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This Ain’t Terminator XXX

Hustler Video

Genre: Parody, Feature, Comedy

Director/Writer: Axel Braun

Cast: Juelz Ventura, Billy Glide, Alex Gonz, Melina Mason, Brett Rossi, Leya Falcon, Dick Delaware, Julia Ann, Bailey Blue, Brendon Miller
Non-sex roles: Sabrina Maree, Shylar Cobi, Andy Appleton

Length: 101:25 minutes

Date of Production: 2012

Extras: The first disc had the usual spam and FSC commercial, followed by a slide show, some trailers, more spam, and a 17:35 minute long set of interviews. The second disc was primarily taken up by the 3D version of the movie, using the anaglyph process to simulate some depth.

Condoms: None

Audio/Video Quality: This Ain’t Terminator XXX was presented in 1.78:1 anamorphic widescreen as shot by director Axel Braun for Hustler Video. Unlike some of Axel’s bigger budget releases, this one looked like it was shot in two days on a shoestring budget in between some of his better works. The lighting was mixed due to some of the settings needing a darker look such as the alleyway, the club, and the warehouse, but aside from the loose editing it was not all that bad looking in 2D. The 3D version did not use the format all that well either, the effects on the very cheap side due in part to using the very outdated red/blue anaglyph system but also because there was not a lot of provided depth to work with as in some of the other releases of recent times. The aural aspects of the movie included a 2.0 Dolby Digital soundtrack, the 224 Kbps bitrate not provided with much other than generic music and some vocals that sounded as if they were added in post production, the ambient noises not matching up quite right in either version (2D or 3D) though better than other attempts at the depth enhanced process.

Body of Review: Axel Braun has made major inroads to ascending the porn pantheon as leader of porn parodies, some of his more ambitious projects coming out of Hustler Video. His latest collaboration with them is a modest project called This Ain’t Terminator XXX, the mainstream version from decades ago hailed as a major reason for Arnold Schwarzenegger becoming an action star, then governor. The basic premise of the movie is a cyborg is sent back to the past to killer the human resistance leader’s mother so he will never be born, much of that skimpy theme tossed aside in order to focus on the sexual exploits of the small cast. As a huge fan of the original, and the short story that inspired it by Harlan Ellison, I can safely say that this porn parody is more akin to the first porn version shot in the 80’s called “The Sperminator”. With wildly hammy acting by Brendon “Kyle Reese” Miller and Bailey “Sarah Connor” Blue, Dick Delaware as the destructive machine was about as close as one could hope for, the situations and aspects pornified for this version more of a spoofy comedic tribute than a close parody with sex added. On the plus side, the movie did have Xcritic bloggers Melina Mason and Leya Falcon adding some sexual antics to the mix but neither was allowed a full range (Leya giving a blowjob and Melina sharing some sexy lesbian love) of tricks to own the movie as it were. The back cover described the movie like this: “A horny cyborg is sent from the future to kill Sarah Connor, a young woman whose life will have a great impact on humanity in years to come. Thank fully, the terminator has one weakness: Pussy. From award-winning director Axel Braun comes a new hilarious 3D spoof that will once again raise the bar for porn parodies!” Here’s a brief look at the scenes by cast and action, noting that no condoms were used for those still interested:

Scene One: Juelz Ventura, a lean little fuck bunny with lots of tattoos, was up first as a hooker in a decrepit ally servicing Billy Glide and Alex Gonz. They pawed her and gobbled her gash and ass, Juelz sucking them with some hand to gland action as she throated them with ease. The trampy look worked well for her given the lighting, the gal bending over to take their cocks vaginally one at a time as she slobbed their knobs when not getting stuffed. Juelz focused more on the meat she was devouring than providing eye contact but it was not a bad tryst overall, just limited as they unleashed their wads of genetic juice on her boobs while she knelt in front of them.

Scene Two: Melina Mason, the latest Xcritic blogger, and curvy blond Brett Rossi, were up next in the strip club making out on the stage to provide their latest customer (the cyborg) an inspirational show. They slowly undressed and kissed, some titty play and caresses resulting in the ladies going down on each other, their eye contact showing some chemistry between them as they fingered each other’s wet slits in front of the uncredited crowd. There was face sitting and some ass play too, but no loads of population pudding split despite the largely attentive (but bored) crowd in the background.

Scene Three: Leya Falcon, a lean blond with awesome hand and mouth skills, was up next as she aggressively blew Dick Delaware near the stag. While she started slowly, her tempo increased as she lubed up his rod with her saliva, her energy levels and enthusiasm draining his balls dry as the Xcritic blogger satisfied the hulking muscle man in the noisy bar. She kept on her red satin bikini undies and such, taking the massive round of spunk to her chest and mouth, the guy still sporting a boner as she pulled his shorts up.

Scene Four: Julia Ann, a totally sexy MILF dressed in a luxuriously silky red robe and matching undies, was up next having hired a beefcake escort to entertain her for the evening. By chance, Dick Delaware was the one knocking on the door though, the babe believing him to be the one sent to service her for pay rather than a cyborg on a mission of death from the future. She was all over him like he donated to her puppy rescue efforts, whipping out his pecker to savor it using her hand and mouth in unison. While she did look up at him on occasion, she concentrated her focus on that turgid boner, even using her luscious tits on it before vaginally and anally riding him like she was on fire. Her cowgirl positions were most active though I enjoyed the doggy at least as much, Dick tossing out his splooge all over her sweet ass before they were interrupted.

Scene Five: Bailey Blue, the sexy blond featured on the front cover, was up last in a darkened warehouse with clueless Brendon Miller. They were close to one another as she grabbed his package, his surprise indicative of the character though she was wrapping her lips around his rod to blow in record time on her knees. He took awhile to get hard despite her efforts but he gave her some head on the desk before some fairly active vaginal riding took place, intermittent oral added in as well with the scene finishing up when he launched his ball batter all over her lower abdomen (with perhaps the funniest moment of the movie, regarding her Facebook status, placed in as a cute flashback).

Summary: This Ain’t Terminator XXX by director Axel Braun for Hustler Video was worth a rating of Rent It for me, the sex alone worth more but the clumsy feature elements and acting falling far short of the advertised “hilarious”. The cast of ladies was attractive enough for any guy, sultry Melina Mason and orally skilled Leya Falcon standing out as did fan favorite Julia Ann, but for a parody to truly connect it has to offer more than just a handful of decent sex scenes and this one did not. Brendon admitting in his interview that he was providing a Bruce Willis type of approach to the role of Kyle Reese made me wince, although I winced more when I saw him in action as such, and I can honestly say that Axel has directed far better movies in the last couple of years than this one. In short then, This Ain’t Terminator XXX added a touch of special effects, some mindful nods to the 80’s, and some beautiful ladies for your stroking pleasure, just don’t expect too much or you will be as disappointed as I was by the time the final credits rolled.