The Movie

This is not a porno. OK, maybe it is, but only by the barest definition of porn. Marilyn Chambers Presents Guide to...Oral Sex is, in fact, a how-to video for those seeking to give head or muff dive.

It's not bad, per se, but it certainly wasn't what I expected when I popped it in the DVD player. And a warning – when it finally gets to some action, it's really only blow jobs, clit-licking and a 69. There's no sex in the penis-in-vagina-and/or-ass sense. So I hope you like blow jobs.

Scene 1: Intro

Marilyn Chambers wants to talk to you about oral sex. And she wants to do it in a room that makes it seem like an infomercial for a breakthrough in skin care enhancement.

She's nice and a bit playful, but during the first few blow job scenes, Marilyn is talking over the action and actually giving tips. It's no lie – she wants you (or, more likely, your lady friend) to give better head. She even gives a little history on fellatio.

There's a guide to keeping in rhythm and a few tricks on deep throating. Thank goodness someone finally told me how...wait...

Scene 2: Kelly Wells

This is the most subdued I have ever seen Kelly Wells. She's squatting and giving a blow job to a kind of a big guy. And she doesn't talk. This is Kelly Wells who was in Cum Fart Cocktails 4 and she's not screaming obscenities or anything. It's kind of disconcerting.

She gives good head, though, even if it's just head and nothing else. It's about the length of a normal sex scene, but with the emphasis on sucking cock, it does wear a little thin towards the end.

Scene 3: August

This is basically the same scene as before, except now August is giving the vacuum job on the guy, who is now reclining in a chair.

It's a nice scene, but nothing terribly special, unless you could the lack of any other kind of sex.

Scene 4: August and Indian Summer

Marilyn leads in this scene, explaining that women know how to lick pussy better than men, so if you want to learn, you should watch two girls go at it. For those of us who aren't lucky enough to see it happen in person, the video will have to do.

The girls do some in-depth muff diving and the camera stays close in the beginning as we get insight into locating and stimulating the clitoris.

As the scene moves on, Marilyn's voiceover goes away and we're treated to a fairly involved clit licking. August and Indian Summer switch spots so that everybody gets their fortune cookie and it's over. Again, it's nice, but not reason enough to get the disc.

Scene 5: Gia Paloma

In this scene they "put it all together," except it's a 69 and not the humping and pumping you'd expect.

For what it's worth, Gia seems especially into the scene and gives a scorching blowjob to the lucky mook underneath her. And let's give the guy some credit – he was eating hair pie non-stop through the scene, which might have had something to do with her enthusiasm.

The scene ends with a nice pop shot in Gia's mouth. Then Marilyn comes on one more time to tell us she hoped we learned something and that she'd see us next time. Next time what? No offense to Ms. Chambers, but if she shows up the next time I'm getting head, I'll be too freaked out to enjoy it.

Video:

Don't pay attention to the box cover. Marilyn Chambers Presents Guide to...Oral Sex may have been shot in HD widescreen, but what you get isn't high def, nor is it filling the screen. It's letterboxed, it's just not anamorphic and it doesn't stretch from end-to-end of my widescreen TV. Talk about getting less than you paid for.

Audio:

Here's where this film excelled. The sound, while not spectacular, was certainly solid. No external noises. When you're supposed to hear Marilyn speak, you hear it. When the music comes on, you get the music. When wet, sloppy blowjobs are given, you hear the suction.

Extras:

I'm sorry. I'd tell you about the extras but, well, there's none to be found. Oh, wait...it was scared and hiding in the corner. What are you? Just a photo gallery? Stay in the corner, then.

In Other Words...:

If you're looking for an instructional tape on giving oral sex, this is it. If you're looking for a porno, then leave Marilyn Chambers Presents Guide to...Oral Sex on the shelf and find something else. In addition to being just blow jobs and pussy eating, it's short. The whole thing comes in under an hour. The production values are the saving grace for the film, which is why I say Rent It.