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This Ain’t Die Hard XXX Blu-ray

Hustler Video

Genre: Parody

Director: Stuart Canterbury

Cast: Holly Taylor, Billy Glide, Kimberly Kane, Tommy Gunn, Capri Cavanni, Leilani Leeanne, Ryan Driller, Brooklyn Lee, Derrick Pierce
Non-sex roles: Phoenix Marie, Sasha Heart, others not credited

Length: 105:15 minutes

Date of Production: 11/15/2012

Extras: The best conventional extra will be the inclusion of the 10:25 minute Behind the Scenes feature by Marc Star. It showed some of the green screen effects and some bloopers, interviews as well as bits & pieces of the movie being made. There was also a photogallery, some trailers, and the usual spam but the primary extra advertised was the added 3D version of the movie in the set. The 3D process used was not the high end style many mainstream flicks are being shot with these days but the old anaglyph kind (red & blue glasses included) so the imaginary depth perception will vary considerably. Of note was the Blu-ray version was better looking in both versions but that will cost you extra, no surprise on both accounts.

Condoms: None

Audio/Video Quality: This Ain’t Die Hard XXX was presented in anamorphic widescreen as shot by director Stuart Canterbury for Hustler Video. The standard, 2D version of the movie was pretty basic in terms of the visuals, limited special effects and not much in the way of settings to make the feature elements stand out. The 3D version used the red & blue anaglyph style which is not noted for providing great depth of field even on a good day, the movie certainly not optimized for the effects in the slightest. If you decide to pick up the high definition version instead, it did look better in both cases but only marginally so, the director not generally known for providing the same level of parody experience peers like Will Ryder, Axel Braun, or a handful of others have been offering in recent years; this movie not going to change that perception in the slightest. The aural qualities of the movie were in 2.9 Dolby Digital using a 224 Kbps bitrate, the music basic, the special audio effects fairly limited too, and the vocals clear but soundstage clear if you know what I mean (too clear to convey the acoustic qualities of the settings, very bland).

Body of Review: Stuart Canterbury directs for Hustler Video these days, his porn resume lengthier than many of his current peers in the field. His latest release is called This Ain’t Die Hard XXX, a pornified version of the original Bruce Willis action flick, this time starring Derrick Pierce as the lead. In case you haven’t seen any of the five mainstream movies based on the character and premise, it stars a cop who is in the wrong place at the right time, the man systematically foiling the efforts of various terrorists and bad guys with his presence. The most recent one came out a month or so ago to limited fanfare (I liked it) but as someone who has watched each of the series a number of times, I am probably going to be harsh on this version given the limited budget, the use of characters, and the writing that doesn’t make best use of any of the performers sexually or thematically. Mixing things up, Derrick is visiting his wife at the Hustler building when a group of armed ladies comes in to steal a bunch of porno dollars, the man thwarting the robbers without any suspenseful buildup needed to move the plot forward. He is rewarded in the end with a rooftop tryst but even if you enjoy a few of the sex scenes, it might as well have been labeled “generic sex 101” and have the feature elements dropped altogether given how few of them there were to appreciate. Here’s a brief look at the scenes by cast and action, noting that no condoms were used for those still interested:

Scene One: Holly Taylor, a curvy gal with mixed color hair and a short black skirt, was up first as she slobbed the knob of Billy Glide, the man portraying the party’s Santa. She said she was naughty but he gave her a present anyway, his bulging boner licked and sucked well enough as she applied some hand to gland action, her modest eye contact and abilities leaving him with only a few inches in her mouth. The vaginal penetration positions were relatively passive too and left his genetic juices all over her chest, the ball batter tasted before the scene cut away.

Scene Two: Kimberly Kane, the lean brunette standing to the right of center on the front cover, was up next in an office tryst with Tommy Gunn as he offered her what she wanted in information in exchange for what he wanted from her body. She tore her pantyhose and he gobbled her gash, Kimberly barking orders at him as she playfully spread her legs to encourage more oral by the guy. She then gave him a small amount of sloppy head while lying back on the desk, swinging around for some vaginal pounding where she got into it actively. In terms of visual appeal, she looked best bent over the desk with her fleshy ass ripe for the plucking, Tommy going balls deep to drain his dragon of population pudding all over her crotch when she impaled herself in cowgirl fashion on the nearby chair.

Scene Three: Capri Cavanni, the busty babe seen just left of center on the cover, was up next on a desk masturbating after gathering up a bunch of money from the heist. She used her hand and a small vibrator to rub herself silly, her fingers spending some time on her perfect pucker though nothing notable going into it as far as I could see. I wish one of the guys could have joined her, or even one of the ladies, but she was essentially wasted in a solo scene with minimal lighting.

Scene Four: Leilani Leeanne, the lean and exotic young lady seen on the far right of the cover, was up next as the initial cop responding to the alarm, the perimeter set up as FBI agent Ryan Driller coaxed her into displaying her skills with a gun. She dropped down to blow him and gave a far greater effort than was otherwise displayed to this point, Ryan reciprocating mechanically as he went down on her until a few positions of vaginal sex led to his spunk unleashed on her crotch.

Scene Five: Brooklyn Lee, the award winning hotty seen on the center of the front cover, was up last with Derrick Pierce, the day won from the crooks. This amounted to make up sex since they were estranged as a married couple, neither character looking like they’d spent more than five minutes in their cover outfits before being all over each other. They caressed and kissed, all of her clothing taken off before so much as a stitch of his was removed later. He used her naked nature to go down on her as she rested on the uncomfortable roof structure, only some light music provided as there was no ambient background sounds whatsoever. Within moments of him working her pussy orally, Brooklyn was glistening with a light coat of sweat, her all natural body then trading places with a magically naked Derrick. She aggressively slobbed his knob as he leaned back on the platform, the man holding her hair as she fucked his pecker with her mouth, some active vaginal positions leading to him providing a decent amount of splooge to her heavily trimmed snatch as she laid there to enjoy it.

Phoenix Marie: sexually missing in action

Sasha Heart: also sexually missing in action here

Summary: This Ain’t Die Hard XXX Blu-ray by director Stuart Canterbury for Hustler Video left me hanging sexually as well as in how the feature elements were portrayed so cheaply. It speaks volumes when the lady from the first scene, Holly Taylor, is not even on the cover, while a popular name performer like Phoenix Marie (the large breasted blond on the left side of the cover) doesn’t even get to strut her stuff in a scene. Perky little Sasha Heart is also shown half dressed in the beginning but not allowed to participate in any sexual fun, while Capri Cavanni is wasted in a solo scene and Leilani Leeanne has the most basic scene of her career with Ryan Driller on a cop car (which makes no sense). Admittedly, headliners Brooklyn Lee and Kimberly Kane were smoking in their respective scenes, enough to elevate the rating to a decent Rent It, but I expected so much more than this movie provided given Hustler’s recent successes, even the 3D looking flatter than usual. In short, This Ain’t Die Hard XXX Blu-ray had the real goods with Brooklyn Lee, Kimberly Kane, and Derrick Pierce but failed to provide them enough room to truly shine, the feature elements more limited than ever and the sexual exploits of the cast all over the map in terms of quality so be wary of this one and give it a look before buying regardless of which version you prefer.