First Impressions:
Let's not address Gerard Damiano's place in porn, ok? Let's not get involved in rumor and innuendo, legend and myth. The man made a name for himself in the early 70s with the undeniable double whammy of Deep Throat and The Devil in Miss Jones. But by the time The Naked Goddess rolled around, those carnal classics were part of porn's past. Mafia or no mafia, asshole or not, when held up to the standards of those ancient arousal artifacts, it is clear that Damiano's modern smut was simultaneously superior and inferior. Presented in two parts (though, oddly, only the first half is featured here) Damiano's narrative centers around a very, VERY young Jonathan Morgan who has penis problems. Though he's willing to work his wang, he just can't complete the act. His buddy, Buck Adams, promises that Moana Pozzi will pop his cock. She's the head hottie at a local house of carnal commerce. As long as you are willing to pay, your every fantasy will be fulfilled. Since this is only Part 1, we are left with a cliffhanger that asks if Mr. Morgan will finally fuck for the first time. Based on the stunted storyline here, The Dirge is guessing a solid "NO!"

The Sex Scenes:

In a word - DULL! In another couple of words - boring, basic balling. Sure, Ms. Pozzi likes her dumper dicked, and when she is onscreen we begin to feel our libido limbering up. But Damiano doesn't know anything about how to film fucking. His compositions are crappy and his framing flies directly into the face of the fornication. Actors will be all over each other, and our director will swing his lens a little to the right, so that instead of witnessing the wantonness, we only see a part of the poon. But that's not all. Damiano believes that his story is as important as the smut, and he spends almost equal time on both. What we want is balling and plenty of it. Instead, Jonathan Morgan's member issues get discussed ad nauseum, with lame dialogue and clichéd conversations taking up valuable vice time. While it might not be fair to fault Damiano for not being able to match the non-stop nookie of post-millennial porn, Naked Goddess is the slowest hardcore sex film the Dirge has ever seen.

Scene 1: Moana Pozzi, Peter North
Acts Performed: Cunnilingus, Anal Fingering, Blowjob, Doggy, Implied V to M, Ball Action, 69, Anal Doggy, $hot in Mouth, Oral Cleanup
Score: 2.5 out of 5

You know it says something sad about your flesh feast focus when, as Peter North is pumping the pasta out of Ms. Pozzi, all you can think about is why our meat puppet is name checked in so many of Chris Seaver's homemade horror films. The really sad thing here is that, once we've witnessed Pete putting it to Moana, we've seen the best sex this DVD has to offer - and the film still has over an hour of running time left. One has to give our Italian lady her performance props: she really does look like she enjoys Peter's peter. But if you look closely, you can also see how, cinematically, old fashioned fuck and suck cheated like a mofo. During the last few minutes of this sequence, we cut to shots of North nodding in obvious appreciation of Ms. Pozzi's privates. Sadly, similar footage is used over and over again. Even after Pete pops, we still get glimpses of him bobbing around like he's still balling away.

Scene 2: Moana Pozzi, The Masked Man
Acts Performed: Masturbation, Blowjob, Cunnilingus, Mish, V to M, $hot in Mouth, Oral Cleanup
Score: 2 out of 5

Here's a sequence that's only 50% effective - and we aren't talking about the moments when our masked stud shows up to dominate his date. When Ms. Pozzi gets down to pleasing herself, her self-service style is pretty palpable. She strokes her snatch like it's overly itchy (she did something similar while taking a bath at the beginning of the film) and loves to luxuriate in its fabulous forest of fur. That's right, Moana is a hirsute honey, sporting a bush that would even satisfy the shaggy snatch loving Andrew "Dice" Clay. But there is no passion in her hardcore humping of our anonymous actor. It's all mechanical, meaningless and mediocre.

Scene 3: Group Scene
Acts Performed: An all out orgy including Blowjob, Cunnilingus, Anal Beads, Ass Slapping, Anal Doggy, Mish, Cowgirl, Doggy, DP in the Cowgirl Mode, $hots in Mouth, Face, Crotch, Ass and in the Air
Score: 2 out of 5

Since most group gropes turn into frenzied free-for-alls, it's nice to see Damiano stage his sex so that we can, at the very least, follow the fun. For most of the other performers, their vignettes of vice are minor at best. One gal gets a load of beads buried in her butt. As her paramour pulls them out one by one, she gets a congratulatory slap on the sit-upon. Other fuck facets include the standard oral workout and some slight shafting. Once Ms. Pozzi shows up - and Buck Adams stops talking about how "great" she is - we get a decent sequence of DP. But unlike current carnality, we focus more on the 'D' and not enough on the 'P'. We get very few close-ups of cock in coot, and there's not a lot of motion in this prurient ocean. In the end, we feel sort of satisfied, but also understand that advancements in the adult industry has rendered a lot of this laziness moot.

Scene 4: Jonathan Morgan Dream Sequence
Acts Performed: Blowjobs, Cowgirl
Score: 1 out of 5

Not really a scene so much as a dream sequence with dicks, Morgan envisions a trio of vixens sucking cock and riding rod. It lasts for about 2 minutes, and is really minor in its potential porn value. Previous to his naughty night terror, Ms. Pozzi was trying to please our limp lover...with her mouth. He couldn't handle it. Maybe the criticism over Damiano's lack of creativity is too harsh. After all, it is pretty novel to have a scene in a sex film where the man says "Nyet" to a hot piece of ass sucking on his cock.

Disco Dirge Peter Meter Rating: 1.5 out of 5 (Rent It)
Cohabitation Certification: Granted

No bonus features...lame ass action...a storyline cut short without a concept of closure...Gerard Damiano's directorial dopiness. Frankly, the only saving grace in this entire production is Moana Pozzi. It is for her almost arousing amore that The Naked Goddess earns a Rent It rating. You will definitely need to test drive this derivative, overly fancy fuck and suck to see if you can tolerate its tenets - especially with another purchase for Part 2 sitting out there like the crass marketing ploy that it is. While Ms. Pozzi might make all your Mediterranean dreams come true, her short, substandard starring vehicle here is just horrible. It's so slow and subtle that it will make you want to run to your local XXX outlet and buy a stack of Evil Angel gonzo. You'll need something that shocking to get your loins going again.