This Ain’t Hollywood Squares XXX

Hustler Video

Genre: Parody

The Ladies

Director: Uncredited (but looking like one of Axel Braun’s attempts at low budget parodies)

Cast: Brianna Jordan, Scarlett Fay, Victoria White, Eric Masterson, Faye Reagan, Dane Cross, Ashley Jane, Natalie Vegas, Dale DaBone, Jenna Haze, Voodoo
Non-sex roles: Raylene, Ron Jeremy, Tyler Knight, Alec Knight, Chad Diamond

Length: 116:19 minutes

Date of Production: 2011

Extras: There was a Behind the Scenes feature lasting 14:33 minutes, the footage primarily interview material. There were also some trailers, spam, and a photogallery.

Condoms: None

Scarlett Fay and Brianna Jordan

Audio/Video Quality: This Ain’t Hollywood Squares XXX was presented in an anamorphic widescreen color with an aspect ratio of about 1.78:1 as shot by an uncredited director for release by Hustler Video using the MPEG-2 codec. The sexual portions were largely handled in a straightforward manner with reasonable lighting that limited the grain, video noise, and limited the compression artifacts, no one credited with handling the camera this time. The composition of the camera angles was decent even though there only appeared to be a single camera deployed this time; they did seem to provide a modestly competent display of the ladies here. The editing was better on the parody elements than the sexual trysts but there appeared to be an attempt to cash in quickly this time, some portions working better than others (much better). The bitrate itself was often in the mid 4.6 Mbps area this time, helping make the production decent looking if not fully realizing the entire disc as well as could be expected. The audio was presented in the usual 2.0 Dolby Digital stereo English using the 192 Kbps bitrate expected of the movie. There was no separation of the vocals, limited dynamic range, and it generally sounded like the audio was recorded from the microphone attached to the camera.

Victoria White with Eric

Body of Review: Hustler Video has made a lot of parody attempts in recent years, their best works almost always at the hands of a couple of specific directors. With all the potential of one of the biggest companies in the industry though, I admit to expecting more of them than I usually see. Their latest release was such that it did not even have a credited director (never a good sign), a parody called This Ain’t Hollywood Squares XXX. For those that have never seen the original mainstream game show, it had been a pop culture staple for generations, originally starting in the 60’s and ending in the early 80’s before a revised edition coming out in the 90’s lasting for 6 or 7 years. The idea of the show was for contestants to play tic tac toe with celebrities answering goofy questions in comedic form, the general dynamic allowing for some amusing jokes and prizes to be had. In the porn version, the sex angle was played up a lot more of course, the need for innuendos tossed aside in favor of actual trysts by ladies such as Jenna Haze, Victoria White, and Faye Reagan. My hesitations regarding the quickie manner in which this appeared to be knocked out aside, I figured it had some potential given the cast so I went in with an open mind rather than an empty head. Here’s a brief look at the scenes by cast and action, noting that no condoms were used for those still interested:

Faye Reagan

Scene One: Brianna Jordan and Scarlett Fay, playing Kim Kardassian and Lindsey Lohan in the back of a limousine, started off the sexual portion of the movie in a lesbian tryst where the pampered pussies drank champagne and pawed each other. They kissed and played with each other’s tits, soon going down on one another and using various Hustler brand toys. It was too short and lacked chemistry but it was okay as a warm up scene (and Brianna had a great ass).

Ashley Jane

Scene Two: Victoria White, an attractive blond with very pretty eyes, was up next as she squirmed all over Eric Masterson, his wig as host looked especially weird. She rubbed him a bit and took off her top, her firm little titties bouncing moments later when he pounded her pussy in several vaginal penetration positions. She overdid the vocals a lot but did anal like a champion, pushing back to meet his thrusts until jerking out a wad of his genetic juice into her mouth while maintaining superior eye contact with him.

Natalie Vegas with Dale

Scene Three: Faye Reagan, a heavily freckled redhead with a lean body and winning smile, was up next as she stripped on a couch, diddling herself until blowing moper Dane Cross on a nearby chair. She used a fair amount of hand to gland combat skills on his rod and throated him with ease, his own oral efforts lacking until she actively rode his pecker vaginally. Faye was louder than usual here too, going over the top at times as she impaled herself on the modest member, Dane giving her what looked like a fake creampie of population pudding.

Jenna Haze with Voodoo

Scene Four: Ashley Jane, playing the latest (but not greatest) Lady Gaga impersonator in the porn world, was up next as she rubbed one out in a solo masturbation scene using the Hustler Nonconformist Rabbit toy. While the pink-trussed cutie was certainly better looking and sexually more interesting than the character she portrayed, she really did not have a lot of room to maneuver in her square; getting juicy in her chair. It was a nice sideline though, meriting a load or two but lacking replay value for me otherwise.

Raylene (the second best Sarah Palin impersonator in porn)

Scene Five: Natalie Vegas, a beautiful blond with enhanced chest, was up next with effeminate Dale DaBone, his stab at portraying Alex Trebek certainly not one of his finest characterizations to date. She came to his dressing room and dropped to her knees to blow him, her coy playfulness adding something to her hand assisted hummer, Dale avoiding her snatch orally to favor boning it with his half hard rod. The lack of chemistry was understandable and as attractive as she was, she rarely gave him any eye contact, Dale rubbing out a load of spunk all over her face to finish up the scene.

Scene Six: Jenna Haze, the sole big name draw of the entire fuck flick, was up last as part of a scene “directed” by “ALF” the furry alien so popular in the late 80’s. Jenna was dressed in sexy lingerie and dropped to her knees to suck off Voodoo in POV fashion, the guy going down on her only after porking her a little bit vaginally. Her torn fishnet stockings added to her slutty appeal and her active riding skills were again in evidence, her perfect little ass looking exceptional when shown high in the air. It ended soon afterwards with Voodoo jerking off to her face, Jenna doing a nice job on clean up.

Summary: This Ain’t Hollywood Squares XXX by Hustler Video was one of their most hit or miss parody efforts to date, no wonder no one had the balls to be listed as director. The cast of ladies was definitely augmented by the likes of Jenna Haze, Natalie Vegas, and Brianna Jordan but the technical elements seemed rushed as well as forced (time constraints?) to the point where a lot more polish would have made sense. Given the sexual innuendos of the original series (either version at that), there was ample material to make a decent parody here and it was a shame that the best character parodies were indeed by those that did not get a sexual scene, perhaps a revisited version in the future addressing the potential better. Still, given some of the strokable elements of the production, it merited a rating of Rent It for me, the lack of many big name performers in scenes (all but one) not helping it stand out from the pack of marginal efforts. In short, This Ain’t Hollywood Squares XXX did not live up to the potential of the mainstream game show in a pornified effort but the cast of relative newcomers had some merit, just do not expect very much or you will feel ripped off.