GENRE: Gonzo Masturbation Compilation
DIRECTORS: Tyrone Shuz
STARS: Lilly Thai, Mandy Bright, Barbara, Essy, Harmoney
DATES OF PRODUCTION: 2004
LENGTH: 145 mins with bonus material

Now, no one ever accused the adult entertainment industry of being the most upfront of legitimate businesses. After all, this is the realm of the re-release and excessive compilation crafting for the sake of a buck we are talking about. But at least you want a title to offer up what it says it centers upon. If you pick up a DVD of all anal action and the most butt bonanza you get is a single scene towards the end, you'd be crying sexual shenanigans on the whole ordeal. Call it truth in advertising or avoiding the bait and switch, but a collection of cum shots shouldn't waste time with blowjobs, bed romps or ball peen ass pounding. A girl-on-girl extravaganza should not contain a couple of dudes double penetrating a pussy. If you're going to claim, like a carnival barker, a singular world of wicked wonders inside your porn peep freak show, then make sure you're star attraction lives up to its publicized billing. Which naturally leads us to She Squirts 12. While the Dirge is unable to speak to installments 1 through 11, he can say this about the even dozen offering from New Sensations and Digital Sin: the title is a trick.

Avoiding the claim of fraud in the inducement and in factum, She Squirts 12 does indeed feature a single gal gushing like her insides are a lewd levy, the pressure of pleasure causing a stream of lady liquid to occasionally flow like 10 cent champagne. Only problem is, there are four other actresses in this anthology and most are as arid as the hot Mojave. With one woman out of five erupting like an erotic volcano and only one other who kind of leaks a little, this is not the all out female waterfall it pretends to be. With a title lie like She Squirts, you expect the gals to give up the gratuitous gravy on a fairly consistent basis. Instead, it's just a masturbation movie with the climactic proof missing from most of the sequences.

The DVD:
OK, let's lay down some hardcore ground rules here. You will not find any fucking in She Squirts 12 (unless you consider the multiple insertion of sex toys into twat and/or rectum actual fornication). There are no real, live penises, meaning there are no overly hung men for these gals to go gaga (or gag) over. The basic set up for each scene is as follows: the featured actress talks to the camera, treating it like the viewer at home. She does a little carnal cabaret and if she's not already nude, she strips off her clothes in a semi-scintillating manner. After giving her groin a finger fleecing, the dildos and vibrators come cascading out of the woodwork. Before you know it, the ladies are larding their insides with elephant-sized plastic and rubber novelties. Jacking themselves off with a powerful piston action that can best be described as digging a whole to China combined with stomping a bug on a rug, cheater crams cooter until something gives – either the resolve of the autoerotic gals or the fluid foundations of their sugar walls. Once the orifice elongating is over, and the scene is spritzed (if such a snatch shower results) we then move onto the next inanimate object for insertion, or the subsequent sweetie waiting to wet herself on purpose.

If you love masturbation scenes, you will definitely enjoy She Squirts 12. If you think touching oneself is just the hardcore hors d'oeuvres in preparation for a big hearty entry of XXX man meat, then She Squirts will be a paltry repast at best. In many ways, it's like an infomercial for all manner of fake phalluses and self-stimulation devices. The babes run the gamut in the pantheon of substitute shafts and the last minute introduction of Seymore Butt's favorite cunt cracker, the Sybian, provides more promise than the talent can ever deliver. Though it's safe to say that each of the ladies here is well versed in fluffing their own nutter, you've really got to be into the dynamics of dickless diddling to enjoy She Squirts 12. Instead of a cavalcade of cunt liquor, what we end up with is a nearly dry county of clit flicking and snatch shafting.

Scene 1: Lilly Thai
Toys Used: Huge Red Dildo, Huge Life Like Faux Penis, Huge Life Like Black Ersatz Cock, Regulation Sized Pseudo-Pecker
Pussy Stretching: To the MAX
Ass Extending: None
Number of Female Ejaculations: A veritable quinella – 5, count 'em 5!
Anything Unusual: Lilly's incredibly long nipples and genital piercing.
Score: 6 out of 10
As the only legitimate slit sprayer in the bunch, Lilly's scene is a standout on She Squirts 12. As if to make up for the other less than liquid babes, Ms. Thai is a literal fountain of fuck fluid as her privates become a seltzer bottle to sex. Obviously an expert at banging her box with objects larger than her arm (!) Lilly runs through several self-starter situations before bringing on the brine! The end result is a decent scene that shows what this DVD COULD have been, had the rest of the participants been as equally runny. But it's up to this petite Asian sprinkler to keep the title from being a complete hoax.

Scene 2: Mandy Bright
Toys Used: Huge Life Like Faux Penis, Big Black Bang Stick
Pussy Stretching: Over and Above the Call of Coochie
Ass Extending: None
Number of Female Ejaculations: A little bit of dripping faucet syndrome - .005

Anything Unusual: Mandy's Legend of Leigh Bowery lip job
Score: 2 out of 10
One has to admit, Mandy's got a major league love canal. This lady is LARGE. Barry Bonds would have a hard time hitting one out of her ballpark bush. And just so we understand how bottomless her passion pit is, she spends the majority of this scene with not one, not two, but three items crammed into her roomy womb. A combination of two deadly looking dildos as well as most of her left hand means that Ms. Bright's beaver is stretched to a limit that no load bearing equipment could possibly record. Too bad she only weeps a little seepage from in between the toys. It would have made the scene that much more sensual to see her toss some twat tinkle.

Scene 3: Barbara
Toys Used: Cherry Red Vibrator, Huge Life Like Faux Penis
Pussy Stretching: Borderline Breaking Point
Ass Extending: None
Number of Female Ejaculations: As dry as most British humor – 0
Anything Unusual: Slow motion pile driving.
Score: 1 out of 10
You would figure that a porn DVD that was going to cheat on its core concept would avoid boring finger-banging as too much for the fooled fan to care about. But here is Barbara, like she's posing for some manner of softcore sex film, doing a bit of burlesque before getting down to the specifics of shifting her sands. When she finishes with the digital manipulation, she places a prick placebo in her pussy and slowly churns her barely bubbling butter. This goes on forever and then the scene fades away. Barb barely breaks a sweat and you really can't tell if she's loosening her juice or ramrodding herself to sleep. Either way, we too get very droopy eyed watching her leisurely lunge her loins.

Scene 4: Essy
Toys Used: Super-sized Black Dildo, Huge Life Like Faux Penis, Pocket Rocket, Seymore's Pal - the Sybian
Pussy Stretching: Well Within her Bawdy Boundaries

Ass Extending: Yes
Number of Female Ejaculations: Like Arizona in August – 0
Anything Unusual: Essy's saggy baggy elephant tits
Score: 2 out of 10
You've got to give Essy points for trying – actually, make that 1 point for effort. She is attempting to produce cunt cum by any and all means necessary and no matter how hard she hits it, she still can't make with the wanton water. There is a moment in this scene where she sticks a mega-member up her ass and ratchets her bush button with a tiny titillator until it looks like she's going to pop and yet she still can't create the sexual secretions. By the time she is straddling the high horsepower Syb, you half expect for her to douche until she dehydrates. But she barely produces a puddle. Like all the other scenes in this collection – outside of the first – Essy exhibits some of the skills to pay part of the bills, but can't cash the carnal cashier's check when it comes to snatch spitting. She's all build-up and ersatz climax, without a lick of liquid to prove she's pleased.

Scene 5: Harmoney
Toys Used: Large Purple Pussy Pumper, Huge Life Like Faux Penis, Huge Life Like Vibrating Faux Penis, Pocket Rocket, Seymore's Pal - the Sybian
Pussy Stretching: Waiting to exhale...
Ass Extending: None
Number of Female Ejaculations: A Pure Tumbleweed Connection – 0
Anything Unusual: Harmoney's uneven face/body makeup
Score: 2 out of 10
Harmoney poses a myriad of problems with her strange scene. She seems like a bawdy browser in an adult toy store, systematically moving through the piles of playthings trying to find the one that will tickle her twat. She quickly grows bored with each new dick substitute and it's not long before she's plowing her pelt, convoluting her clit and making more noises than a monkey house at mating season while trying to locate a decent dong drill. And yet she can't produce a single squirt. Even when she too takes to Sybian for a little pummel horse hoedown, she can't make the juices flow. All we are left with is an overly made-up face that doesn't match the rest of her varied skin tone (she looks like a normal woman with a china doll's head) and far too many experiments with the hardcore hardware. While she does enjoy petting her privates, she also fails to make a fluid contribution.

Now, the Dirge finds female ejaculation to be a very tricky sex subject. In the instances where he has seen it (Taylor Hayes in the Seymore Butts films, Nicole Sheridan in several of her films) he has found it fascinating and erotic. There have been other times, however, when the whole fetish seemed strangely unappetizing. Maybe it was the gal doing the gushing, or the circumstances under which she was spewing, but there hasn't been a consistent "rise" in the critic's proclivities since he first experienced the fine art of feminine fountains. She Squirts 12 was supposed to be a kind of libidinous litmus test for the entire sore subject. It was a guaranteed two hours plus of women whooshing like waterfalls. Instead, only Lilly Thai delivers the drenching while the rest of the wasted wenches here can barely break a burble. This DVD promised ponds full of pussy puree and instead, it's mostly masturbation and teasing strip cabaret. Guys who love to see women working themselves into a lather will probably enjoy this title. But if we can send a man to the moon, decipher the human genome and create carb-conscious ice cream, why in the name of God's green Earth can't we make a movie where every performer in each scene passes copious amounts of love liquid? It can't be that hard: have an open casting call for girls who spurt and then film them flooding the soundstage. The fucking flim flam horseshit offered here is just not satisfying. True, one gal does indeed do the dew, so at least the title SHE Squirts 12 is accurate. But for anyone looking to explore the realm of snatch streaming, this is NOT the title to test your tolerance.

The Video:
Visually, She Squirts 12 is a very good looking DVD. The 1.33:1 full screen image is clear, crisp and colorful. It has excellent fleshtones (something home made movies often avoid for purely technical reasons) and sufficient contrasts so that details are not lost. Tyrone Shuz direction relies a little too heavily on the extreme close-up (you will occasionally feel like a freelance gynecologist during several of the scenes) and this causes some minor focus issues. But overall, the transfer is professional and occasionally very pretty.

The Audio:
Utilizing the Dolby Digital Stereo for a little channel specific sonics (voices often shift from left to right for no real reason) while always keeping the decent light jazz-funk soundtrack in check, the aural attributes here are fine. The internal mic on the camcorder will sometimes fail to pick up what a performer is saying, but for the most part, we are witness to all the soundtrack situations we could ever need or want.

The Extras:
For a title involving female fluidity and masturbation, the inclusion of a standard hardcore guy-on-gal bonus scene seems a little out of place here. Still, we are given the following added fucking:

Bonus Scene: Terri, Mario Rossi
From: Big Cock Seductions 12
Director: Amigo Sanchez
(2004)
Terri is taking a shower and this very wet cabaret is the only bit of juice we see in this XXX bonus sequence. After toweling off, she welcomes Mario into her boudoir. The two begin kissing and fondling, taking their foreplay to a very passionate level. Mario then eats Terri – using his fingers to feel out her folds - and Ms. T blows him in gratitude. They engage in straight sex (with lots of V to M), Reverse and Regular Cowgirl and even a little doggy pile driver and scissors. Mario eventually loses his load and Terri gets a face and mouthful. There is nothing really wrong with the scene. Terri and Mario are a nice match and each one is forthright in the fuck and suck department. But Sanchez's scattershot direction, on top of a bad case of editing INTO positions, means a lot of the heat recedes in the hardcore department. While it's nice to finally see some real cock on cunt in this DVD, this scene is not the greatest example of daring dick dynamics. Score: 5/10

Additional extras include a set of trailers (nothing really new or novel here) and advertisement for the New Sensations/Digital Sin website (*sigh*) a pointless photo gallery and a behind the scenes featurette. Mostly a Q&A with the stars, we do get to learn some fascinating details about our participants. Lilly, for all her Asian beauty, occasionally slips back into her hard Texas drawl. Mandy discusses the difference between European and American porn while Harmoney longs for her South Florida home. Essy is perhaps the most personable here, playing to the camera and teasing the photographers as they snap her picture. While we don't learn a great deal about what goes on inside the making of a porno movie, we are introduced to a few nice girls who just want to have sex on screen for money. What's so wrong with that?

Final Thoughts:
She Squirts 12 is a lie. It's a sham. It's a travesty of a lie of a sham of a lie of a travesty of a sham. It publicly states it will offer up several scenes of unbridled disgorging, and yet when it comes time to cum, these so-called professionals end up arid. Though it pains him to say it, the Dirge is still going to call this a rental, since he understands that there are guys out there who enjoy a good jack-off compilation. And if it's anything, She Squirts 12 is a decent collection of self-serving Misses. On the Disco Dirge Peter Meter, this title gets 3 out of 10 and should only be an overnight respite. It's hard to imagine the couples that will copulate after watching women stress test their twats with toys so large they perhaps should be registered as deadly weapons. Therefore, a Cohabitation Certification is withheld. The next time he sees a moniker like She Squirts on the review marquee, the Dirge will think twice before making a request. There was not enough moisture in the movie to warrant the liquid label. Instead of selling us on the novelty of girl gushing, they should have stuck to the basics – i.e. toys for twats – and be done with it. She Squirts 12 is a complete letdown in the loose juice department. Otherwise, it's just above average autoerotic manipulation.