the sun rays starts the scene by taking advantage of a young man, getting him to massage sun-tan lotion onto her legs as she tans. She's relentless the instant she forces his head between her legs, gripping his head and thrusting it her vagina into his face. She almost reminds of Alura Jenson in the way she often commands the men in her scene, but far less charismatic due to the fact that not only is she given nothing to work with, she also doesn't improvise much more than droning moans.

She shifts a bit to a grinding motion when she places her ass on her man's face, smashing his head between her buxom chest. She takes her panties off to give him a better taste, eventually going down on him and allowing her breasts to smash against his stomach for a warm, intimate blowjob. The two maximize what little space they have on a small lawn-chair, but that doesn't mean camera angles nor positions are maximized. Everything here is rote and goes through the same exhausting motions.

She involves herself a bit more by grinding her hips over his face as he lies under her, grabbing her thighs for support. She ends things by getting up and getting on her knees to blow him and manages to stroke him to squirting a load out before shooing him off and out of her yard. This would've been a great ending if the scene had some sort of introduction, or even featured our female performer getting into some kind of character. Instead, it's just as bad and as basic as the opener. 1.5/5 stars.

Scene 4: Unnamed male performer and unnamed, strawberry blonde female performer

Sit Happens honors one mantra and that's saving the best for last. Set on a beautiful cabana deck overlooking an exotic beach with crashing waves, it shows two people, a younger man and a woman who barely qualifies as a BBW but overqualifies as a gorgeous and buxom lady. The two seem to be engaged in a game of dirty pictionary until she decides it would be a lot more fun to carry out the sexual events they are drawing in real life.

He lies on the picnic table beneath the canopy and she hops up on the table, taking time to bend her knees and squat on his face as he indulges in her crotch. She's not very large, as stated, but she's just the right size to engulf him. She spends a lot of her time atop him smiling and softly stroking her nipples, gently grinding her panties against his face. She turns around after a short while so we can behold her round mound of ass that's exposed through a thin thong. During these moments, the very professional cinematography and camerawork help to break up the monotony as long-shots and atmospheric sound-tracks almost make us forget all the lameness we sat through to get here.

She finally strips down completely and continues to ride his face until she feels up for a 69. Despite taking an absurdly long time to initiate a blowjob, methodically rubbing his crotch before undoing his jeans in a scenario that takes up five minutes, she manages to lightly and casually deepthroat him. The two end things by opting for a quick cunnilingus and an even quicker spoon session of sex before he erupts all over her face. There's a quality-standard to this scene that I appreciate, one that's a lot more formal and evident than the previous two, but the problems of repetition are still very much in play. 2.5/5 stars.

Final Thoughts

Sit Happens is so bland and boring that it hardly qualifies as even a vaguely satisfying masturbatory fantasy. To begin with, the concept is thin, so it's almost necessary for success that the act of face-sitting leads to things such as female domination, dirty-talk, or some added element of raunch or kink. Unfortunately, Plumpered and company are okay with the inevitable and the obvious, with the added deterrent of not introducing or naming the talent in any way - a criminal offense in my mind for a pornographic film - and adding a language barrier for the audience that turns the film into even more of a one-note affair than it already is.

I can only compare Sit Happens to the "Black Meat White Feet" series DogFart has kept going on a sporadic basis for the last several years. The concept of a foot-job is pretty unexciting, but throw in the perceived taboo of interracial sex, a lot of dirty-talk, and even unpredictable intercourse and you have yourself a concept. Sit Happens flounders when tasked with giving us more than what we already know will occur. Aside from some occasionally pretty cinematography and momentary bout of inspiration on the performer's behalf, it's a frustrating, inert affair after ten minutes.