GENRE: Blow Job Fetish Amateur Gonzo
DIRECTOR: Unknown
STARS: Deana Wayne, Chrissy Banks, Brandy Dean, Susanna Bradford, Nikki Tanner, Eva Lopez, Vickie Vixen, Sassy Mills
DATES OF PRODUCTION: 2005
LENGTH: 160 mins with bonus material

It's the thing guys crave and the concept girls despise. It's the junior high equivalent of "going all the way" and the high school replacement for a goodnight kiss. For the married man, it's a holiday ritual and for the haggard housewife, it's a way of getting the lummox off the couch and onto his 'honey do' list. Call it peter puffing, baloney basting or log lunching, but the blowjob is an erotic enigma all its own. Perhaps no other sexual act, aside from salad tossing, gets so much bad booty press. Of course, some of the slander makes sense. This is, after all, a man's urine tube we're talking about, a fleshy length that can have its own hideous hygiene and health issues. To stick something so closely associated with jock itch, smegma and 'piss' poor bathing habits into your mouth requires a helluva Herculean effort on the part of most partners (be they female or male). Yet for many guys, a good helping of head is the Holy Grail, a way to experience the warmth and wonder of moist, juicy johnson arousal without having to do all that troublesome pumping.

This is obviously the reason why the porn industry is overloaded with oral only hardcore titles. These shaft snack selections give the unlucky loner a chance to fantasize about what it would be like to have their wood waxed by a supremely slutty wench. In the genre, the key is 'the sloppier and skankier, the better' as men want a video vixen to work that worm with a kind of reckless abandon, like they'd eat it on a platter with sauerkraut if they could, smacking their spunk flecked lips along the way. Well, if you're hoping that XXX upstart Damaged Pictures has a wealth of dick dousing in store for you with the first volume in its Oral Intake series, you'd better start looking for another place to experience your rod relishing. Aside from the obvious crude cinematic stylings, this is one lousy lay of a DVD, about as exciting as discovering pus dripping from the head of your hog.

The DVD:
Let's get some basic information out of the way right up front. This is nothing more than a collection of eight humdrum scenes, each one offering oral ONLY (no penetration and very little female interaction involved here) and following a similar pattern of pork polishing. The girls blow boner for about 10 to 15 minutes, using one of two techniques (which will be discussed in a moment) and then wait for the men to finish themselves off with their hand. The pops are pathetic, usually amounting to nothing more than a few drops of ball broth, and the overall atmosphere is one of half-assed hardcore.

Indeed, most of Oral Intake plays like reprobate college kids making porn for the first time. The camerawork is atrocious, the editing is awful, the framing is fucked up – and the heinous head here is a chore to behold. One imagines hookers cruising dive bars for a little paste practice would suck better cock, and be more physically attractive, than the awkward "actresses" presented on this DVD.

The first flub for this film is that these glorified sperm banks have a real lack of sexual imagination. As stated before, they can only rock knob in one of two familiar fashions. The first kind - the most NORMAL kind - is called shaft slurping. This is your standard "cock goes in, cock goes out" action where the mouth is nothing more than a standard, 'O'-shaped repository for perpetual piston rod ramming. Unless the gal can work up some spit, or show her propensity for deep throating, this is as mechanical as a blowjob can get.

But what many of these pathetic performers must resort to is something called 'heady goodness', and the reason for such an approach usually stems from one of two factors – flaccidity or fear. We will get to the limp-dicked dimension in a moment. For many of the hardcore honeys here, there is a real desire not to be tasting him-timber, and as a result, they are putting as little pecker in their pie hole as possible. This is the very foundation of heady goodness.

The act is relatively easy to recognize. The female hand has a kind of death grip grasp on the offending member, the only parts of the penis visible inside the firm fist being the head and the base. As she PRETENDS to jack the joint, she sheepishly inserts the top of the cock into her mouth. She makes a kind of kissing motion, and then dick is immediately released. If she is a real experts, the girl can then follow-up the fake out with a satisfied salami-slopping smile, ACTING like she enjoys chowing on choad when you can tell that she'd really rather be eating out the asshole of a dead dog.

At least five of the eight scenes here present women that give a new definition to disgust as they push the heady goodness concept to radical extremes. Of course, it doesn't help matters much when the meat puppet you are working with is some unidentified frat boy whose wimpy wang can barely maintain interest, let alone rigidity, throughout the entire oral workout.

Indeed, anyone who dismisses the importance of penis in a XXX movie has obviously not seen the micro-shafted stooges who get their BJ on in this tired title. Between the pencils, the beanpoles, the unleavened loaves and the nasty noodles, these stunt dicks are just wretched. Besides, NONE of these men can maintain anything even closely resembling an erection. The actresses spend more time supporting the cocks they are supposedly sucking – heady goodness fist closed tightly around the taffy-like tools - than actually downing dick.

Sure, these girls have a definite bottom tier predisposition in the beauty department, but these men must be missing a buttload of testosterone to be such wilted pricks in their scenes. It tells you a lot about the quality of the sex when the talent can't get it up for the movie they are making. Some of this could be the result of the gonzo nature of the production – grabbing shots in a hotel room or buddy's apartment may not be the most conducive to hard rockiness. But one gets the feeling that Damaged Pictures is nothing more than a bunch of guys who see the profusion of porn in the marketplace, and with dollar signs in their eyes, shout "ME TOO!"

Still, one has to imagine that a professional penis plucker could get these borderline baby dicks up and dancing if they really knew their stuff. Sadly, the ladies of Oral Intake are just awkward maws, destined to go nowhere in a business that demands some spark (or sexual specialty) to make it beyond the day player parameters. Their uninterested mugs, staring dully from the DVD cover reminds one of a police line-up from a seedy strip club raid. Indeed, a couple of the performers here are a little long in the tooth to be making home movies for XXX nonentities.

Everything about Damaged Picture's production of Oral Intake: Volume 1 reeks of the routine and the proletarian. Many of the scenes are shot in a manner that suggests the cameraman – or director - was still learning the basics of filmmaking, elements like composition, framing, focus and movement. The lighting gives everyone the pallor of death – or maybe that's just how he or she arrived on set. And the tendency to discount things like credits (the DVD provides no information on the production, from cast to crew) and continuity (there are a lot of suspect edits in each scene) indicates that Oral Intake is a cut-rate creation. That the dick sucking would be equally Mickey Mouse is therefore not so much of a surprise.

The Video:
All hail the camcorder, right? Such a handy, dandy digital item can let anyone with a vision – or at least a few hundred bucks – pick up the motion picture mantel and make their own crappy video atrocity. Such is the case here. The 1.33:1 full screen image is a mess, a combination of poor color correctness, fuzzy, unfocused shots and a jittery, unsteady shooting scenario. If the porn doesn't make you nauseous, the wobbly to and fro of the cinematography is guaranteed to give you Blair Witch inspired motion sickness. If the makers of Oral Intake were striving to create a homemade feel to their film, they surely succeeded. This is definitely a case of the inmates running the asylum, cinematically speaking.

The Audio:
Obviously the result of some friend fooling around with a keyboard and a couple of phat hip-hop beats, every scene in Oral Intake has the same, stupid drum and bass bullshit slithering behind the sex in full Dolby Digital Stereo. On the negative side, the repetition can damage the ganglia in your nervous system. On the positive side, the Chinese aural water torture tendencies can be easily avoided with a quick flip of your remote control into the "mute" position.

The Extras:
Try as they might, Damaged just can't compete with the big boys when it comes to DVD production – especially in the realm of added content. The incredibly thin bonus offering here includes some trailers (snooze) a collection of cum shots (snore) and scene galleries (ZZZZZZZZZZ). While it may be too much to ask for a making-of, or behind the scenes featurette, perhaps a CAST LIST would be nice. After all, the only way to learn who is in this film is to head over to Damaged's website and look up the title information there.

Final Thoughts:
While the Dirge will freely admit that single sex act offerings are not high on his fuck and suck favorites list, it is hard to imagine that even the biggest blowjob fetish freak would enjoy this half-assed helping of head. There are better peddlers of such mouth-oriented oral antics out there, and you'd be much better off locating their preferable product. On the Disco Dirge Peter Meter, this title rates a sad 2 out of 10 and is definitely worth skipping. Couples will not enjoy this man-oriented mess, especially since it deals with a dimension of the bedroom romp that ladies don't always cotton to. So a Cohabitation Certification is easily withheld. Giving Damaged Pictures Hell for not providing a more professional product may seem unfair. After all, they are just starting out in the skin and sin trade. But to give up something as tepid and tainted as this cock-rocking joke is uncalled for. Oral Intake: Volume 1 promises to be the start of an entire series of blowjob bonanzas from the company. But after viewing the first installment, it doesn't look like this journey into the joys of unfettered fellatio will find its way into the classics of crotch knocking anytime soon.