First Impressions:
Imagine taking the worst elements of the straight XXX feature (i.e. the horrid dialogue and craptacular acting) and the best bits of gonzo (read: red hot fucking) and you've got a pretty good idea of the uneven dynamic inherent in the otherwise commendable Love Hurts. Directed - and more importantly, written - by porn princess Heidi Joy Pike, this conversation heavy carnality wants to bore us with meandering interpersonal dust ups followed by elongated sequences of boner to bush ballistics. It's a semi-intriguing idea, especially when you realize that Pike is playing at illustrating real life couple quandaries with her pre-poon tableaus. Sadly, her cast is as competent as high-centered crabs - at least in the thespian department. Their line readings are routinely ridiculous and their attempted emotional outbursts blunted by frequent attempts to keep from laughing. It's clear that no one is taking this back and forth seriously. It's too bad that Pike does.

The Sex Scenes:
Another thing this filmmaker takes sincerely is sex. The scenes here are uniformly good, with a few offering some standout material. Now, it has to be said that many of the women are rather hard on the eyes. Either their make-up is so misguided they look like hobo-level meth addicts, or, in other instances, bad body art destroys the overall atmosphere of arousal (a doctor could make a mint fixing failed examples of ink-based "self expression"). The men only make matters worse. Anyone familiar with Van Damage's vitiligo appendage or Hershel Savage's mid '70s sausage will understand their limited libido appeal, especially when paired with potential pussy. Still, Pike manages to overcome many of these dick deflators to really pour on the pumping. This is a frequently hot and horny hump fest that should satisfy your baser carnal cravings.

Scene 1: Tyla Wynn, Jack Lawrence
Acts Performed: Masturbation, Tit Sucking, Oiling, Cunnilingus, Fingering, V to M, Salad Tossing, Paddle Play, Blowjob, 69, Ball Sucking, Mish, Pile Driver, Spoon, Doggy, Panty Fucking, Squirting, $hot on Vagina and Stomach
Score: 3 out of 5
Ms. Wynn should sue whoever came up with the idea that she dress like a refugee from a condemned crackhouse. Dirty white t-shirt covering a mottled body, hair disheveled and face caked in raccoon level eye accessorizing, she's like that dirty, disgusting hitchhiker who drivers steer clear of on long cross country treks. Luckily, her fuck and suck mileage really helps the scene. Her meat man Jack may be a little overly aggressive at times (why stick shredded panties in a woman's pussy, dude?) and yet there is a connection between the couple that is more than palpable. It makes for an intense scene.

Scene 2: Angel Eyes, Lee Bang
Acts Performed: Cunnilingus, Blowjob, Mish, V to M, Ball Sucking, Doggy, Cowgirl, Spoon, $hot on Ass
Score: 2 out of 5
In a clear case where the yakking fucks up the packing, Angel and Lee go on for nearly eight minutes, beating to death the subject of her meeting his friends and family, before they finally stop gabbing and get down. Even then, the action is very lax and rather limited. As you can see, only three main positions are explored before our stud spills log liquid all over his babe's booty. Perhaps even more disconcerting, Ms. Eyes has only one main facial expression - call it the "Cupie Pout" - and even when she's being plowed, her mug maintains its "aren't I sizzling" stiffness.

Scene 3: Naomi Cruise, Otto Bauer
Acts Performed: Blowjob, Deep Throating, Mish, Reverse Cowgirl, Added Toy Action, V to M, Spoon, Vibrator Fu, Cowgirl, Doggy, Pile Driver, $hot in Mouth
Score: 2.5 out of 5
Granted, Naomi can't act to save her ass. True, Otto keeps himself from laughing several times in the scene. As a matter of fact, we grow quite fed up with this "I'm tired/I'm horny" hollerin'. Luckily, both performers know their nookie, and the slightly forceful action makes for some rather friendly fire. On the downside, Ms. Cruise seems to care little for Bauer's beefiness. One gets the distinction that she'd never pick this meat puppet out of a smut lineup. He may be serving her needs, but she's a distant diddle.

Scene 4: Lexi Love, Van Damage
Acts Performed: Glass Butt Plug Play, Ass Play, Blowjob, Anal Doggy, Anal Reverse Cowgirl, A to M, Anal Cowgirl, Gaping, Squirting, Anal Mish, $hot on Tits
Score: 3 out of 5
Beginning with a piece of glass in the ass and staying in the shitter the rest of the way, this is one steamy behind bonanza. Van may have that wonky wiener, but as long as it's buried deep in Lexi's dumper, we couldn't care less. Even better, Ms. Love seems to care a lot. She gives great risqué response, and even shoots us some she soup to prove her passion. Along with the opening Tyla tapping, this is the best balling of the entire DVD.

Scene 5: Savannah Stern, Hershel Savage
Acts Performed: Cunnilingus, Blowjob, 69 Mish, Doggy, Reverse Cowgirl, V to M, Spoon, $hot on Tits
Score: 2 out of 5
Like watching grandpa pork his teenage relative, Savage is a surreal sex partner. He may have the goods, but his skin is starting to match the matt of gray hair on his head. Besides, Savannah is so slight that you're afraid the chunky pudknocker will break her in half. And then to top it all off, there's a real lack of positions. We need more than a few unexceptional cock in cunt moments to save the day. Instead, we see our dick driver panting for air, and a companion who couldn't care if he cums. Talk about a snoozer.

Disco Dirge Peter Meter Rating: 3 out of 5 (Recommended)
Cohabitation Certification: Granted
Here's a bit of advice for Ms. Pike - next time, leave out the talking and amplify the erotica. Had we not had to listen to all this made-up interpersonal twaddle, the fuck and suck would have been excellent. Still, thanks to the terrific bonus scene and the overall level of lewdness, Love Hurts earns an easy Recommended rating. It contains some of the hottest humping you'll see in a sex film this year. It also contains some very mediocre material as well. Luckily, it all balances out, becoming something that couples can easily embrace. The cover art for this DVD offers the following proverbial copy - "Bad Fights. Happy Endings." Frankly, this title didn't need the arguments to offset its pork. After all, last time anyone checked, the XXX rating is earned for penetration, not conversation.