GENRE: Gonzo Straight Compilation
DIRECTORS: Alex Romero
STARS: Vanessa, Sandra Russo, Sandra Kay, Max Cortez, Luisa, Bailey, Karma, Sofy, Michael V., Sandra Russo, Kamil Klein, Lucie, Jessica May
DATES OF PRODUCTION: 2001
LENGTH: 135 mins with bonus material

In the world of porn, there is boring...and then there is BORING! Dull in the dynamic of dick and dumper can be just about anything, from overly polished performers going through the corporeal motions to gritty gonzo that is so poorly filmed that hyperactive hummingbirds couldn't follow the fucking. But it takes a rare bit of ribaldry to really test the limits of tedium, to place several monotonous elements together to create a display to the dreary. Now, this mendacity must go beyond the mere boundaries of the uninteresting and into the realm of brain cell killing. In order for the hardcore to hit the wall of wanton space wasting, it must contain several sedate factors. Number 1: the actors must look so disconnected from the sex acts that they appear to be mentally recalling their last lower GI series, or root canal. Number 2: the camerawork has to toss traditional conventions – like framing and composition – to the foul four winds. Instead, the director has to manufacture new naughty novelties for us to ignore looking at. Number 3: The XXX action is of such a derivative nature that blind Puritans who've never even seen a piece of adult entertainment could predict when the reverse cowgirl starts up. And Number 4: the men must be so middling in mons and mammary manipulation that even their money shots give up hope and dribble out in lifeless plops. Luckily, you don't have to remember all these random facts to learn the difference between porn that is tiresome and cock and cunt action that stifles your sexuality and wears out your libido's longing. Erotic Media and Pure Play have imported the world's first smut film guaranteed to induce narcolepsy. Dog Trainer is such a stupid, neutered snooze that you feel foolish for following its flesh fest for as long as you do. It has no sound, very little fury and signifies one of the worst adult titles ever.

The DVD:
What we have here is a scene compilation, created specifically for this title (meaning this is not a collection of old clips). There are five scenes, each running from between 20 and 35 minutes. What the FUCK the title Dog Trainer is supposed to mean is anyone's presumption (the original Spanish title is Perras Amaestradas, which most translation programs spit back as meaning anything, from Trained Dogs, to the more slangly appropriate Subservient Bitches). There are a couple of essential elements to note here. #1 – the men DO NOT eat pussy. In scene four, our hero chows on his ladylove's box for about five seconds, but that's the closest to cunt chumming any of these guys get. #2 – they should have called this DVD Blowjob Trainer, since that's what over 60% of the action is. Dicks getting sucked. Prick getting swallowed. Heads giving and getting head. #3 - from an esoteric standpoint, there is some faux funky dirge that beats along as the scenes unfold. However, the minute the action begins, all we hear is the natural ambiance in the room. And since the cast is foreign, NEVER speaking a word of English (or any other language) out loud (they all resort to low, guttural moaning most of the time) the soundtrack in toto is enough to induce Mr. Van Winkle's penchant for snoozing. There is no flow to the action, no ability to keep the cast names straight (all the scene info here is therefore pure conjecture) and complete randomness to the sex (there is no attempt at building to a decent carnal climax), the scenes will list the basic bonking and then delve into the more "critical" areas of analysis.

Scene 1: Vanessa, Sandra Russo, Sandra Kay, Max Cortez
List of Lewd Loving: Gal on Gal Gladhanding, Glass Dildo Diddling, Male Masturbation, Blowjobs o' Plenty, Linda Lovelacing, Tit Tricking, Pussy Pile Driving, Vagina Violating, Doggie Dynamics, Spooning, Cunt to Craw, The Butt, the Whole Butt, and Nothing But the Butt, Ass Crack to Craw, Bovine, Backwards Bovine, Digital (Finger) Drama, Kootmahl, Anal Bossie, Anal Bossie in Reverse, $Shot Facials
The Bataan Death March of balling begins here, with a couple of comely lasses giving us a lousy lesson in lame lesbianism. When a brunette enters the blonds' bi-sexual den, the same sex scenarios grow even more routine. Max is standing in the background, watching all this Sappho sisterhood and waxing his wood with ease. He joins in, grabs Sandra for some gag reflex training and the flummoxing free-for-all begins. How four people can fuck like escaped lunatics from a freak asylum and still fail to utter a single audible sound is just mystifying. This silent film fornication is everything that porn is not. While the visual looks hardcore and erotic, the lack of noise dampens all the depravity. Besides, once Max gets some mouth service, that's all he wants. He wanders back to the oral well one too many times to make this scene anything other than siesta inducing. Score: 2/10

Scene 2: Luisa, Bailey
List of Lewd Loving: Dildo Diddling, Toy to Tushy, Blowjobs o' Plenty, Deep Throat Attempts, The Butt, the Whole Butt and Nothing But the Butt, Vagina Violating, Spooning, Ass Rod Ramming, $Shot to Stomach
When Luisa places a beaded rubber wonder wobbler in her poop chute, we anticipate more object offerings to come. Sadly, once Bailey breaks in, it's pecker pleasing time and that's about it. The couple looks decent together and seems to get off on each other's average attributes. But, again, the hardcore is hampered by a lack of imagination or interest. The couple fucks and the scene is over. And in these days of squirting, gaping and pissing, uninteresting straight sex without a single bit of specialty or variation just doesn't lift the lumber. Score 2/10

Scene 3: Karma, Sofy, Max Cortez, Bailey, Michael V.
List of Lewd Loving: Gal on Gal Gladhanding, Blowjobs o' Plenty, Vagina Violating, Bovine, Backwards Bovine, Post-60s Partner Swapping, Spooning, The Butt, the Whole Butt, and Nothing But the Butt, Backwards Bovine, The Heartofore Unknown Anal Freak Position (sometimes referred to as the Wobbly Jitterbug or Internal Frug), Butt Bow Wow, Anal Bossie in Reverse, Piss Pitt Stop, Double Dude Dipping, $Shot Facials
Tennis Anyone! You may want to rethink that negative response once you learn how horrible mediocre this male and female on-court frolicking really is. You know it's bad when one of the actresses has to stop and take a leak – and then her partner will NO LONGER FUCK HER. Shit, he won't even touch her. Indeed, as our little lady is letting fly, her paramour runs over to the other available snatch, and seeing that Ms. Puss is taken by another's tool, heads for the hinder and sneaks a sample. Talk about self-esteem stiflers. Bailey then tries some manner of maneuver that looks like he's improvising a version of spooning while playing an imaginary game of twister at the same time. The temporary toilet break (our pristine young woman walks over to the tennis court's fencing and cops a squat) may be novel, but it's also nauseating (this STRAIGHT video has never indicated it would go off into fetish territory) and adds nothing to the sequence. The guys don't even give their all. There "pops" are just pathetic. Score: 1.5/10

Scene 4: Sandra Russo, Kamil Klein
List of Lewd Loving: Dildo Diddling, Blowjobs o' Plenty, Nut Attention, Backwards Bovine, Cunt to Craw, Seat Spooning, Butt Bow Wow, Anal Bossie, Kootmahl, Cunt a Licking, Vagina Violating, Seat to Snatch Switchout, $Shot Facial
Thanks to the added ambiance of the outdoor setting (which didn't really help Scene 3 at all, mind you) and the relative attractiveness of the couple, this is the best scene on the disc, sex wise. Both Sandra and Kamil fuck like pros and they really seem to add a simplistic sincerity to the screwing. While there is still too much machinations and movement (jumping from position to position like they're playing a salacious game of Simon Sez) the hardcore is somewhat steamy and ersatz erotic. Even the opening shot is interesting (Sandra comes slinking up poolside on all fours, while Kamil manually controls his cock off in the distance). Score: 3/10

Scene 5: Lucie, Jessica May, Max Cortez
List of Lewd Loving: Basic Bondage, Previous Pooper Plug Placement, Blowjobs o' Plenty, Linda Lovelacing, Vaginal Violation, Doggie Dynamics, Cunt to Craw, Lesbian Labia Licking, Digital (Finger) Drama, Salad Tossing, Spooning, Anal Bossie in Reverse, Butt Bow Wow, Kootmahl, $Shot Facial, Snowballing
Max Cortez has, apparently, never advanced beyond Freud's oral phase when it comes to carnality. All this guys ever seems to want is a long, leisurely cock sucking (and then, when he's ready, some face fucking to increase the mouth maneuvers). With two gals at his disposal, he gets plenty of tool attention. Heck, when he's jousting Lucie's loins, he takes a pre-reinsertion break to get Jessica to jones on his jock. The man just can't get enough honeys going Honeycutt on him. So even with the butt plug's preeminence and the sickening sperm sharing at the end, the scene is really all about peter being polished by some semi-talented tonsils. Everything else appears ancillary to our usually limped log lothario. Score 1.5/10

ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ...

What? Oops, sorry. Dozed off there for a second. Lordy, is Dog Trainer tedious. It's hard (actually, throughout the course of this calmative, it's NEVER hard) to put a finger on what exactly is wrong. We see pussy. We see dick. We see the two go up the hill to fetch a pale of perversity. But nothing interesting comes tumbling down after. Instead, scenes go on forever with the same act being repeated endlessly. A good example is the first scene. Mr. Cortez gets oral pleasuring for 15 minutes before he begins any other action. That's 50% of the 30+ minute running time right there. And he doesn't stop. Whenever he needs a ribald refill, he finds a pair of lips and parts them post haste. The women are obviously as uninterested as the audience in what is supposed to be going on. With cock filling their orifices, they have that now-classic vacant Euro-trash stare down to an interpersonal philosophy. And that devoid of interesting intent makes us at home equally sleepy. Instead of catching the next coupling, we're ready for forty winks with an additional coma chaser. With uninspired direction, dopey camera work and some of the silliest setups in the history of compilations (tennis court needs repairing...let's have sex! – hanging out by the pool...let's hump!) Dog Trainer has nothing to offer. There is nothing novel or new. Nothing startling or shocking (unless you consider Sofy's name AND Susan Powter inspired hair-don't) and definitely zero in the erogenous zone department. Pass this passivity by...if you have the energy...

ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ...

The Video:
Actually, visual elements are the only strong part of Dog Trainer. The 1.33:1 full screen framing is decent and the picture has nice colors and excellent clarity. When we get outdoors, the image is especially sharp and atmospheric. Now if the lensmen would simply focus on something other than some guy's smelly asshole or a gangly gal throwing a whiz...

The Audio:
Obviously, the aural elements for Dog Trainer were recorded on the microphone internal to the video camera being used. Occasionally there are sounds (walking, wind) that send the sonics into a distorted disaster mode. Especially during all the outdoor scenes, the breezes blow the aural attributes into Crapville. And since no one makes a discouraging – or encouraging – word during the sexual installments, the Dolby Digital Stereo really doesn't have much to offer.

The Extras:
Nothing interesting at all. A photo gallery. Instant access to the "pop" shots (as lifeless as they are) and the usual weblink wonderment. No bonus scenes or biographical information. Just mainstream media excuses for extra content.

Final Thoughts:
Dog Trainer uses an interesting label for its product on the cover of this DVD. They list this disc as a "raunchy gonzo suck and fuck sexflick", a tantalizing tidbit of Eurocore. Well, someone was asleep in marketing and/or copywriting class, because this inert crotch opera is about as randy as a corpse, as rebellious as ringworm and has all the value of a typical foreign farthing. On the Disco Dirge Peter Meter, this limp load of a loser warrants a weak 2 out of 10 and should be skipped skillfully across a simmering stagnant pond of brackish water, immediately. There is no way a couple could ever enjoy this non-Viagra vomit and so a Cohabitation Certification is kept in its box for use another day. Impossible as it may seem, hardcore can indeed be boring and Dog Trainer is a clear indication of how that is. From the lackluster fucking to the uninspired, non-stop sucking, this title will teach you a valuable adult entertainment lesson. Just because a name sounds naughty and an overseas energy is behind the Continental copulation, doesn't mean a fiery fiesta of sex and sin is guaranteed. Sometimes, exported erotica can lead to that most leaden of lust limiters – boredom. And Dog Trainer is a motherfucking bore.