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This Ain't Baywatch XXX

Hustler Video

Genre: Parody

Director: Stuart Canterbury

Cast: Lexi Belle, Bill Bailey, Breanne Benson, Alec Knight, Samantha Sin, Jack Lawrence, Angie Savage, Lela Star, Gina Lynn, Otto Bauer
Non-sex roles: Angelita Purrvertina, David Park

Length: 105:33 minutes

Date of Production: 2010

Extras: The extras were the cookie cutter standard, as expected with some trailers, a photogallery, spam, and a short Behind the Scenes feature lasting 16:31 minutes.

Condoms: None

Lexi Belle with Bill Bailey

Audio/Video Quality: This Ain't Baywatch XXX was presented in a fetching 1.78:1 widescreen color by director Stuart Canterbury for Hustler Video using MPEG-2 with the usual 480p resolution. The bitrate hovered around the 5.1 Mbps mark. There were no obvious compression artifacts, no grain to speak of, and I saw no macro-blocking or other issues that pop up; thanks in no small part to the proper lighting applied here in most cases. Even the editing was such that no one would take credit for it, the credits listing "Hustler Video Group" rather than out them but even the story elements were not attributed to anyone so make of it what you will. The summation of the visuals is that they made the show look decent, my biggest complaint being that the composition of the camera angles and editing, while often respectable, did not seem to be the best way to enhance the looks of some of the ladies and/or make them look more like the roles they were playing. The audio was presented in 2.0 Dolby Digital stereo English using a 224 Kbps bitrate at 48 kHz in both versions. The vocals on the scenes were flat and even in most cases, the voice-overs sounding somewhat warmer in tone and always easier to hear, and the minimal music okay, the cute theme song not the best from the company but still appreciated.

Breanne Benson with Alec Knight

Body of Review: Stuart Canterbury has been directing porn for decades now and his latest work is on display at Hustler Video. While I admit his miss to hit ratio is pretty terrible these days, he manages to chug parodies out on the cheap in little time, the likely amount of sales covering costs regardless of the quality of his shows. The most recent of these making it my way is This Ain't Baywatch XXX, a pornified look at a popular television series best known for bad acting, red swimsuits, David Hasselhoff, and Pamela Lee Anderson's jugs bouncing (before she left for bigger things). In terms of copying a series with touches from the original, I'm going to be up front that while the acting was on par with the show, the movie dropped the ball numerous times on simple stuff, the dialogue and story so limited that no one wanted credit for it. As far as the flow of the story elements into the sexual trysts, it also had problems as though the scenes were just tossed in as an aside; nothing outside of generic oral and vaginal encounters (one scene a bland lesbian trysts, for example). Still, while I wanted more out of the show, it should work for anyone that never saw the show and has been at sea without any form of sexual stimulation for months, Gina Lynn always a welcome sight given her established moves. The company website described the movie like this: "Beach rescues never looked or felt this good! Nothing feels better then being saved with a huge set of tits in your face! There is never a shortage of tits and ass on this beach, and certainly no shortage of heavy hot sand pounding fucking!" Here's a brief look at the scenes by cast and action, noting that no condoms were used for those still interested:

Samantha Sin

Scene One: Lexi Belle, a tasty babe wearing a skimpy black & white bikini, was up first on a lounge chair with Bill Bailey, their rescue by the team pretty weak. Her top came off for him to suck her tits and he pawed her crotch as if rushing her, eating her out before she slobbed his knob mechanically. There was a lot of wind noise in the scenes throughout the movie but I could hear the vocals and generic moans, the sunlight lighting them up very well in most cases. Lexi was not overly active during most of the vaginal positions, his modest cock hardly registering at all even when she kicked it up a degree in the cowgirl positions. There was some taste testing and it ended when he beat off a round of genetic juice to her hairy crotch.

Lela Star and Angie Savage

Scene Two: Breanne Benson, a curvy blond with a lot of makeup on, was up next in the bedroom wearing some appealing pink & black bikini lingerie as she felt up Alec Knight in bed. She was not very fluid in how she took his cock out of his pants, nor in how she blew him but it was clear that she had seen hundreds of peckers in her mouth over the years given her attention to detail once warmed up. She licked the shaft as she held it in her hand, pumping him as her mouth stayed centered on the head. There was some ball sucking action too but there was no obvious chemistry between them even as she mechanically moaned while he ate her out. Her clean shaven pussy looked inviting even with a piercing in it, the passive vaginal positions leading to a stomach pop where his minimal load of population pudding landed mostly on her abdomen with a touch on her tits.

Gina Lynn

Scene Three: Samantha Sin, the attractive blond seen on the left hand side of the cover, was up next with Jack Lawrence, the two kissing in bed as her minimal street clothing practically burst at the seams. She engulfed his dick with her mouth and kept eye contact, her tits allowed some freedom as she threw herself into her oral work. It wasn't a bad hummer and graying Jack (looking a lot like Herschel Savage back in the late 1990's) gave her some passionate head as a result, the mostly passive vaginal plowing again just not enough for me to enjoy. He did most of the work and they seemed to share no connection, by the time she began pumping on his rod, the scene was almost over as he tossed off a round of spunk to her upper abdomen and tits.

Scene Four: Angie Savage, a busty blond, and equally curvy brunette Lela Star, were up next in a lesbian tryst in the hot tub at night. They hung out to chat in their formal evening gowns while watching the uptight hotel worker run off others skinny dipping, soon removing their own clothing to jump in and caress each other. They rubbed tits together and kissed a bunch, the rest of the scene focused on oral loving and fingering on the edge of the tub. There was a hint of chemistry but it was fleeting, almost as if the gals were told what to do in great detail so they couldn't let loose from the sexual script. They then masturbated while sitting beside one another, the camera not catching it that well.

Scene Five: Gina Lynn, the busty blond babe shown on the center of the cover (playing "CJ"), was up last with Otto Bauer on a couch. He fussed about no fraternization and she pointed out that she had quit, the two stripping so she could suck him off with a lot more enthusiasm than the others had shown (Gina's skill level decidedly stronger too). Gina had fun trying to milk his nuts via the hummer and Otto is about as close a look alike to the original character as you will find in porn (though Otto is also a better actor from what I've seen), the guy throating her before he bent her over to give her a bone of her own. Sadly, Gina was not very active until the cowgirl positions, even then providing a pale shadow of her usual level of hard work, Otto skipping eating her weakening it too. The heavy reliance on close up shots sucked too, the scene finishing up with a crotch pop of semen.

Summary: This Ain't Baywatch XXX by director Stuart Canterbury for Hustler Video was another of the "churned out" parodies inflicted upon the public of late but given the relative weaknesses of the original show, I still found it worth a Rent It if you find a middle of the week deal for a buck. The sexual pairings were not the best the cast had to offer, the story elements were rarely worth mentioning, and the whole concept has been done better several times (for example, there was a series of parodies years ago called "Babewatch" by director Buck Adams that were better, albeit not much) but the ladies looked attractive and few people really care much about the non-sex portions of movies after the first viewing or two. In short, I evaluated the movie as a parody that advertised itself as such, the result being that This Ain't Baywatch XXX fell far short of what other companies are making these days but there was some minimal stroke value if you are a huge fan of the cast so feel free to check it out, just don't expect much lest you find yourself disappointed.