GENRE: Gonzo Compilation
DIRECTORS: Rick Davis
STARS: Nico, Tyce Bune, Monica Sweetheart, Barrett Blades, Domino, John West, Julie Knight, Dick Delaware, Corinna Taylor, Sergio, Lacy Lee, Shane Collins
DATES OF PRODUCTION: 2004
LENGTH: 134 mins with bonus material

It must be true what they say about men. Apparently, when it comes to porn, they'll watch just about anything. Now, this is not to dismiss the occasional gal who slides up to a suck and fuck fest and gets her ruddy rocks off. Nope, this deals directly with the widely held stereotype that guys will stare at almost anything labeled hardcore because it plays directly into their instinctual desire to diddle with their dick. This would explain a great deal about the current state of the adult industry. Thanks to the ability to cheaply film, edit and distribute XXX material (either via DVD or the Internet) smut no longer needs to be clean, safe, sensitive, passionate, professionally shot, expertly performed, feature attractive people or even interesting. Indeed, thanks to the flood of fornication fodder, more and more porn is becoming less and less interesting. Take Lick 'Em and Stick 'Em, a new title from Cherry Boxxx subsidiary Baby Doll Pictures. Functioning under the directive of presenting barely legal ladies (ages in range from 18 to 24) and rock hard humping, this six-scene compilation is an example of adult material at its most mundane. It's almost as if this provider of pulchritude has done a great deal of market research, funded a few focus groups and analyzed all the stiffee statistics before coming to the following cum conclusions: a dude will watch any waifish wench pork some stunt prick in the name of nastiness. And as long as you, the lewd love launcher, achieve the basic level of balling and babe-ness in your product, you've met the requirements for a fundamental hardcore title.

Well, the Dirge is here to inform these naughty newbies that the purposeful product placement of pornography does not necessarily lead to red-hot filthiness. And your Lick 'Em and Stick 'Em is a perfect example of this. Not only is this skin flick flaccid in the groin-growing department for the home audience, but a few of your performers also suffer from a lack of "attention" to their duties. And when you can't get the hired help to pop some wood for your wantoness, you're in big trouble.

The DVD:
Taking on a format that is becoming far too formulaic in the compilation collection, Lick 'Em and Stick 'Em contains six scenes, each one beginning in the exact same way. Our director, one Rick Davis, does a little Q&A with the female talent as they prepare for their performance. Most have something insightful to say, but this is really just standard stalling until the penis is properly prepared. Once the wiener is ready to rock and roll – and sometimes that stiffness never really arrives - the sex can begin. For the most part, these segments are presented with minimal cuts and framed in extreme close-up. Also fairly consistent throughout the compositions of carnality is a definite "little girl/big man" vibe. Each actress here is paired with a performer who either towers over her in the arena of physicality, experience or age. This is surely something the filmmakers figured in advance: they must want to provide a jailbait/school girl dimension to their prick and pink pairings. It's almost interesting. Individually, we are presented with the following fuck configurations:

Scene 1: Nico, Tyce Bune
Age Claimed: 19
Age Actually Looks Like: 19
Q&A Revelation: She failed to cum when she had sex for the first time.
Nico, who is one of the few performers in this collection that actually looks – and more importantly, ACTS – like the age she claims to be, is questioned for several minutes by our unseen inquisitors. They marvel at her body. They praise her real breasts. They drool over her supple ass. After the twice over thrice, Tyce steps in and offers up some professional pud for the professed amateur to slurp on. She does a decent job of sucking his cock, using lots of ball and shaft action. Tyce chows on her chest for a while before attempting the first fornication position. Quickly, the couple moves through cowgirl (with some anal fingering), reverse cowgirl and doggy. Many times throughout the course of the canoodling, Mr. Bune removes his bone from its hot honey hole to let Nico nosh on it. The final fucking occurs in the straight sex position with Tyce providing our barely legal lady a decent cum moustache when he's finished. Tyce is one of those actors who uses his long career in carnality to control and manipulate a scene and he helps Nico over some rather rough spots. She doesn't have the reverse cowgirl convention down pat, nor is she that versed in the dynamics of doggy. And dammit, if she doesn't stare directly into the camera, fucking up the fantasy aspect time and time again. But in combo, the couple manages some manic heat, making this one of the better scenes on the DVD. Score: 5.5 out of 10.

Scene 2: Monica Sweetheart, Barrett Blades
Age Claimed: 21
Age Actually Looks Like: 26
Q&A Revelation: She is from the Czech Republic!
Someone needs to check this Slav skank's papers ASAP. Claiming to be 21, but looking more like an old hand at hump histrionics (perhaps foreign women just look more hardened and mature. Right.) her pairing with Barrett Blades is interesting, if not a little inert. Monica begins with her Q&A and then offers up a little cabaret for the camera. Then Barrett blasts in like he's just ' cum' off the set of another film and latches onto Ms. Sweetheart's chest sacks. After some substantial sucking, Monica makes for the meat and brazenly blows the boy. After deep throating and some gagging, Mr. Blades flicks Monica's clit with a healthy session of snatch snacking. Straight sex then ensues, with Ms. Sweetheart insisting on checking the chubby for flavorfullness (thanks to lots of V to M). The duo then delves into doggy and that position's mandatory companion piece, reverse cowgirl. Barrett finally delivers his groin gravy all over Monica's nose and mouth. Suggesting what the rest of the scenes on this compilation will resemble, Barrett and his babe make nice with the nookie, but really fail to engage any engorging. Not that both performers don't try their best, but through a combination of Rick Davis' pedestrian direction and the claustrophobic environment of the prison cell set (obvious left over from another production) the eros turns awkward. Still, this is also a decent dick and chick combo, much better than what will be coming up next. Score: 4.5 out of 10

Scene 3: Domino, John West
Age Claimed: ???
Age Actually Looks Like: early 30s
Q&A Revelation: There are several directors that she wants to fuck!
Domino is one of those loud, brash bitches that simply wants her orifices filled, no questions asked. She can barely keep her hands off of – and OUT of – herself as she answers a few suggestive questions. As she jacks her junction box for the camera, she hopes for a big hard man to satisfy her craving for cock. Too bad she ends up with John West, a decent enough dude with some substantial taffy turmoil. Fully erect when he begins, Johnny loses his log rigidity throughout the course of the copulation, such saggy shaft circumstances commenting on both the quality of the sex and the flat-chested harpy he's having to hump. Most men would probably sympathize with the peter performance problems Mr. West is having, since Domino is very unattractive. Still, she tries to sell this bland, soft sex scene with a combination of yells, screams and position shifts. We witness cunnilingus, female to male oral, deep throating, cowgirl, a sit and spin move to the reverse range riding mode, some oral backdoor action, doggy and straight sex. Yet for most of the monkey noise moments, John maintains a doughy dick, pliable and buckling under the female superior situations. Between Ms. D's horrible horse face and West's weak wiener, this is a terrible scene. Score: 2 out of 10

Scene 4: Julie Knight, Dick Delaware
Age Claimed: 21
Age Actually Looks Like: 31
Q&A Revelation: She gives the best head in three counties!
One has to wonder what kind of hard ass life Julie Knight could have had to give her a face like a skid row barmaid. Even as she claims a far younger age, this obvious veteran of the shuck and skive circuit looks tired and well tapped. After her less than revealing interview, Dickie Delaware steps in and starts his non-stop chattering. Indeed, this dude mumbles and mutters throughout the entire scene, wearing out words like "Fuck", "God", "Damn" and "Shit" during the course of his running commentary. Julie does blow him six ways to sin city, giving his lumber lots of deep throat gagging and nut suckling. The couple then combines to perform some jack-hammering cowgirl (Dick really delivers a pussy pounding) with complimentary V to M. As a matter of fact, Julie positions herself on her back in a rather prone position and Mr. D drills his cock into her craw for some ferocious face fucking. For the first time in the collection, the cunt is ignored as the ass is explored. Dick drives his dong into Ms. Knight's dumper for some sharp anal pile driving (even offering up some gaping kookmahl shots for the camera). Julie also opens up her snatch for a few gynecologist-friendly exposures. After a session of anal reverse cowgirl and a seemingly unhealthy move to vaginal scissors, Dick delivers his drippings directly into Julie's mouth. Since this is really just a no nonsense scene of intense hardcore sex, with both Dick and Julie giving their A-game for the segment, this is the best bumping and grinding in this otherwise ordinary compilation. Nothing less...and sadly, nothing more. Score: 6 out of 10

Scene 5: Corinna Taylor, Sergio
Age Claimed: 20
Age Actually Looks Like: 25
Q&A Revelation: Has never had sex with a Peruvian before!
The last two scenes in this compilation pack a pedestrian one-two punch of passionless bush pushing, dooming Lick 'Em and Stick 'Em to a place in the substandard section of the XXX shopping cart. Corinna starts off this scene in a sex swing, one of those overly complicated block and tackle ensembles that looks like a medieval torture device combined with a weight loss gizmo. The director suggests that Sergio start the scene in this demented device and he walks right up to Ms. Taylor, moves her underwear aside, and shoves his stogie directly into her dry dock – no lubricant or joy juice whatsoever. Once they remove the Miss from the mysterious mounting machine, the same old sex shit happens. There is a little foreplay and oral (for both guy and gal). There is cowgirl, doggy and straight vaginal, all with accompanying V to M. Sergio slams the door on further diddling by launching a load all over Corinna's face. About as exciting as a wet fart and filled with fornication filler, there is nothing going on between Ms. Taylor and this South American paramour. They produce no heat and seem to finish before they really start. Score: 1.5 out of 10

Scene 6: Lacy Lee, Shane Collins
Age Claimed: 21
Age Actually Looks Like: 28
Q&A Revelation: That she doesn't have a brain in her sex starved head!

Lacy Lee has a really big problem. Actually, there are TWO of them. Whoever handled this woman's hooter overhaul is hopefully doing time in a hardcore prison camp for advanced mammary medical malpractice. While she is lying on the bed discussing her life, she looks almost normal. But when she rises up to start the sex shenanigans, her creepy cans start coming to life. Before you know it, Ms. Lee has a couple of the most misshapen, mangled breast implants staring you directly in the dick, and your poor petrified peter is doing a turtle take, shrinking up and into your body to find non-erotic refuge. The whole time she is working on and with Shane, from the blowjob with ball and shaft shimmying to the cunt cuisine with self-fingering, your eyes are fixated on those bungled boobies. But the worst is yet to come, since it's not until she goes through the dick and douche dynamics of straight, pile driver, doggy and spooning (all with complimentary twat to tongue) that we see the full extent of the damage. One tit is obviously swollen solid, barely able to move, while the other has a long line of scar tissue running from the areola to the underside of the curve. As she feigns affection and sexual stimulation, you are reaching for the remote and hoping to find another helping of healthy man-made melons on the DVD set. Sadly, none are to be found. This scene is not passionate: it's painful. Lacy's body issues really make for some revolting XXX moments. While it's not really her fault (she's not the surgeon who fucked up her features) why she is exposing her problems for the porn world to witness is a very unappetizing issue. It sure screws up this segment. Score: 0 out of 10

Unless you fall into the fuck film formula envisioned by all the adult material providers in the industry, you will find very little to languish over with Lick 'Em and Stick 'Em. This is definitely a title that is wagering on the fact that you will sit through any kind of hardcore action just as long as it has ladies being lanced and lunched on by domineering men. Sometimes, the paltry premise works (Scene 1 2 and 4 offer up some sizzle for your skin flick dollar). But the overall lack of any real chemistry between the performers and the careless camera craft of Director Davis (who hasn't found a porking position he can't muck up with his half-assed framing) makes Lick 'Em and Stick 'Em a decidedly sad entree into the sex film scene. All issues of attractiveness (the demonic Domino) or physicality (Lacy's gross gazangas) aside, this is just basic balling with no desire to offer up anything remotely novel or new. Like the old stag reels of the 40s and 50s, we're treated to bland, basic performers going through the same old mandated motions, all in the attempts to generate a little hardcore heat. Yet smut lovers tend to want something a little more inventive for their carnal cash than six scenes of standard sex. Sure, the interview material could be viewed as something relatively original, since the obvious objective is to allow the home viewer to get to know the actress in the non-Biblical sense. But it really does add very little to the prick to pussy penetration parameters of this DVD. Lick 'Em and Stick 'Em is low-end porn. And if you don't mind sex on the simple side, you'll probably make the marketing men at Baby Doll Pictures very happy.

The Video:
Offered in a direct to digital 1.33:1 full screen transfer, Lick 'Em and Stick 'Em never betrays its humble, homemade origins. The fleshtones are fine, the colors are correct and there are none of the obvious defects – flaring, halos – that come with camcorder productions. While the lack of nuance means that the lighting is flat and every personal flaw is accentuated, the image still looks very good for a more or less gonzo production.

The Audio:
Sonically, there is nothing really outstanding or disgusting about the aural elements to this DVD. While the interview material can be hit or miss (the gal being interviewed causes the majority of the decibel dilemmas) the overall package is crisp and clear and the Dolby Digital Stereo is hiss and/or distortion free.

The Extras:
Another amazing aspect to this DVD package is the absolute lack of bonus material. Indeed, the XXXtras, as they are called here, consist of phone sex ads, website links and a very bizarre near-infomercial length look into surgical penis enlargement. As our Joe Jock Everyman talks with his buddy about his boner operation, hardcore sex scenes are inter-cut into the discussion, as if the minute he walked out of post-op, our once inadequate male was mastering the fine art of reverse cowgirl like a hyper-limber porn professional. But with no trailers or bonus scenes to increase the significant smut value, this is a bare bones presentation (and NO, a still gallery does not count as added content).

Final Thoughts:
As a name, Lick 'Em and Stick 'Em is provocative and teasing. But as an actual film, this tame collection of far too similar sex scenes has very little to celebrate. Guys looking for basic balling without a lot of story or situational supplements will find more than enough here to jack their johnson over. But the quality of the quackenbush is more or less mediocre and nothing more than a rental should be attempted. On the Disco Dirge Peter Meter, this lukewarm lewdness rates a 4 out of 10 and should be a charter and overnight return only. Couples will probably enjoy the non-aggressive approach, as well as all that hunky male beefcake on display, so a Cohabitation Certification is awarded. But make no mistake about its intentions. Lick 'Em and Stick 'Em is meant to cater to the basic needs of the hardcore fan. There is no attempt to do anything freaky or flamboyant. It trades on the questionable youth of its female leads to add a layer of innocence to the miscreant mix. But the overall effect is neither stimulating nor sedate. Guys looking for a good set of starter scenes could do a lot worse than picking up a copy of Lick 'Em and Stick 'Em. But for anyone else, well versed in the universe of hardcore and all its voluminous variations, this generic clip comp is nothing to flip your prick over.