GENRE: Straight Compilation
DIRECTORS: Andre Madness
STARS: Jayna Oso, Kaylynn, Jennifer Luv, Jenaveve Jolie, Lola, Stephen St. Croix, Lee Stone, Alex Rox, Jerry, Marco Duato, Seth Dickens
DATES OF PRODUCTION: 2004
LENGTH: 134 mins with bonus material

Though it may seem hard to believe, even porn films fail. No, not in the knob and naughty bits department. Proclivity and fetish are a 'to each his own' kind of concept and as long as you're showing some kind of hardcore histrionics, someone is going to get his or her groin off. Instead, this discussion is about the big time narrative belly flops, situations in which potential pictures are thwarted and trounced by unforeseen production and/or personal problems. You know, the Hudson Hawk, Last Action Hero, Heaven's Gate ideal of full-out failure. Now, it's not as obvious in the XXX arena. When we pick up a scene compilation, we never know if it's a lewd leftover from a failed feature. Certainly, most clip fests are far removed from such narrative nuances. They're just guys groping gals in preparation for pork pounding. But when it comes to a disc like Malibu's Most Latin, the flub is fairly obvious. After watching the entire DVD, we learn that this five scene sampler was actually a fully scripted story about a couple of Latino babes turning a vacant mansion into pussy party central. The sexual vignettes were meant to accentuate, not take the place of, the simple storyline. But a funny thing happened on the way to the transfer. Malibu's Most Latin went from comedy to compendium, from a chance to see some fiery fiesta females get their wit on to just another collection of carnal chaos. Not that it's bad, mind you. Malibu's Most Latin is a very good little crotch rocker. But one can't help but feel we're seeing merely part of the pandering. Crappy or not, it would have been fun to see the actual film. At least then we could judge for ourselves how substandard it really was.

The DVD:
There was supposed to be a story here. The DVD covers even clues us in:

A comedic story of two young girls that break into a Malibu mansion, lending way to five tales of sex, each one funnier than the other.

Okay, the Dirge will have to take your word for it. Indeed Malibu's Most Latin, as it is presented, has absolutely no plot whatsoever. It is a scene compilation, clear and simple. It uses a rather unique ideal to set up each segment (there is a title card featuring a line of dialogue before each bonking begins) and within the individual elements, the characters share some casual conversation. But five divergent discussions do not make a movie, and when we get to the bonus material on the disc, we begin to understand the situation. As stated before, Malibu's Most Latin appears to be a botched production, an attempt at a comedy that crashed and burned. The Behind the Scenes featurette shows director Andre Madness setting up shots, directing dialogue and explaining scene context to the performers. We even witness a couple of missing sequences (the girls all sit around the living room, gabbing away. Some of the same honeys discuss the morality of illegally using the home). There is no indication why the narrative was scuttled, or why other material wasn't crafted to complete the movie. Instead, we get the sense that a salvage mentality was at play (i.e. put the sex out on disc and fuck the rest) when this pentalogy of pussy was created. Individually, the scenes vary in tone and tool. Some have more dialogue than others, while a few are just straight up sex. Let's begin with:

Scene 1: Jayna Oso, Jerry, Marco Duato
Title: A Couple of Things Just Came Up
Set Up: Instead of visiting her friend, Jayna stays home and fucks two guys.

Threesomes in porn should be defined by their participants. Two girls and a guy could be called "Cunts in Control", since one dude must service two snatches simultaneously. Two guys and a gal could carry the moniker "Miscellaneous Meat Bagging", since everything revolves around dick being deposited in the proper penchant places. No matter what you name it, it's hard to follow the flow of such circumstances. Cock crams into ass and fuzzbox, positions are plowed through like the lower 40 before a harvest festival and there is usually so much V/A to M that actresses get swollen soft pallets from all the shaft snacking.

Yet fuck fans seem to love the two mules for sister slut scenario and the combination of Jayna, Jerry and Marco makes an interest dong dynamic. Both men use Ms. Oso like a toy, piercing and jabbing her at random. The only new or novel element among the same old sequences of double blowjobs, doggy and cowgirls is the two tools in twat take on sharking. Toward the end, after all the V to M and rough ramming, Jerry and Marco make a stiffee sandwich and work both their wangs into Ms. Oso's love canal. The results are as quasi-queer as it sounds. After endlessly bucking their bronco, both men unload on Jayna's face and mouth. But oddly enough, the money moment is cut. We move away for a few moments as the seed starts to flow, as if the ball blow was not up to the director's liking. When we return to the spunk spurting, the facets seem familiar, and yet somehow different. This is not to say that Jerry and Marco failed to deliver the dork drippings. But maybe they needed a little lag time to produce the final pud pudding.

Part of the problem with this scene is the physical attributes of the three performers. Marco may be cut and stud-muffiny, but he chews his bottom lip like he's trying to define a gerund in the final roundup of a high school grammar rodeo. This man's bottom jaw just can't stop shifting. Jerry, on the other hand, seems a few Cialis prescriptions away from pure porn goodness. His cock is so soft most of the time that you wonder if its not made of marzipan. Then there is Jayna. Poor little Latin lass, she is so flat-chested that gravity smiles just a little whenever she takes off her top. As for the sex itself, only the twin tool timing is unusual. Everything else is the same old boys/babe bullspit. Anytime Jayne gets one of her lower openings explored, you can be sure that a penis is not far from her mouth. Score: 5 out of 10.

Scene 2: Kaylynn, Alex Rox
Title: "I'm Not Gay!"
Set Up: Kaylynn demands Alex prove that his "Hector" comment is not a sign of latent homosexuality.

Alex has a fresh off the boat bohemian quality that matches up quite well with Kaylynn's West Coast girlieness. The result is a scene that looks great, but more or less underwhelms with its wantonness. After their minor exchange of words ("You're GAY!" "NO, I'm NOT!") the couple get to kissing and touching. Kay clamps on Mr. Rox's cock and she spends an inordinate amount of time on the head of his tool. Alex repays the flesh favor with some snatch savoring. The duo then drills in the straight and doggy vaginal designs before making their way to the wild, wild west. After some reverse cowgirling, Al removes his rod and blows his Eurotrash trail mix all over Kaylynn's crapper.

There are a lot of edits here, almost too many. And there can be several reasons for such consistent snipping – artistry, aesthetics, cinematic ineptitude. But if you know anything about hardcore, you recognize the tell tale signs of cockmanship issues when you see them. Alex must have had control issues throughout the making of this scene. One position is practiced, and then suddenly, we jump cut to another angle. Bang, before we get our own personal 'groove' on, we're moving to yet another set up. Aside from the man meat managerial moments, the overall copulation is straightforward and fairly sexy. Alex and Kay do make a nice pair and the overall heat they generate really solidifies the scene. Score: 6 out of 10.

Scene 3: Jennifer Luv, Lee Stone
Title: It's a Spanish Thing
Set Up: A cop interrogates a house sitter with more than a nightstick.

Jen seems barely coherent as she answers the door. Waiting there is steroided stud Lee Stone. After an awkward exchange of lines – leading to the title of the installment – Luv makes a move and Stoney responds stiffly, if you catch the Dirge's drift. Before you know it, the mountain of muscle is manhandling Jenny like a slab of steak during a training session. He sucks on her tits and munches on her mons with weightlifting proficiency. After Jennifer puffs on his peter, Stoney picks up the waif-like woman and works her into the standing 69 position. Following the oral option, they immediately move into vertical cowgirl. There is more on-foot fun before the couple collapses onto the couch, cock still in cunt connection. Jennifer moves, taking a little V to M diversion, and continues on to reverse cowgirl country. There, she rides Mr. Stone like the beefy baloney pony he is. Finally, Lee lingers in the honey hole, straight style, until he's ready to ripen. Jennifer demands he gel her insides and a healthy pussy cream pie is the result.

Lee and Jennifer make a terrific couple. He looks like a human homunculus and she glides along like a lithe gazelle. The result is a nice dicking dichotomy that works as both visual and visceral stimulation. Jenny can't act worth a shit, and Mr. Stone ain't much of a thespian himself. Thank god this duo can fuck, because otherwise this scene would be a disappointment is all of its attributes. As it is, it's one of the best on the disc. Score: 7 out of 10

Scene 4: Jenaveve Jolie, Stephen St. Croix
Title: Hi, I'm Serg.
Set Up: A seemingly gay masseuse gives Jenaveve the 'big rub'.

Speaking of acting, Stephen St. Croix is a scream in this sequence, playing an 'is he or isn't he' gay masseuse with lots of light-loafered energy. Aside from the sex, which is also stellar, Stephen offers up some genuine laughs with his witty repartee (an Orlando Bloom gag is very, very funny). Starting off with a simple massage, St. Croix works the vivacious Ms. Jolie into quite the lather with his manly muscle relaxing. Good thing his own third ligament is strong and steady because once the pounding begins, there is no stopping these two. They kiss and cuddle, fondle and finger. Stephen enjoys a pussy aperitif, while Jenaveve just lies back, loving it. Salad is tossed and pole arrives at port. Wiener then works womb in the reverse cowgirl and spoon stages. Jen even slurps on shaft in that newest dimension in hardcore happenings, V to M. After blowing Steve six ways to Slappytown, Ms. Jolie asks for some inside oiling. Reinserting his shaft in the straight mish manner, St. Croix bravely bones until he blows his sausage sauce deep inside Jenaveve's girded loins. The dripping cream pie is offered up to the camera.

Perhaps it's because he's such a great performer, or maybe it has something to do with the passionate vibe given off between Ms. Jolie and her joking paramour, but this scene rivals Scene 3 for best in the set. While some may accuse Mr. St. Croix of a borderline offensive stereotype, it's all in good fun fucking. This is smut after all, not some mainstream comedy. Score: 7 out of 10

Scene 5: Lola, Jennifer Luv, Seth Dickens
Title: Pirate Pizza
Set Up: It's the delivery boy gets lucky line as Seth shimmies with Lola and Jen.

Without money to pay for their pie, guess how Lola and Jennifer compensate Mr. Dickens. You've got it, and so does he, as both honeys horn in on his hog with wild abandon. There is some tit play as each lady lunches on log until they can no longer take the tool. Thanks to our previous dissertation on threesomes, it's "Cunts in Control" time as Seth services one gal after the other. There is reverse cowgirl with complimentary Connie to the babe not bloated with boner. V to M is plentiful, as is ball sucking and salad tossing. We even get some taint work and a little face sitting. After several sex position parameters are explored – reverse cowgirl, straight mixed mish (cock traveling systematically between both beavers) and a brief bit of minor pile driving – our food service professional is ready to make another delivery. And this time, it's piping hot and straight from the carnal kitchen. Jennifer takes the mouthful and graciously snowballs the sluice with Lola. Both ladies feel satisfied, while Seth is a sweat-slicked mess. There is a lot of heat here with some very horny interplay between the threesome in this sequence. Mr. Dickens seems a tad out of his league, able to lunge with the best of them, but running out of steam toward the end. Otherwise, this is another example of Malibu's Most Latin anarchic, appealing hardcore. It ends the disc on a high point. Score: 6 out of 10.

Since most adult films, even the serious straight features, are 80% porking and 20% exposition, one wonders what went wrong to require director Madness to drop the linking narrative. Were the ladies such lousy actors that the entire enterprise was scrapped outright? Or did Mr. Mad decide to drop the dialogue after excessive sessions in the cutting room, trying to get his film to flow? We'll never know, but it's really not that important. Malibu's Most Latin is a very good scene compilation as it is, featuring sure fire fucking in an atmosphere of passion and playfulness. Nothing here is too aggressive or overly odd. Fetish is kept to a minimum and the gals are, for the most part, very good looking (Ms. Oso's plywood pecs aside). Madness is a decent director, using some very inventive framing choices to keep the personal dynamic front and center. Sure, some of the technical elements are a little substandard (the whiting out of indoor/outdoor shots in the Stone/Luv cop crap is a eye-straining visual violation) and we are witnessing something cobbled together out of decidedly divergent facets. But somehow, it all still manages to motivate the meat. Hardcore has had its fair share of shoddy offerings. For every great gonzo production, there are dozens that fail to deliver decent dong dropping. Malibu's Most Latin may be a failed project in the canon of Andre Madness's auteurship. But it still contains some smoking hot sex, and that's all that matters, right? Right.

The Video:
Aside from the aforementioned video problems in the Stone/Luv hook-up, the overall image issues within Malibu's Most Latin are fairly limited. The color correction is spot on, and the contrasts are controlled nicely. While there is not much aesthetic magic in the 1.33:1 full screen transfer, this is one camcorder production that looks professional and presentable.

The Audio:
When it's there, the use of spicy samba style music is well represented in Malibu's Most Latin's proficient Dolby Digital Stereo soundscape. The voices and noises are also captured with clarity and completeness. We never miss a moment of the mostly mindless dialogue or a single shout to God for his groin gratifying glory.

The Extras:
Interspersed among the trailers, bloopers (not as funny as you'd think) slide show (read photo gallery) and web links, there are two fairly interesting extras offered as part of the DVD package. One is a bonus scene between Jennifer Luv and Lola. It's your standard lesbian love-in, with lots of kissing, cuddling, pussy eating and finger follies. The extreme close-up concept toward the carnality can sometimes make you feel like an underpaid gynecologist, but the Sappho sizzles, if only a little, making this scene worth about 4.5 out of 10. Better by far is the featurette entitled Steve Austin's The Nastier Side. Consisting of four girls from the cast giving themselves the faux-phallus workout, there is a lot of Divinyl's delight in this bonus. Jennifer Luv, Jenaveve Jolie, Jayna Oso and Lola all latch onto their own loins with fierce fingering and expert toy troweling. Of the quartet, Lola is the only one who sprays the camera with a healthy heaping of cunt cream. Her squirting makes this masturbation montage a nice, naughty addition to the disc.

Final Thoughts:

Somewhere in the weird, wacky mind of Andre Madness was a comedy about a couple of Latin lovelies who break into a mansion and make it their own super swanky sex palace. It's not too hard to imagine a frilly, fluffy bit of buffoonery matched by impeccable, unpredictable fuck and suck. In the end, however, all we got was the mandatory hardcore happenings sans narrative. Malibu's Most Latin is a very good compilation, but its not what the director intended. Even with some of its storyline intact, and a few very funny performances, this is only a "movie" in adult industry terms. Overall, this film earns a presentable 6 out of 10 and is recommended. Couples will dig all the passion within the porking, therefore, a Cohabitation Certification is warranted and granted. The Hispanic honey market is loaded up with dozens of variations on the tiny titted theme. And more times than not, the sexuality is more demonstrative and dominating, than calm and communal. Malibu's Most Latin contains the best of both worlds. While we may never witness Andre Madness's ultimate vision for this project, we can still wallow in the wickedness proffered by the performers he picked. About as far from a flop as you can get, this salvaged scene compilation just goes to show you that, as long as the fucking is favorable, porn can be made out of almost anything.