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Millionaire Matchmaker XXX: A Hardcore Parody

Mile High Distribution/Hardcore Parody

Genre: Parody

Director: Ashlynn Brooke

Cast: India Summer, Jaelyn Fox, Chad Alva, Tanya Tate, Herschel Savage, Sindee Jennings, Dane Cross, Brooke Banner

Length: 149:32 minutes

India Summer and Jaelyn Fox

Dates of Production: 7/26/2010, 7/27/2010

Extras: There was a slip case, a short photogallery, and a pop shot recap but that was all.

Condoms: None

Tanya Tate

Audio/Video Quality: Millionaire Matchmaker XXX was presented in the 1.78:1 ratio anamorphic widescreen color it was shot in by director Ashlynn Brooke for Mile High Distribution. It was released in the standard definition MPEG2 codec, the video bitrate hovering on the high end around the 5.7 Mbps area when spot checked but there was grain, were some compression artifacts, and the composition of camera angles left much to be desired in the story portions; the sexual trysts caught a little better (but not by much). If more than one camera was used at a time to shoot the show, I’d be surprised but at least there was no watermark or condoms. The audio was presented in the 2.0 Dolby Digital English most gonzo is shot with, no boom microphones getting in the way of enhancing the sound quality, minimal separation of channels, and limited dynamic range. The vocals could be heard fairly well (still kind of hollow though) but there was also no attempt to emulate the original score of the television show that I could tell, the cheesy show foisted upon me a single time by a girlfriend thinking it would “give me ideas”, hence my moving along just to prove her right.

Sindee Jennings

Body of Review: Ashlynn Brooke is an attractive blond performer that has just now been trying to break through into directing of late, her deal with Mile High Distribution allowing her some freedom to pursue various projects. The latest of these is called Millionaire Matchmaker XXX: A Hardcore Parody, a porn parody based on a reality television show only the lamest of the lame might enjoy. The premise of the show was a third generation matchmaker who specializes in hooking up rich men with gold digging women, the supposedly amusing parts revolving around just how emotionally crippled both parties are and how poorly they interact. My reason for selecting this one was based strictly on the female cast, including such notables as India Summer, Tanya Tate, and Jaelyn Fox but knowing ahead of time that the males were strictly third or fourth tier mopes certainly meant I was on notice not to expect a whole lot too.

Jaelyn Fox with Dane

The back cover described the movie like this: “The rich and famous might have it all but when they can't find true love they turn to one person. Meet Patti, a 3rd generation matchmaker with an eye for love and a no-bullshit attitude when dealing with these entitled snobs. Patti and her assistants have some basic rules when it comes to matchmaking, no fucking on the first date and do as Patti says or you're out of the Millionaire's Club. In this week's episode Patti has her hands full with Chloe, a Botox-Mogul cougar that only wants young cock and Mark, an internet-tycoon geek that's never seen pussy before in his life. Will Patti be able to find a match for these miserable millionaires or will they end up breaking the rules and get thrown out of the Millionaire's Club.” Here’s a brief look at the scenes by cast and action, noting that no condoms were used for those still interested:

India Summer and Brooke Banner

Scene One: India Summer, the fetching brunette featured on the right side of the front cover, was up first with sexy little Jaelyn Fox and moper Chad Alva in the office. There were some pleasantries exchanged and the trio embraced each other by the desk, some kissing leading to the ladies dropping to their knees to slob his knob. The oral was enthusiastic and continued with the ladies doing each other, the vaginal penetrative positions lacking at times but India clearly in control of the situation. There was more taste testing, handjobs, and lesbian antics but the circle was then complete when the ladies once again knelt before him as he beat off a round of genetic juice to their faces.

Scene Two: Tanya Tate, a curvy blond with a strong accent and fetching curves, was up next with Herschel Savage, this being the first time I’ve seen the old guy in a long time. She had on a shirt about two sizes too small for her with tight blue jeans form fitting, the dialogue on the forced side even before they went into the big bathtub. He relaxed in the water and she smothered his face with her tits, Herschel going down on her before she blew him actively. They banged vaginally but lacked much chemistry, the gal needing a better meat puppet to service her correctly. There was some intermittent oral along the way as well, the guy having wood issues weakening the scene for me (if he is in the room with her and can’t keep it up, something is seriously wrong). The ending wad of spunk went to her breasts, her aural talents helping coax it out while he continually jerked off his tiny load.

Scene Three: Sindee Jennings, a cute gal from Austin Texas, was up next as she tried to make a love connection with finicky Dane Cross, the forced dialogue again striking me as too quickly written and cold read as she pranced around in a red & black dress. His attempts to be effeminate were successful, making it a challenge for Sindee to overcome his objections to her feminine wiles. She massaged him on the bed and started kissing him, inhaling his knob as she looked into the camera, the hand assisted hummer looking pretty solid. The movie locked up for a second during the blowjob but they were soon vaginally banging on the bed in another case of the lady totally outmatching the male. There was some minor rough sex here too, only a wuss would fuss about it but she did have some bruises so she probably liked it anyway. The sweaty duo then finished up with a facial of population pudding, Sindee graciously accepting what little he had to offer.

Scene Four: Jaelyn Fox, the lean little hotty with the facial blemishes from the first scene, was up next with Dane Cross, the man pressuring her to win his favor despite her objections. She wore a black dress and he started pawing her, the look on her face speaking volumes as to how little she wanted to engage in coital activities with him. He continued rubbing her though, moving to her breasts and ass before they kissed, her erect nipples soon poking out as she began breathing heavily. It struck me as an act, the gal never smiling as she then went down on him aggressively, some minor throating and choking replaced by vaginal penetration positions until he rubbed out a small nut of semen onto her leg and thigh.

Scene Five: Brooke Banner, a heavily tattooed blond with nice curves, was up last in a lesbian tryst with hotty India Summer, the office as the setting by the desk. They kissed and caressed one another, playing with their clothing and body parts such as breasts and asses, lots of oral establishing their degree of comfort. They went down on each other like polished professionals and rubbed clits together, some minor oral leading to the final kiss in this mediocre scene.

Summary: Millionaire Matchmaker XXX by director Ashlynn Brooke for Mile High Distribution lacked enough of the feature elements used to make the original show (as poorly conceptualized as it may be) “work”, the sexual trysts always formulaic and generic to the point where I’ve seen far better from everyone involved. Still, there were some moments that I found it was okay as a mid-week rental so I rated it as such with a Rent It, my growing belief that the credited director was no more involved in making this one than I was (no BTS, mediocre technical values). In short, a project such as Millionaire Matchmaker XXX: A Hardcore Parody should have been quite an easy task given the ladies involved in the project and the basic concept so focused on money for sex but it fell far short of the mark, just enough strokable footage to save it from the bottom of the barrel but not by much at all.