GENRE: Straight Feature
DIRECTORS: Roy Karch
STARS: Audrey Hollander, Otto Bauer, Shayla Laveaux, Mika Tan, SharonWild, Tony Tedeschi, Lori Pleasure, Chris Cannon, Steve Hatcher
DATES OF PRODUCTION: 2004
LENGTH: 120 mins with bonus material

One of the time honored traditions in porno is the mainstream title take-off. For decades, the adult industry has mined the names of non-hardcore Hollywood fodder and filled the peep shows with such hilarious entries as The Cockfather, King Dong, Clitoral Encounters of the Third Kind or Taxi Pile Driver. Usually, the new name was merely tacked onto some already-existing product, hoping to lure the tantalized fan into buying the balderdash. With the arrival of video in the 80s, the increase in product demanded an equal explosion of goofy names: Sperms of Endearment, Amade-Ass, Forrest Hump, Ball Street and of course, Who Fucked Roger Rabbit? Even TV shows got into the act, with such humorous handles as Hill Street Blows, Squirty-Something and the classic Gulp-Again's Island suggesting some superior sexcapades. Of course, the truth was much more pedestrian: the reconfiguration of the title was usually the most novel or clever thing about the fuck film featured. But recently, adult filmmakers have tried to match premise with prurience to give their helping of hardcore a serious attempt at satire. In the tradition of such randy rip-offs, SexZPictures has just released The Bedford Wives – obviously derived from Ira Levin's best selling novel, as well as the differing film versions of same (the 1975 incarnation starring Katherine Ross and the 2004 entry featuring Nicole Kidman). Oddly enough, the name is not the only bit of wit in this XXX feature. The script is just as saucy and spicy as the sex.

The DVD:
Surprisingly, the plot of Bedford is a lot like the material it mines, except it takes a far more basic, benevolent approach. The lovely ladies of the tiny community of Bedford have formed a woman's association catering to the nookie needs of the female population. Shayla Laveaux is the head of the group and thanks to a shady deal with a local pharmaceutical concern, she has created a chemical compound called DWP which renders men subservient sex slaves. When Audrey and Otto arrive in town, the red head wants her husband converted. And Lori Pleasure brings her hedonistic husband, Chris, to take a Bedford Syndrome treatment. The result is 5 scenes of hardcore slap-ass fucking. But first, we begin with Audrey and Otto's post U-Haul home life:

Scene 1: Audrey Hollander, Otto Bauer
Celebrating their satisfaction with moving into the cozy little sexual suburb of Bedford, Audrey and Otto talk dirty to each other, using filthier and filthier epithets until they are twisted into a libidinous lather. Otto demands that Audrey service "Little Otto" and the marathon of monkey moves begins. This couple really goes all out, pushing the parameters of porn with their free-for-all flouncing. To begin with, Audrey sucks Otto's cock, licks his balls, takes a few dick slaps to the cheek and let's her hubby fuck her face. After some spitting and vagina touching, Otto dives into the straight sex paradigm. He ups the aggressive ante by sticking his hand in the pussy as well. The couple love to spit on each other like they're cellmates in prison and before you know it, Otto has four fingers and a fatty in Audrey's infinite snatch. Dick moves to dumper in a missionary manner and there is gaping in spades. Otto pretends to choke Audrey and then slaps her around a little (BOO!). Fingers also find room in the rectum and before you know it, Otto is switching between sphincter and slit with abandon. Audrey assumes the bowwow position and finding Otto's ornamentation insufficient to fill her ass, she gets a huge butt plug and inserts it. Mr. Bauer first double penetrates his lady, using the titanic toy as his compadre in carnality. But when Audrey demands more, cock meets mock-up deep inside Ms. Hollander's Hershey highway. The final move is a money shot directly into Audrey's mouth.

Having seen Audrey on a bonus scene for Harder Faster 4, it is safe to say that this girl has some groin musculature issues. You could drive a Buick into her cooch and still have room to park a few bicycles and store your lawn furniture for the long cold winter. How a honey hole gets that big is one of hardcore's own mysteries? How she stays continent is another, since her asshole is equally enormous. So slack that fisting is not only possible, but mandatory for any manner of sensual stimulation, Ms. Hollander looks like she could hanger planes in her butt gauging by the size of her shitter. Apparently, Mr. Bauer doesn't mind sharing love tunnel territory with inanimate objects of indeterminate size and shape. What he does bother with is far too much dirty talk. This real life couple apparently enjoys the verbal jousting of endless patter, but after the 31st "fucking slut whore" or "throbbing dick gristle" comment, you're done for the duration. Yet the couple continues to yak, and such non-stop muttering, as well as the oversized orifices, makes this scene a little suspect. The hardcore is hot. The histrionics are not. Score: 6.5/10

Scene 2: Shayla Laveaux, Mika Tan
Preparing for her workday, Shayla takes a sensual bubble bath with lots of tit soaping and other forms of 'come hither' cabaret. Hoping to train her live-in maid, Mika, in the woman's association leadership ropes, she invites the Asian honey into her hot tub for some lessons in lesbianism. After the kissing and tit play, a rather large dildo emerges and Shayla uses it with vigor on Ms. Tan's twat. Occasionally, the faux phallus gets some chestical coitus and a tantalizing taste or two from both ladies. Shayla finally gives in and lets the plastic prick do the fucking while she gingerly enjoys Mika's mons. Our eager Eastern beaver returns the favor by sucking on Shayla's sacks, fingering her fluff-nutter and enjoying a snack of snatch. Toes are sucked and a weird green toy filled with luminescent goo is given a pussy promenade. After the fucking, both ladies look more than satiated. As same sex scenes go, Shayla and Mika really turn up the heat. Their passionate playfulness meshed with a nice bit of ersatz shaft inspired sharking makes for a wonderful sequence of Sappho sincerity. Score: 7/10

Scene 3: SharonWild, Tony Tedeschi
Checking up on her acquiescent husband at work, Sharon and Tony express their love physically, much to the delight of hardcore fans everywhere. After the standard cabaret as foreplay, Sharon strips and lets Tony eat her ass and pussy. All salad tossing and fur flying aside, the clit gets its lick on before Sharon lunges for Mr. T's love log. An aggressive BJ is enjoyed by all before Tony takes to twat, doggy style. After the pound puppying, it's on to the mish wish as straight sex rounds out the porn playfulness. Tony taps his own keg and blows a boilermaker all over Sharon's mouth and face. One of the nicest, most ardent scenes in the piece, Sharon and Tony match up well together. While we are supposed to be watching a man in complete service of a woman, there is a mutual amorous agreement to the aardvarking that definitely comes across onscreen. Score: 7/10

Scene 4: Lori Pleasure, Chris Cannon
In a song by the Pretenders, Chrissie Hynde once lamented that the subject of her rant "was going to make some plastic surgeon a rich man". While obviously meant as a sarcastic crack, Ms. Pleasure could easily be the object of such body altering speculation. She is so fake plastic that you expect Radiohead to write a song about her. Still, with Chris Cannon as her companion in cock knocking, we are definitely in for an intense pork product, no matter the silicone or collagen convolutions. Cannon suggests that Lori is a bad girl and puts her over his knee for some playful spanking. Ms. Pleasure purrs, wanting Chris to "do dirty things" to her. The dick drops out and immediately finds repast in the rack. After some fake tit fucking, Lori does an oral shaft samba and Chris responds with lots of cunt licking fury. Ms. Pleasure is pierced six clits to sundown and her bright baubles bounce around as Mr. C churns her channels. Finally, the wiener meets the womb as reverse cowgirl, doggy and straight sex are experienced. Chris eventually creams his cacao directly onto Lori's parted lips. As a sex scene, Cannon and Pleasure really pull out all the stops. They seem to really be into the acts and never once let up on the intensity. Unfortunately, both performers are Freddie Prinze, Jr. level actors and Lori likes to exercise those oversized lungs with lots of high-pitched porn vocalizing. Still, we get what we paid for and that's XXX treats o'plenty. Score: 6.5/10

Scene 5: Shayla Laveaux, Steve Hatcher
After a hard day of hypnotizing and drugging her clientele, Shayla makes her way to the bedroom where compliant hubby Steve awaits. There is some sensual stripping and passionate foreplay before penis and pussy are palpitated. Steve services Shayla's loins and the snatch gets a real good grazing. Fingers envelop flesh folds and occasionally cuff that twat. As he tosses his paramour's salad, Shayla acts like Reagan in The Exorcist, speaking in psycho-erotic dialects. There is even some tongue inspired kookmahl as anus opens up to enjoy a gape break. Steve finishes up in hinder town by poking the pucker with his digits and doing a little douche and dumper 'bowling ball' buffing. All this manipulation makes Shayla desperate for some dick and she blows Steve's sex stick with relish. Deep throating is added to the mix before straight, spoon, doggie, scissors and some more missionary madness are experienced. When he is ready to burst, Shayla takes his ball juice on the tip of her tongue. While Steve is a little on the dumpy side and looks about as sexy as a meat mole, he does manage to rock Shayla's world, and when this woman is ready, she puts on the pussy with the best of them. This scene is very passionate and wildly erotic and ends the porn pageantry of The Bedford Wives on the right risqué note. Score: 7.5/10

Director Roy Karch deserves a great deal of the credit for The Bedford Wives success. Treating both his porno and plot with necessary detail, and never once letting either one languish, this is one of those rare occasions where the sex forwards the narrative and visa versa. Sure, some of the lewd loving tends to come out of nowhere ("I need to check up on my husband...LET'S FUCK!") but still, Karch keeps the flow natural and the story light and airy. This is not some manner of mean-spirited attack on men or a feminist manifesto for empowerment and enlightenment. This is just a clever twist on the basic Stepford ideal, given a chance to flourish within the erotic parameters of adult entertainment. And almost as if he listened to the Dirge's anti-extreme close-up rants, Karch likes to present the performers in long shots that emphasize their body to body dynamic. Nothing accentuates the hardcore histrionics better than being able to SEE what the suck is fucking and there are lots of those moments here. While this is almost the chick flick equivalent of XXX treats, there is still a tremendous amount of heat and humping in this film. Although it's not as nasty as some other features like to flaunt it, The Bedford Wives compliments its mainstream namesake rather well. After all, what do you think the Stepford men were messing with their wives for, anyway? Better coupon shopping skills? Please...

The Video:
In a word: stunning! The Bedford Wives looks amazing in its color and detail with this 1.33:1 full screen transfer. The contrast is exceptional and the clarity of image is startling. From the glitter of Ms. Pleasure's body jewelry to the delicate bubbles clinging to Shayla's tits, the visual elements of the DVD really boost its girth girding guarantee.

The Audio:
With a main title theme that feels like copyright infringement in its faux Dave Brubeck time out-ness, the "Blue Rondo a la Turk" tunefulness here is well captured in the Dolby Digital Stereo presentation. While some of the performers can push the decibel limits with their sex shrieks, the overall sonic soundscape is excellent.

The Extras:
The main bonus feature is a Behind the Scenes featurette that really functions more like an interview reel. Each of the actresses is questioned about life, love and likes/dislikes and their answers are very interesting. Audrey reveals that she and Otto talk just as trashy at home as they do on the set. Lori praises her various male costars for their pussy eating skill. Mika explains her enigmatic name and Shayla walks around like she's the leader of the pack, discussing her longevity in the business. We do witness instances of rehearsal, a few moments of hanging out, a sensual massage, a little gossip, the discussion of staff infections (far too nasty to detail here) and a fair amount of dirty jokes. Overall, this is a nice look at the fun and energy that exists in the background of a porno shoot. The rest of the extras are just routine: a photo gallery, a few trailers and a standard Internet ad.

Final Thoughts:
More times than not, an adult industry lampoon of a recognizable mainstream title is just a half-hearted hardcore film with the clever re-labeling utilized to drum up phony publicity. The story never really jives with the Hollywood version, and the overall presentation smacks of striking while the identification issue is hot. The Bedford Wives is actually something a little different. While not a direct rip-off of the other incarnations in the lexicon of robotized housewives, it does create a nice little take on the whole subservience scenario. What's important is that there is a great deal of very steamy sex. On the Disco Dirge Peter Meter, the movie earns a healthy 7.5 out of 10 and is highly recommended. And trust ole' DD – ladies will LOVE the sensual passion of this XXX-capade. So a Cohabitation Certification is easily awarded. As the Summer Blockbuster season of 2004 comes to a close, it's hard to imagine the adult industry variations on current box office hits. Van Humping, perhaps? The Pourne Supremacy? I, Cockbot? Or maybe Harry Peter and the Prisoner of Ass-kaban? In any case, we at least have one successful example of such nomenclature nonsense. The Bedford Wives is an erotic, ironic feature with as much freshness as fucking in its spunk-filled spoof. It will definitely hypnotize your hard-on.