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MacGyver XXX: A Dreamzone Parody

Dreamzone Entertainment

Genre: Parody

Director/Writer/Producer: Van Anderson (Ralph Long)

Cast: Jayden Lee, Richie Calhoun, Ella Milano, Earl Slate, Sabrina Taylor, James Bartholet, Sasha Sweet

Length: 111:41 minutes

Date of Production: 6/23/2012

Extras: All the extras were included on the second disc, the 54:23 minute long Behind the Scenes feature was the primary (and best for me) extra here. The emphasis was on the ladies with the camera following them around as well as capturing them masturbating or expounding on questions asked of them, very little about the movie or source material discussed (it did not seem as though the ladies ever watched the show apparently). This was followed by three non-explicit sex versions of company flicks, MacGyver XXX, the Godfather XXX, and the Honeymoaners XXX all lasting a total of 43:16 minutes. There was then a 9:30 minute long photogallery/slideshow, four trailers, and various spam like phone sex, toy and movie ads (Tom Byron was hilarious as the “Crazy Eddie” sex store salesman in one of them). Included in the package, and I’m not sure if this will be in the final product or was just media swag, was a small package containing a cheap swiss-styled army knife, a rubber band, a paperclip, and a wire.

Condoms: None

Audio/Video Quality: MacGyver XXX was presented in widescreen color as shot by director Van Anderson (Ralph Long) for Dreamzone Entertainment. The cameras were manned by Ralph and Mike Powers, the editing by Dawg Prescott, and sound by Aveda Krumpit, the entire production shot on a handful of sets with some local stock footage (though the movie was billed to be in Hong Kong per the opening credits as a spoof). While I haven’t seen all the parodies released by the company in the past year or so, they have had their share of successes as well as their share of lesser flicks, the production values on this one making it crystal clear they were trying to goof on the subject matter rather than “adapt it” so in that sense, I’m sure this one will be safe from lawsuits (unlike a competitor’s title). The lighting was flat and the editing a bit jumpy, little attempt to mimic the technical aspects of the mainstream television series from over 20 years ago. The aural components were not much better handles either, the vocals general clear and the score close enough to the theme of the original but so repetitive that it grew old quickly.

Body of Review: Van Anderson is the directing name for performer Ralph Long, the affable chap currently making movies for Dreamzone Entertainment. His latest is called MacGyver XXX, a parody or spoof of the popular Richard Dean Anderson series from the mid 80’s to early 90’s (some of you may be more familiar with him as one of the lead characters in the various Stargate SG-1 series). In the original series, Anderson played a scientific renaissance man who hated guns but made up for it with his quick mind and varied skills, making his role as a pseudo government agent all the more difficult. For the record, I was a big fan of the show’s first several years so my perspective might be different from that of a casual observer; my apprehension regarding how this parody would tackle the subject matter considerable.

Leading the cast as the titular character was capable Richie Calhoun, his proven track record over the last year earning him considerable nods in feature or vignette roles in porn. Sporting a bizarre wig, he portrayed the character as written, more of a goof (like the SNL skit-turned-movie MacGruber and many others) than a straight take on things. That said, the sex consumed virtually all of the running time, a non-explicit version included on the extras disc. Forget the plotted elements altogether, forget that James Bartholet had an actual sex scene, and forget that the production was shot in record time on a budget so low that even the fake pop shot(s) were over the top; the movie was just as cheesy as could be. Whether you enjoy that kind of thing or prefer the bigger budget parodies is a judgment call for you to make but if as much creativity was used on the movie as on the front cover, this would have been a shoe in for future award shows.

The company press release put it like this: “DreamZone Entertainment has set a mid-January release for their next blockbuster feature-length parody, ‘MacGyver XXX: A DreamZone Parody’. The porn satire of the hugely successful television series is written and directed by Van Anderson, and stars Richie Calhoun in the title role. ‘MacGyver’ ran on ABC for seven years, from 1985-1992, and starred Richard Dean Anderson as a secret U.S. government agent, who opted to use everyday objects rather than firearms to complete dangerous missions. The show developed a cult-like following with rabid fans who speculated about the various “jury rigged” solutions that the show’s star invented to extricate himself from peril. No matter what situation he faced, Macgyver always defeated his adversaries with his cunning, crafty skills and whatever materials were on hand. Such constructions became referred to as “MacGyverisms”, a term coined in the late-80s that has become a staple of Pop Culture lingo. In 2007 ‘Saturday Night Live’ created a sketch entitled ‘MacGruber’ that exemplifies the show’s influence on the “MTV Generation”. Richard Dean Anderson reprised his role as “MacGyver” in September of this year in a series of new shorts, created by Mercedes-Benz for the launch of their new MPV Citan vehicle, and New Line Cinema is in development to relaunch the character in a theatrical feature for 2014. ‘MacGyver XXX: A DreamZone Parody’ picks up where the iconic TV show left off and finds Richie Calhoun as the film’s namesake character, battling a criminal mastermind Hell-bent on world domination. When MacGyver’s girl Friday and ex-girlfriend are kidnapped by the nefarious evil-doer, MacGyver must spring into action, utilizing tools as diverse as a rubber-fisted dildo, a condom and a potato chip can to save the damsels in distress and the world-at-large. Joining Calhoun in the “Collector’s Edition” 2-disc set are Ella Milano, Jayden Lee, Sabrina Taylor, Sasha Sweet, Earl Slate and non-sex character-actor James Bartholet. The project is being helmed by Van Anderson who handles both writing and directing chores. Van Anderson is also working on DreamZone’s parody of the Pamela Anderson comic book and movie character ‘Barb Wire’, set for release mid-2013. “We’re really excited about doing a ‘MacGyver XXX’ parody; this one is going to be a lot of fun. It has loads of action, sex, adventure and sex,” stated Adam Hasner, VP of DreamZone Entertainment. “The original TV show still has tons of followers and a strong brand-name. With all of the crazy scenarios that MacGyver finds himself in, the show lends itself to some great satire and sex scenes. The script is fantastic, and with Van Anderson directing an outstanding cast, we’re expecting to ‘MacGyver XXX: A DreamZone Parody’ to kick off 2013 with a bang!” Hasner added.” Here’s a brief look at the scenes by cast and action, noting that no condoms were used for those still interested:

Scene One: Jayden Lee, a sexy Asian babe, was up first in bed with Richie Calhoun, no tease or build up included to set the tone or mood. He was sucking her boobs and kissing her while leaning over her on the cheap bed. He gobbled her gash and fingered her well enough so she slobbed his knob seductively, leaving her garter and stockings on as she bent over to take his bone as her own. Like the other scenes, this was vaginal and oral only, Jayden perhaps the best of the batch thanks to her eye contact and at least acting as though she was having fun, her erect nipples and throaty moans adding to the fun. There is something about seeing her perfect heart shaped ass bent over and her all natural body going at it that excites even a jaded old porn hound like myself, the performance not her best but certainly strokable regardless of the lack of tie in to the movie (short of her mentioning his name a time or two). She was an active vaginal rider and it ended with the smallest pop shot of genetic juice I recall seeing in a very long time, an exaggerated fake blast of semen included for laughs reminding me that some companies routinely try this approach for real (here, it was clearly making fun of things, not intended to be considered real).

Scene Two: Ella Milano, the sexy little babe featured on the front cover, was up next on another bed in a cheap set as Penny, MacGyver’s oft-used damsel in distress (looking nothing like Teri Hatcher by the way). She was led by villain Earl “Murdoc” Slate to consummate their deal, the gal wrapping her lips around his pecker to satisfy his needs lest he finish off her friend. Her oral skills were okay but not exactly enthusiastic, even Earl mentioning it as she was told to step it up a notch. She concentrated mainly on his head while her hand jerked him off, her eye contact spotty and energy levels questionable. They moved into a 69 position but despite the use of a second camera at times in the movie, her ass was not shown in his face as such during this part of the tryst. Her main contribution to the vaginal portion of the penetration positions was to provide the passive pussy, Earl pumping away at her even when she was on top of him (she did provide a steady, repetitive, series of moans though). The heavy handed editing and poor lighting was especially noticeable here, the glare of the lights nearly blinding the performers and the jumps on edits standing out as rushed. The ending wad of population pudding tossed off onto Ella’s ass was again minimal.

Scene Three: Sabrina Taylor, a fetching little Latina with an all natural body and a small number of scenes under her belt, was up next with James “Pete Thornton” Bartholet, the man looking more like his mainstream counterpart than any of the others. Sabrina slowly stripped for him in the makeshift office, her pleasing little ass her best feature when she bent over. I won’t fuss about her saggy breasts or paunch ridden stomach given who she was working with (the impression of a tryst tied to monetary compensation certainly came to mind) but she had a face well worth fucking. Sabrina easily handled his modest rod orally, sucking him off before he climbed all over her tiny frame, James going down on her shaven slit briefly before she had to orally revive him for a few penetrative positions. She took it in cowgirl with a slight bounce, her facial expressions during the doggy likely to be revisited some day when she rethinks her career choices. I liked her butt bouncing and her taste testing though, the ending round of spunk tossed off to her tits with some minor plotted interruptions.

Scene Four: Sasha Sweet, a brunette with a love of the ladies, was up last in a lesbian tryst with Ella Milano on a ottoman of sorts, the plotted elements so weakly tying things up that it seemed particularly fitting to close the sexual portion of the movie out with a lesbian act. The ladies were initially tied together but freed so they could go down on each other. Sasha sported a trimmed pubic patch and allowed Ella to eat at the Y first, the two climbing into another 69 where a second camera would have helped showcase both of them instead of just one. This soon led to them mutually masturbating each other while seated side by side, the fake moaning bad enough to merit additional consideration for a “cheesiest movie of the year” award were one to exist. No toys were used despite a bucket of them available and there was just as little chemistry as the other scenes, the strokability minimal compared to the first two scenes of the movie.

Summary: MacGyver XXX: A Dreamzone Parody by director Van “Ralph Long” Anderson for Dreamzone Entertainment could not be mistaken for an adult adaptation of the mainstream television series given the lack of so many easily included elements available (no voiceovers explaining what scientific principles were being used to work the magic, few establishing shots, the very familiar camera and sound aspects, or the set up portion of the scenes, as examples) but as a cheese ball comic spoof of the material, it had some appeal as long as the audience takes precautions and goes into it with a large bottle of something to drink or large quantity of smoke to appreciate. As such, I rated it as a Rent It, a rating most of the porn viewing audience can appreciate these days (most people rent or watch stuff online nowadays). My favorite hotty was Jayden Lee though all of the ladies were fuckable to a degree. In short, MacGyver XXX was a double disc parody of a popular mainstream television show from decades ago, owing at least as much to a short Saturday Night Live skit as the primary source material itself, coming out next year. I really like parodies and found it lacking much of the time but your mileage may vary if you appreciate the ladies in the cast, the crew not optimizing their looks nearly as much as is usually the case so consider checking it out if you want to see what the hype is all about.