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This Ain’t The Smurfs XXX Blu-ray

Hustler Video

Genre: Parody

The Ladies

Director: Axel Braun

Cast: Nicole Aniston, Evan Stone, Charley Chase, Jeremy Conway, Jay Crew, Lexi Belle, Barry Scott
Non-sex role: Bill Diehl

Length: 77:27 minutes

Date of Production: 3/2012

Extras: For some, the best extra would likely be the 3D version of the movie that came on a separate disc. It gave me a headache so I’ll just say to those of you into the current 3D craze, note that this was not the kind of 3D you see on those fancy, high end televisions no one is buying but the anaglyph (red & blue) kind few seem to care for. There was also a Behind the Scenes feature lasting 5:38 minutes, the footage primarily of Charley Chase in costume walking around a mall and on one of the sets. There were also some trailers, spam, and two photogalleries (one of the cast and the other of BTS).

Condoms: None

Smurfette, Papa Smurf, and Brainy Smurf

Audio/Video Quality: This Ain’t The Smurfs XXX was presented in a widescreen color with an aspect ratio of about 1.78:1 as shot by director Axel Braun for release by Hustler Video. Eli Cross was the camera operator and editing was done by the staff at Level 5 Post, the all important makeup handled by Alan Amithee and Felony. With so much riding on the technical aspects, I would have expected more care be given it but the body paint smeared too easily (something that happened in other parodies such as the Iron Man XXX title courtesy of the “Hulk”) and the green screen effects to denote the size variations of the cast were all over the map. The basic portions of the sex scenes were done well enough but the feature elements appeared to be terribly low budget. The 3D version of the show was modest, not half as fucked up as “This Ain’t Avatar XXX” but still shy of the “This Ain’t Ghostbusters XXX”, the format (in standard definition at least) probably needing a lot more big budget work to come across as well done. The bitrate itself was pretty high this time, helping make the production decent looking if not fully realizing the entire disc as well as could be expected, the second disc providing the 3D version. This was the upgraded Blu-ray version and the visual elements were upgraded but it also amplified the flws such as the body paint issues mentioned above. The audio was presented in the usual 2.0 Dolby Digital stereo English using the 192 Kbps bitrate expected of the movie. There was no readily apparent separation of the vocals and the movie had limited dynamic range but the theme song was as close a knockoff as you will likely find outside of a Will Ryder production.

Nicole Aniston and Evan

Body of Review: Axel Braun is best known as a pornographic director of parodies for Hustler Video (and others). His latest release is called This Ain’t The Smurfs XXX Blu-ray, the once popular cartoon characters a staple of Saturday morning television some 30+ years ago (and in syndication now). I won’t bore you with a detailed essay on the origins of the little blue communists but suffice it to say that they have been around longer than most people think (primarily in Europe), a village of small blue characters with only one chick speaking volumes about how much of a hell living with them would be. In any case, there has been a small resurgence for the Smurfs of late thanks to a big budget Hollywood release last year starring Neal Patrick Harris (though Hank Azaria stole every scene he was in as the vicious wizard Gargamel) so it makes sense that Axel jumps on the usual parody bandwagon to pornify the children’s characters, right? Frankly, I’m pretty sure that this was the worst idea he or the company could have come up with due to the usual reasons (don’t quote me as I’m sure Eli, Axel’s right hand man, could surpass this one in terms of bad taste) but I like the three ladies starring in the show and how tough is it to get body paint right? Lexi Belle stars as Smurfette, Nicole Aniston as the hotty secretary, and Charley Chase as Sansette Smurfling, Jeremy Conway as Brainy Smurf, Jay Crew as Poppa Smurf, and Barry Scott as the infamous Gargamel rounding out the rest of the leads (though Evan Stone gets a nod here and popular photographer Bill Diehl plays himself). Here’s a brief look at the scenes by cast and action, noting that no condoms were used for those still interested:

Charley Chase

Scene One: Nicole Aniston, a very attractive blond with dick sucking lips and impressive implants, was up first in her office with Evan Stone. She engaged in a sexual tryst with him to distract the guy from her discovery, the two ending up on the purple couch where he ravaged her bosoms and gobbled her gash before she slobbed his knob. There was little chemistry between them and the relative lack of tease was offset by their looks even though she was a surprisingly passive vaginal cock rider. The action ended when he beat off a round of genetic juice all over her torso and there was no follow up whatsoever.

Charley Chase and Lexi Belle

Scene Two: Charley Chase, portraying a construct used to infiltrate the Smurfs, was up next complete with prosthetics on her ears and nose along with the traditional blue skin. She seduced horny Jeremy “Brainy” Conway and Jay “Papa” Crew, the men savoring her breasts and the gal alternating between them to suck them off. She also sat on Jay’s face though the blue body paint was quickly coming off their peckers during her messy knob slobbing and vaginal riding, Charley carrying the scene since the guys appeared as clueless as cartoon characters about how best to use her assets. This might have been a good time to use a second camera to catch some of the better angles but it ended up with their cocks looking green and the skin around her mouth looking likewise after they blew loads of population pudding all over her face and chest (other body parts losing their paint too).

Lexi Belle with Barry

Scene Three: Lexi “Smurfette” Belle, the blond featured on the front cover, and her brunette counterpart there, Charley Chase, were up next on a desk to put on a lipstick lesbian show for photographer Bill. Charley was again the prime motivator of the action, some kissing and caressing leading to muff diving and ass eating. Much of the action was not caught explicitly but when it was, the problem with the body paint was worsened, especially around Lexi’s ass cheeks and pussy, some use of a small vibrator (as advertised on the front cover no less) allowing the penetrative need as they alternated with it. A second toy was deployed for them to mutually masturbate with side by side, the shapely gals not nearly as strokable given the dependence on gimmicks and limits of the action. No spunk was spilled and the only ball batter this scene will see with be hardcore fans at home depositing whatever they can muster in spite of the circumstances, the ladies taste testing and kissing to end it up.

A truly Happy Ending

Scene Four: Lexi Belle, last up with hated Barry “Gargamel” Scott, no explanation for their usual size difference made as he looked her over with a newfound appreciation of her physical presence. She sucked his pecker and concentrated on the top couple of inches, looking like it was made of toxic waste before he began vaginally banging her in a standing doggy. Her verbal comments were limited to a series of hateful grunts and she literally looked in pain, the paint issue arising yet again but mostly having me wonder what was wrong (Lexi usually enjoys herself or at least tries to, in her scenes). It ended when he unleashed his small wad of splooge onto her chest, his cock changing color to where he actually had blue balls but the follow up story seemingly miles apart from anything reasonable to tie up the story.

Summary: This Ain’t The Smurfs XXX Blu-ray by director Axel Braun for Hustler Video probably lost me in the concept, taking a children’s cartoon and pornifying it into a low budget fuck flick, but the smearing body paint did not help, nor did the weak script or limited amount of sex (4 scenes and a total running time under 80 minutes?!?). The extras, as long as you don’t include the 3D version as an extra since it was advertised on the cover (the double disc set comes with two sets of red/blue glasses), were on the light side too, a rushed feel about the entire project having watched it twice now. Admittedly, once you get past the weaker elements the sex was not bad, there was just a whole lot more potential that went untapped this time compared to Axel’s better efforts in the parody field of late that the best I can rate this is as a Rent It. In short, This Ain’t The Smurfs XXX had a good foundation in parodying the modest mainstream hit from last year but it played too fast & loose with major aspects of the transition and did not have either the fuck for the buck fans want or the story elements successfully handled to make it a winner so check this one out before buying a copy. In terms of the high definition upgrade, the visuals were better but the theme itself fell short for me just as much here as previously, if you have a kinky smurf fetish rolling around in your head, this is as good as I expect you will find.