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This Ain't Avatar XXX

Hustler Video

Genre: Parody

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Director: Axel Braun

Cast: Chris Johnson, Misty Stone, Nicki Hunter, Evan Stone, Juelz Ventura, Lexington Steele, Chanel Preston, Danica Dillan, Dale DaBone, Eric Swiss, Danny Wylde, Alec Knight, Ellis Malmgren, Jaxon Fogg, Peter Pecker, Riccardo Robinson, Adolfo, Jasmine, Marc Star

Length: 128:53 minutes

Danica Dillan with the mighty Evan Stone

Date of Production: 6/15/2010

Extras: The main extra was that there were two versions of the movie; one in the usual 2D and the other in 3D (using the old fashioned red & blue anaglyph system). The single disc included both versions of the movie, the extras including a slide show, some trailers, and spam. It also had a 20:00 minute Behind the Scenes feature that helped make sense of the show as Axel described what took place.

Condoms: None

Poor lighting and synchronization issues shot this one down.

Audio/Video Quality: This Ain't Avatar XXX was presented in a colorful 1.78:1 ratio, widescreen, offering as shot by director Axel Braun for Hustler Video using the 1080p resolution and AVC codec typical of high definition projects. The original movie spared no expense to become the biggest grossing movie of all time but even the use of the red & blue 3D system here fell far short of what fans should expect (if you are going to use what amounts to a gimmick, do it right or wait until you can handle the technical matters better). The editing wasn't as tight as the best genre efforts but Claudia Ross & Axel seemed up to the task of polishing up his raw footage nicely enough. The standard definition version of the flick had few compression artifacts and only a bit of noise & edge enhancement, but it was so dark that even trying to discern what was happening was sketchy, never mind making cast identifications with all the makeup on. On top of that, the 3D version seemed to go haywire well into the movie where the red & blue anaglyphs separated, the lack of synchronization killing the effect during what could have been a pretty decent little sexual tryst. In short, in terms of the visual esthetics, this title fell extremely short of the original movie, the rushed look of it contributing to my skepticism of the marketing hype surrounding this pornified version. This Blu-ray 3D version was not presented in the new standard format, as designated by the label you will see more of in coming months, but the old anaglyph system, again messed up and in need of remastering. The audio was presented in a 2.0 Dolby Digital English with a 192 Kbps audio bitrate and 48 kHz sampling rate. There was limited separation and dynamic range here, a lot of rough edges heard from the music and dialogue making me think this was rushed to market far too soon in order to qualify for this season's awards, sharing that with the visual elements; reminding me that quality control has never been a strong point in porn but it gets tossed out the window during this time of the year. Whatever points one gives the movie for ambition are soon lost due to failed execution, the score of issues arising enough to make me shake my head at proclamations about the technical excellence of the show, not to mention the confused storyline (mentioned below).

Misty Stone and Chris Johnson Vs. poor lighting

Body of Review: Axel Braun has been one of the most prolific directors of porn parodies for Hustler Video in recent years, his general quality of movie tending to escalate any time he is given the proper resources and time to handle his projects correctly. That is why I figured This Ain't Avatar XXX should be a huge hit, Hustler being one of the few companies left in the business with the financial wherewithal to shoot such a movie in June and then get the CGI done for a September release. Unfortunately, the marketing hype has way over extended the quality and scope of the movie, perhaps figuring to cash in before someone with enough guts pointed out that the emperor has no clothes. In this case, the movie was a series of random flashbacks and projected futures that discard much of what happened in the original to pornify the production, skirting between the tongue in cheek (finally telling the world what the special mineral from the planet really does) to a deadpan serious playing of the roles that becomes unintentionally laughable. Others have commented to me on the lack of quality on technical merits, waiting for me to review the movie first, but even then, strip away all the silliness of the show and the sex was mediocre (even for a feature). The red & blue 3D technique used for the movie gave me a headache even when the two anaglyphs were properly aligned but take a look around the 96 minute mark and you will see one of the most anticipated sex scenes marred by the lack of quality control (the overlays substantially out of synchronization). Here's a brief look at the scenes by cast and action, noting that no condoms were used for those still interested:

Scene One: Danica Dillan, an all natural brunette with itty bitty titties, was up first in a display of the vital mineral's properties with the mighty Evan Stone as the commander of the military force. He tore her clothing off and felt her up, the gal kneeling down to slob his knob gingerly at first, some Nutsack licking followed by the gal concentrating on the first couple of inches he had to offer (I know she can blow guys better than that!). This led to an active vaginal ride where she took forever to go further than the first few inches of his cock, the sweat covering her body as she pumped on half his cock glistening in the poorly lit laboratory. There was some taste testing and he kept his clothes on, finally ending up on the floor with her ass in the air as he plundered her pussy, then ass, some more. It was amusing that she actually did better anally then vaginally too, Evan beating off a small wad of genetic juice to her face.

Scene Two: Nicki Hunter, playing the bitchy female scientist from the movie (Sigourney Weaver's character) in avatar mode (heavy makeup), was up next with equally enhanced Eric Swiss in a dark part of the jungle. They kissed and felt each other up, some titty play leading to a blowjob and vaginal positions by a rock. He jerked off to her face to finish things up too, her hungry character showing a minor need for seed.

Scene Three: Nicki Hunter, now playing a scientist in the avatar chamber, was trying to revive Chris Johnson when he wouldn't wake up. This being a porn parody, he choose the most effective manner of doing so which meant blowing him, her hand to gland action only marginally successful in getting his cock fully erect. Despite the erection issues, she continued working him over, even sitting on his face for some oral satisfaction of her own, a 69 leading to a few active vaginal positions. It was another very dark scene but at least midway through, someone flipped on the light switch and it looked somewhat better, Nikki switching cowgirl positions to showcase her ass better during some anal pounding. She then blew him to completion, his population pudding landing in her mouth and hand.

Scene Four: Misty Stone, the lead hotty shown on the front cover in her full makeup, was up next as she took on Chris Johnson, his avatar persona also looking weird in the dark night jungle. They kissed and she began to show him how they connect by intermingling their hair braids, Chris pushing her head down to show him the way of his people instead. As such, she blew him with her usual degree of precision, climbing onto his cock for some modestly active vaginal cowgirl positions. Just as she was getting into it, the anaglyphs started losing synchronization, fucking up the visuals like a train wreck. Not just the 3D effect was lost but the spirit of the moment, picking back up again briefly after some doggy led to her taking his mouth load of semen.

Scene Five: The last scene was a full orgy at night including Chanel Preston, Misty Stone, Juelz Ventura, Lexington Steele, Dale DaBone, Chris Johnson, and several others. The darkness impacted the visual elements dearly and the 3D effect seemed largely lost, story elements like the toxic environment not impacting the human slave girl (Juelz) nor any reasonable explanation given for what was taking place. As best I could tell, the action was just a bunch of generic vaginal and oral in the dark, some minimal ambient noises tossed in so pale that I wondered how many of the creative team saw the original movie in the first place. The mechanical thrusting showed no chemistry, less passion, and had none of the emotive nature of the original characters (for those that care). Pop shots went to mouths, pussies, and the like, no rhyme or reason for the ending either.

Summary: This Ain't Avatar XXX by director Axel Braun for Hustler Video had a funny ending (complete with "Planet of the Apes" nod; the original best described as "Dances With Wolves in Outer Space") but it was cheaply made and written on the back of a matchbook cover, no one credited for the story in the ending credits. The failure of the story elements aside, the technical attributes were so poorly handled that I wonder how many people will feel ripped off when they watch the fourth scene or buy into the hype surrounding this one, even the solid cast unable to keep this one from earning a rating of Skip It. The sexual trysts were mediocre even for a feature, the technical constraints weakening what could be readily seen to the point where it was not strokable never mind concerning itself with replay value. In short, This Ain't Avatar XXX probably spent more on advertising than it did on the movie itself, those warning me of just how bad it was clearly in the know this time. I expected this version to be the new format of polarized 3D but it was just a dressed up anaglyph version with higher resolution for those that are into the bleeding edge of technology. It's sad that some folks out there refuse to review the 3D version since that is the main selling point of the flick but then shilling copies to unsuspecting fans would be tougher to explain so pass this one up unless they remaster it.

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