Scene 1: Monica Mayhem, Valentino
Acts Included: Oral (both), vaginal.
Positions: Reverse cowgirl, missionary, doggie
Condoms: Yup.

Mayhem is one of four naked women lounging around a pool, but ends up being the one chosen by a sheik, prince, or other undefined rich Middle Eastern royalty. She wastes no time in getting on kneeling to the throne (insert your own scepter joke here), while the the other women get the runner-up prizes - each other - in the background.

After a short blowjob sequence, we get reverse cowgirl sex, with someone doing voice-over. Think play-by-play, only clearly read from a script by someone who sounds like she'd struggle with anything non-monosyllabic.

Mayhem is a very cute, petite blonde thing, but the scene never really gets going. Bonus points for the full-fledged facial, though.

Scene 2: Jenna Haze, Tony Bar
Acts Included: Oral (both) vaginal.
Positions: Reverse cowgirl, missionary, cowgirl, doggie
Condoms: No.

Jenna is writing to Barely Legal, says the voice over. A suitor for her sister shows up unannounced, and the two exchange pleasantries (mainly that the sister is cheating on him), until the script runs out. I mean, until she propositions him.

Again, voiceover in strange places here. The best part is when the voiceover gives a bit of "backstory," then the characters proceed to give the same backstory on screen.

Oh, you want to know about the sex? Jenna is an absolutely stunning woman, and clearly enjoys her job (both giving and receiving). The scene is hot and one of the longest on the disc, clocking it at about 15 minutes of sex. Just fast-forward through the stilted dialogue at the beginning.

Scene 3: Belladonna, Ray
Acts Included: Oral (both), vaginal.
Positions: Reverse cowgirl, cowgirl, missionary
Condoms: No.

Hey, Belladonna's writing a letter to Barely Legal too! She has an odd way of tanning - I guess legs straight up and spread-eagled with a hand down there will eliminate tan lines?

As she's, um, tanning, Porn Cliche #4 (the pool boy) shows up. There share an appropriately awkward moment (when bad acting is a benefit), then she goes about her business. It takes him about 45 seconds to go from spectator to participant.

Belladonna is a freak, but this scene ends up pretty tame. Her partner has some, er, "performance" issues through a lot of the sex and there's no sound - just some sort of muzak. A pretty dull affair.

Scene 4: Flick Shagwell, Foxy Lady
Acts Included: Oral (both), toys.
Positions: 69, side-by-side
Condoms: No.

It takes 45 minutes, but we arrive at our first lesbian scene. Flick Shagwell (what a shameless Austin Powers rip) and Foxy Lady are hanging out and talking, and when two women hang out, we all know what happens.

Shagwell actually embodies the idea behind "Barely Legal" better than almost anyone else on the disc. This is not a woman that would look out of place at the mall on the corner or walking around your local college campus. She's cute, but not a knockout. On a disc like this, that's actually what makes her stand out.

Unfortunately, in a scene like this, very little is working. The first five or so minutes is a whole lot of nothing - talking, more talking, some backstory and even more talking. By the time the toys are brought out, the scene is almost over - there might be six minutes of "action" here. And there's very little on-screen chemistry between the two. Pass.

Scene 5: Gauge, Mojo
Acts Included: Oral (both)
Positions: Standing, doggie, cowgirl, missionary
Condoms: No.

Surprisingly, Gauge doesn't look too out of place in a cowboy hat, though the banjo music in the background makes one think of a very dirty episode of Hee Haw. Again, the scene starts with meaningless acting - someone tries to pick her up as she leaves "work," a movie theater. She's on her way "to see her man," and gets her own engine revved up on the ride home, before jumping on "her man" as he works on his four-wheeler.

Gauge is a wild one, and threatens to put Mojo in the groin friction burn ward of their local medical center. It's a hot scene, and she's into it from the start, even if he seems a bit disinterested.

Best of all, she manages to keep the hat on! That's talent.

Scene 6: Layla Jade, Billy D
Acts Included: Oral (both), vaginal.
Positions: Reverse cowgirl, cowgirl, spoon, missionary, doggie
Condoms: No.

If Layla is "barely legal," I'd be shocked. She looks about a decade past that. We're also now back to the "Dear Barely Legal" standard opening. She's a waitress at a diner, and commits about 10 health code violations in two minutes before getting involved with the cook.

Layla has a very funny "moan" throughout the scene, almost like a drum beat. It's consistent, without movement, and sounds completely fake. She doesn't sound that excited about anything that goes on in the scene.

As the scene goes, the dialogue gets more and more preposterous. "I've never had any fingers in my pussy," she says at one point. "You can do it, but you have to be a gentleman." Oy.

Scene 7: Dayton Rains, Bobbie Adore
Acts Included: Oral (both).
Positions: 69, side-by-side
Condoms: No.

Hey, it's faux-widescreen! It's not anamorphic, though.

Rains is a painter who places ads in magazines in order to lure young women to her house (we know this, of course, because she writes it in her letter to "Barely Legal").

We get to start with a horribly-drawn out "seduction" scene. Think of DiCaprio painting Winslet in Titanic, then make it really long and boring (already was, you say? Fair.). By the time we get to Rains removing any clothing, we're already five minutes in.

The two do a fairly convincing job with the lesbian encounter once the action starts, but again it is a short scene (roughly eight minutes) and by the time it seems to heat up, it's over.

Scene 8: Tiffany Mason, Joel
Acts Included: Oral (both), vaginal.
Positions: Cowgirl, missionary, spoon
Condoms: No.

Take us home, Tiffany! Wait, she does. In her bedroom, it's just her and her dreams. And some burglar, whom she proceeds to strip and jump on. That's not going to do much to discourage crime.

Mason is probably the most mainstream-attractive woman on the disc (and the only woman of color). She kind of resembles Maya Rudolph of Saturday Night Live, if you squint. She is also one of the most passionate women on the disc, very vocal and involved - interesting, since her character is a self-admitted virgin (yeah, of course).

Full marks to Joel for keeping the ski mask on the entire scene.

Funniest moment of the disc happens at the end of this scene: While in a spooning position, he shoots his load onto her face, which she clearly didn't expect. In between moans she lets out a surprised, "Oh Jesus."