Upon glancing at the utterly amateur DVD menu for
“Squirteens,” I could instantly tell that I was in for something painful. Sure,
I enjoy porno that shows gorgeous squirting, but when a DVD menu sucks, there’s
likelihood the porno will suck, too. It’s not always a hard and fast rule
though as is proven by Axel Braun’s “Squirteens” which is shockingly pretty
hot, and a great little porno. Sadly though what knocked it down a peg was that
they simply don’t tell us which actress is which. And that proves to be incredibly
difficult to me, because I have to rely on pure guesstimations to describe
which actress is getting banged or rimmed. Thankfully, there introductions and
Axel Braun chats up his performers before every threesome, which doesn’t take
away from the quality, since Braun gladly isn’t a douche bag and barely
interferes. Wrong, Axel, my dream is not to see Evan Valentine suck a guy’s
cock, but to get sucked by Evan.

Squirt One: Evan
Valentine, Emma Cummings

Evan is warming her feet by a fire, and Emma is preparing to
experiment her last name on her mate who sits hard and ready to go. Braun
interviews three of the performers who happen to be foreigners, and as guessed,
they’re raring to go. Shut the fuck up Axel and let them fuck, if I wanted to
know their stories I’d ask for an interview. Ironically, there are no
interviews on the extras. Bwah? After some simple conversation, Evan is being
caressed and fondled by her mate on the couch. Evan leans over to Emma to make
out with her and their male counterpart has his shaft rubbed up and down as he
undresses Emma from her schoolgirl outfit and yanks her by her tie. After more
talking, they finally get down to work; Evan immediately begins sucking cock,
and switches off with Emma frequently to suck off their mate as his balls get
rubbed softly. Emma goes to work on the cock and looks damn good going down as
Evan is rubbed and licked at the edge of the couch. Evan is then picked up and
begins riding her mate’s cock slowly, and abruptly gets off as Emma leans over
again to suck him off. Evan and Emma are utterly beautiful, and they really get
into this threesome, which makes it a wonderful opening for this flick.

Evan finally comes back to get bent over and fucked with her
legs spread, as Emma leans over again and yes, you guessed it, sucks her mate
off. Finally Evan is fucked slowly, and as things heat up, the fucking gets
louder and heavier. In a hot scene, her mate leans over after fucking her, and
begins fingering her heavily, while Emma kisses Evan and licks her clit. We
switch over to Emma who is being pinned down and fingered, all with Evan
kissing and licking her passionately. Emma has her pussy furiously fingered and
jammed, and is fucked long and hard; Emma is leaned over to rim Evan, revealing
her plump ass, while Evan is fucked from behind. Evan then rides the cock for a
while, with Emma watching to lick her mate’s shaft every so often. After no
luck getting Evan to cum (someone better cum already!), Emma is up to the play
getting fucked with her gorgeous ass sticking toward the camera and allows Evan
to ride next. Shit, is someone ever going to cum in this fucking segment? Suffice
it to say after a lot of build-up, and then some (seminal) build up, Emma
finally cums all over the carpet with a heavy scream and some restraining. I
wonder if they’ll blame it on the cat.

Squirt Two: Kylee
King, Jamie Tyler

I hereby nominate the line “Are you going to Share the
Cock?” as the best line in a porno ever. You can almost add that to a bumper
sticker and it’d almost become a slogan for a republican. Are you going to
share the cock? Kylee and Jamie are already naked and seemingly preparing for a
bonafide threesome in the same room our previous performers were in, and
instantly go down on their male counterpart (I can do that trick too, by the
way) who writhes and pulls on Kylee’s pigtails. After some ball sucking and
shaft work, Jamie wins the deep throat award and begins riding her mate’s
rather elongated penis with a mix of pain and sheer pleasure. These girls are beautiful,
they’re tattooed, and they have slim and slender bodies that extend near the
rump, so this is automatically my favorite segment.

You just have to love the expression on Kylee’s face as
Jamie is being fucked. Her mouth is agape and she’s gazing almost as if saying
“Damn, what a fuck!” But she gets her turn and begins riding the cock with
sheer ease as Jamie looks on anxiously. One of the more interesting aspects of
this segment as well is the squeals from Jamie that sound like a baby crying
mixed with a rusty door. It’s both a hot and rather irritating quirk for this
performer that becomes incredibly noticeable once she pops a few squirters
along the floor. Jamie is spread along the couch being fucked raw and giving
her heavy squeals while Kylee leans over to sit on her face. Jamie is fucked
much more than Kylee is and that’s probably a good thing since she’s utterly
fucking hot, but has the most endurance, apparently. As Kylee is fucked heavily
along a couch, Jamie is spread out and cums thanks to the efforts of the
previous male fuck buddy from the first segment. Now there’s a guest spot I’d
be willing to make. “Oh hell, I’ll make her cum, why not?”

Squirt Three: Kandi
Hart

Kandi Hart looks like an eleven year old.
There, I said it. There was something inherently disturbing about this final
segment, and I couldn’t quite put my finger on it, until I really paid
attention to Kandi Hart who simply looks like a little girl who wandered in
there. I know, it’s perverse, but I can’t help but feel a sense of discomfort
at her introduction and bookend segment. Hart is beautiful, but much too
youthful to be bought as an adult let alone a teen. She’s really small, has
small perky tits, no wrinkles, smooth skin and a giggle that seems almost
innocent in its way. The best hook for a porn star, sure, but she seemed very
young. Kandi is bundled up along the couch with her mate watching with a smile
and being spanked softly. She has her clit admired as she just stares with a
far off gaze and is easily turned over to be eaten out.

After trying to decide what her
pussy tastes like, “magic fingers” from the first and second segment eats Kandi
out like caviar as she sits giggling silently. I couldn’t understand why,
really. She’s probably the most submissive of the women in this compilation. And
she doesn’t look to skillful with the cock. Oddly, her mate seems to love it,
but she seemed almost uncomfortable to stick the cock into her mouth at times
and just winged it. She then crawls atop her mate’s lap and is fucked slowly as
he nibbles on her nipples, and then bends her over to fuck her plump ass hard
while she writhes and groans. He then gets creative and fucks her standing up
as she’s straddled onto his waist, and then lays her on the couch to eat her
out. He instead leans over and fingers her into ejaculation as she groans
loudly, and he inserts his cock into her while rubbing on her… and she giggles
again for some reason. It’s a short but sweet finisher.

Odds & Ends

Audio/Visuals:

In the audio department, the sound comes in nice and crisp. The dialogue is
audible, the conversations are coherent, and the body sounds are all very
clear. From spanking, to spitting, and kissing, the audio is great. The picture
however is good but not as good as it should be. Presented in widescreen, the
colors to the overall product are often dull and dim. There’s a peculiar yellow
shade to everything on the screen, and it’s quite distracting.

Goodies:

One of the most interesting flaws of the entire
disc is the noticeably awful DVD menu which looks like it was made on a Mac,
with some cheap trial program to create menus and home movies. Meanwhile, we’re
not given much of anything beyond a still gallery that’s pretty dull, a gallery
of cum shots from each segment, and five trailers to other ExpXXX releases.

After Thought:

This was a really good porno that didn’t
emphasize the whole squirting aspect, but was still a good compilation of
gorgeous women being fucked and fingered into sprinkling orgasms. While the
extras and menu sucks, the movie is entertaining enough.