Barely Legal 106

So we start with some ads with MAD THUNDERCLAP SOUND EFFECTS where some girls are playing with themselves and each other in very fake fashion. Seeeeexy.

More Hustler ads, where they inform us that you can, in fact, watch PORN on the INTERNET. What will they think of next?

MICHELLE BROWN AND HALIE JAMES

Michelle and Halie are out for a run. Both of them are clearly morons, as they're running braless. Halie tells Michelle that she's "one hot 18 year old." LOLOL. Halie then asks Michelle if she's ever had sex with a girl before, and that she needs to take her home and lick her. Michelle instantly agrees. They kiss ONCE before heading to the make-out rug in Halie's, er, parents' house. Riiiiiight.

Because girls exercise in these clothes. All the time. Y'know, actual
workout clothes are sexy! why the hell not use those? Jesus!

They're both pretty good looking, but Halie's got a tattoo of what I can only assume is her mother on her side. Weeeeeird. It keeps looking at me!

Pr0n St@r tattoo is watchin' you masturbate.
To her daughter!

Michelle keeps biting her lip, and I want her to stop. Other than that, it's nice to see a girl in porn who doesn't look like a total stick.

Anyway, Halie gets going with a bedazzled vibrator and Michelle helps her out. Some oral while Halie keeps her running shoes on.

Because "barely legal" girls put sticker-jewels on everything... right?

Then they switch and Halie starts playing with a vibrator, noting that she likes Michelle's "18 year old boobs." OMG NO WAI SHE'S REALLY 18 wait probably not. Whatever.

Who talks like that?!

Michelle keeps moaning as if she's getting pleasured while absolutely nothing happens. Laaaame.

SHAY BENNETT

Next there is an old creepy hippie band. Maybe this is their big break.

How could Hustler possibly know this isn't what you want to see in porn?

Anyway, this dude carries Shay and says he's going to "audition" her and everybody else should get some burgers. CREEPY.

Shay is fine with all of this and immediately starts sucking cock. The guy isn't too hard right off the bat, so I can't give her points for going all the way down just yet. When he does get hard, she only gets about halfway down, but at least she's not doing the fake hand/blowjob which WE ALL DREAD.

Just 'cause she has small (and nice) tits doesn't mean she's "barely legal", people!

One thing leads to another and they're fucking on the couch. She has small boobies but they're nice, even though she doesn't really look 18. He cums on her ass and says he "likes auditioning her". CREEPY. She licks his cock off and we're done.

TWEETY VALENTINE

Some dude comes up to Tweety and asks for her to be his model. He says he'll do her homework all semester and his parents are away from home and blah.

So Tweety poses for him on the couch and he draws a giant pussy. It's totally hilariously stupid. And then they start doin' it. LOLOL.

A picture's worth a thousand... whatever.

OK WHOA dude has a coke can cock. Seriously. She can't really get anywhere, and it's hard to say if it's because she's just got a small mouth or because his cock is inhumanly large. Damn! And for a porn guy, he's pretty good lookin'! I'm amazed. Gimme a call, Dane Cross!

I couldn't get a screencap that showed just how fat his cock was, but trust me. Dayum.

Multiple angles of really vanilla sex ensue. Yawn. Another ass cum shot. Then she says, "Can I draw you now?" and I wish they would stop ending these with lame-ass lines they think are zingers.

MCKENZIE SWEET

Next: Beekeepers. What.

I'm sorry ma'am, we're going to have to destroy this film
as it's an affront to all things interesting and sexy.

No, seriously, they're talking about BEEKEEPING. And she does not look barely legal.

Suddenly they're in a trailer. Drinking honey. From a glass. I SWEAR I CANNOT MAKE THIS UP. Then he makes out with her. Sure.

Dude has a pretty long cock. McKenzie gives it a good effort. Better than the other girls, I'd say.

Some titty fucking and more cock sucking. That's fine, fine, just fine.

Beekeepers are known for their swingin' mobile home bachelor pads.

Then he smacks his cock against her tongue, which is obligatory in porn, before he licks her pussy. Then there is some sexing. You know, in the passionate beekeeper's trailer. LOL. Finally he cums on her face in a very watery fashion.

Wtf is with all this watery cum? Gah!

She swallows it - and says it "tastes like honey". *headdesk*

JESSIE PALMER

The worst plumber ever ends up doin' the girl who was berating him moments ago. She mentions he has nice muscles, and moments later, his cock is in her mouth. Oh, if it were that easy.

His cock is also gargantuan, so it's hard to say how much I should fault her. She does manage to get about halfway down, which is impressive. Again, she does not look barely legal. Really, it's that hard to find actual barely legal chicks?

Also, I don't think putting a tongue on a clit and shaking your head
around actually does anything.

Some seriously uncomfortable positions follow, and she's pale and bony,
which doesn't add much for me. Sex on the kitchen counter, and yeah,
it's OK. He cums in her mouth and it's nice and thick, but it's only one
squirt, and she spits it out.

Special features

Chapter selection, "Select a star" which breaks down each star's scene into parts, trailers and a "behind the scenes" where the girls seemed much happier, friendlier and sexier just chatting than they did when "acting" in their scenes. BOO.

Wrap-Up

The hits: Michelle and Hallie are cute, and so is Dane.

The misses: The watery cum, the stupid set-ups and even more stupid one-liners, the fact that none of them look "barely legal" at all and the fact that the entire movie is just one big exercise in boredom.

Final grade: C+

Not horrible, just terminally boring.