1973, 54 minutes plus extras

No director credit.

With: Sharon Thorpe, Linda Lovewhip, Kitty, Michelle, Sherry, Suzette, others.

VCX went deep, deep into the vaults (or in the dirt behind the vault walls) for this short, grainy celluloid film from the early ’70s that will hold very tenuous appeal for two fan factions: those who love hairy pussies and those interested in anything from porn’s formative years. Long-haired, pale-skinned bespectacled hippie chick Sharon Thorpe is the only performer here who went on to have a substantial smut career (her credits extended to the late ’80s), but she and the half dozen other actors on view are forgotten to time – and were anonymous to begin with in 1973.

Four wannabe whores are sitting around their apartment wondering where it all went wrong. They apparently all love sex, but they’ve failed as pros. One gags on cock, one falls asleep during coitus, another is always unsatisfied and winds up paying her johns to fuck her some more even after they’ve cum. Bored and broke (Thorpe sits around eating cans of Alpo), they answer Madame Linda Lovewhip’s ad in a sex rag that promises ace blow job training that will allow students to join “the lucrative new wave of porno films and live sex acts.”

Cut to Linda’s place, where the energetic pro has the girls practice oral sex by first eating her out “because a woman’s clit is just like a small cock.” On their second day with Linda, they watch some porn loops and learn that “one of the cardinal rules you must remember is that cocksucking – real cocksucking – is not fun. It is work work work!” (You could say that attitude is the polar opposite of what abides in today’s porn universe with titles like “13 Cum Hungry Cock Suckers.”) After the instructive Super 8 session, the Madame calls in two dorks to serve as practice dummies, and after each girl takes a swipe at the two limp dicks, it’s everybody onto the crowded bed, including Linda.

THE DVD

The DVD box copy says “Three Cheers for BJU” (or whatever its actual title was back in 1973; the print here has no opening or closing credits) is digitally remastered. Which is correct if you define digital remastering as taking the oldest, scratchiest, blurriest, most washed-out video available and slapping it onto a disc.

The live-action main menu (featuring a scene not in the movie) offers a choice of Play Movie, Scenes and Extras. The extras are fairly substantial – and actually better than the main feature. You get trailers for late-’70s/’80s titles “Little Girls Blue,” “Pink Champagne,” “Making It Big” and “Untamed.” Even better are complete scenes from four other films of similar vintage: “Sore Throat,” “Reflections,” “On White Satin” and “Nasty Lady,” featuring such famed fuckers as Seka, Nicole West and Paul Thomas. A “Legendary Tribute” montage of (nonexplicit) scenes from various VCX properties is skippable.

THE LAST WORD

More valuable as artifact than as cock stimulator, “Three Cheers for BJU” is simply a strain on the eyes, and would only be of interest if it featured a future star in an early appearance. It doesn’t. It’s likely been forgotten even the people in it. Full female bush is the only possible selling point, but with such a badly aged print as this, that’s stretching it.