The Movie:

This one from 1971 finds very young looking John Holmes playing a private detective named Nickey Butane – he's a PI who can out fuck anyone in Hollywood and his opening narration tells us that he's the best in the business. He's got two men that work with him, one of whom is named Thunderballs, who tends to mumble a lot, the other of whom is a brown haired guy named James Blonde who refuses to fuck any blonde women because they have 'pussies like sandpaper.' At any rate, Nicky and his pals fuck womeon – that's really all you need to know about them. Here's (sort of) what happens…

Chapter 1 – John Holmes And A Brunette (Vagina Bountiful): These two are hanging out in a boat and she's sucking on his cock. She's going at it pretty slowly, but they seem to be having a good time. He lubes up his wang with some Vaseline and slips it into her box and starts fucking her missionary style. The camera offers a pretty solid close up of him working his schlong into her pussy, using his hand to manipulate around in circles. The opening narration over top buries most of the sound but towards the end of the scene you can hear them grunting and groaning. John flips her over and starts fucking her while she's down on all fours, and we get an idea of just how hairy this girl is (it doesn't take away from the fact that she's a decent looking girl, it's just a sign of the times). The narration stops and he's still fucking her from behind, but not for much longer as he pulls out and shoots all over the backside of her pussy (though the cum is so white that it looks fake, almost like mayonnaise or something!). They kiss and end the scene and you can hear her moaning but her mouth isn't moving. Attention to detail isn't a strong point in this film.

Chapter 2 – Mark Little, and a different brunette: Mark starts this scene off by asking her if she likes ice cream. She answers yes and so he lowers her head to his crotch so that she can give him head. This scene cuts back and forth with the third one. They strip and he sucks on her tits for a bit, while she gives him a handjob then some more head (he's still limp but not for long). She blows him quite nicely, and then he lies her down and fucks her missionary style. He moved her onto her side and the disc locked up here as an inordinate amount of Cabellero discs tend to do.

Chapter 3 – John Holmes, Vagina Bountiful And Another Brunette: John's naked on the couch in his boat when this scene starts. The girl undress and brunette #2 goes down on him while he kisses Ms. Bountiful. The girls take turn sucking John's cock until he's good and hard, but again, because the disc locked up this reviewer has no idea how the scene ends. Nice!

Chapter 4 – : Chapter four wouldn't play – it simply locked up the disc on three different players and two different DVD-Roms, indicating that there's likely an authoring fault here or the disc sent for review is faulty.

Chapter 5 – : Chapter five wouldn't play – it too simply locked up the disc on three different players and two different DVD-Roms, indicating that there's likely an authoring fault here or the disc sent for review is faulty.

It's a damn shame that there were so many technical playback issues with the review copy of this disc, as it looked like the movie could have been a lot of fun. Funky fashions, completely so-bad-it's-good narration from the infamous Wonderland boy himself and what may or may not have been some decent sex on the horizon.

The DVD

Video:

The movie is presented fullframe and if one had to guess, it's probably a safe assumption that it was shot this way as the compositions look pretty decent and most porno from the same area is shown 1.33.1. Unfortunately the image is really soft and lacks almost any fine detail whatsoever. The colors don't bleed at all which is nice but they are very flat looking and the picture lacks any real definition. If you're used to the rather lackluster presentations that most older porn films have received on DVD thus far you'll be alright with the image as it's on par with most of those discs but don't go into this one expecting it to look it was just made. This is an average quality transfer of an early seventies porno (which unfortunately means it's not so hot).

Sound:

The English language Dolby Digital Mono track isn't half bad for an old porno. The narration is perfectly clean and perfectly clear aside from one or two spots where hiss is present in the mix. The background music, some of which will sound awful familiar to those who appreciate the pop music of the decade in which this film was made, is a little heavy at times but for the most part it's okay. There are a couple of spots where the dialogue obviously wasn't recorded properly and as such it's a little low in the mix but other than that, the movie sounds fine.

Extras:

Aside from a menu and chapter selection, the only extra feature on this release is a still gallery made up of roughly two dozen stills from the feature, a web-link, and some phone sex ads. The cover advertises an exclusive never before seen John Holmes interview right on the front of the cover, but that interview was nowhere to be found on this release.

Final Thoughts:

The portions of My Tongue Is Quick that worked on the DVD were pretty enjoyable early seventies smut. Holmes is in fine form here, able to get a real erection, before he became the limp-dicked drug fiend that he was later on in his career. Sadly, authoring issues on the DVD itself lead to some serious playback issues, something that this reviewer has found to be common with Caballero product. That, coupled with the fact that the highly touted John Holmes interview is nowhere to be found on this disc earns My Tongue Is Quick a big fat SKIP IT rating. If a functional copy of the disc is made available for review, this piece will be amended accordingly.