First Impressions:
Is there a more dependable actor in hardcore than Evan Stone? As he's aged, he's gone from surly surfer dude to self-effacing funny man, completely at ease with roles both serious (the villain in Eye of the Beholder) and silly (Doc MaCock). In Dirty Movie, he is lost in introspective sex mode. He is obsessed with a silent stag film that his grandfather left him, and is eager to know why this old porno, and the babe who stars in it, has such a grip on his groin. Sounds like the perfect vehicle for this amiable actor. Heck, Randy Spears did it with One Man's Obsession, why can't Stone. Well, here's the reason: Dirty Movie is all fuck, and no filmmaking. Unlike all the other films mentioned here, this movie is long on log launching and lunching while being substantially short of narrative or nuance. Director Barry Wood has decided that the proper ration for straight feature flesh fests is 20 to 1 - for every twenty minutes of balling, one minute of basic plot. Stone is indeed left an estate by his dead relative, and he tries to discover the history behind the lesbian loop he finds in the basement. This leads him to the set of a porno shoot (and mandatory, meaningless scene) and a weird, artificial ending. Though he's usually excellent, Stone can't save this one...

The Sex Scenes:

...Not even with the fuck and suck. Big E gets two scenes here, and both are just your basic pretty porn. Similarly, Lockwood and Gunn each get a tired attempt at Eros as well. That just leaves a nap inducing same sex sequence that proves pretty gals getting it on is not necessarily the human Viagra everyone claims it to be. Obviously styled for the more fantasy oriented fanbase - read: the ladies - Dirty Movie is dull and derivative. The action does not break new nookie ground, and the positions take forever to complete. At one point, the Dirge swears Tommy Gunn fucks Sandra Romain spoon-style for 15 minutes. Even that's too much tool time.

Scene 1: Hillary Scott, Evan Stone
Acts Performed: Cabaret, 69, Cowgirl, Mish, Anal Mish, A to M, Anal Doggy, $hot in Mouth, Oral Cleanup
Score: 2 out of 5

If you want to know what robots would look like doing the dirty boogie, look no further than the plain if pleasant Hillary Scott. With a couple of cantaloupes lodged on her chest and a look on her face that mixes indignation with indigestion, she survives Evan's stoning and seems none too interested in it, overall. Her face never registers a single salient emotion. Indeed, the only way we know she is "enjoying" the action is by the over the top shrieks she lets out. Loud doesn't begin to describe them. If anyone is wondering where that prized pooch from the Westminster Dog Show ended up, they should take a look around the set of this film. The Dirge is sure said dog heard Ms. Scott's passion pleas all the way over in NYC, and came running cross country to aid her in her obvious distress.

Scene 2: Katie Morgan, Sammie Rhodes
Acts Performed: Typical girl on girl grinding, with some V to M finger licking, Beaded Necklace Play and a little Tit to Twat Action
Score: 1 out of 5

In the paradigm of personality that is porno stardom, Ms. Morgan is also still waiting for her humanizing handout. She tries to look fetching, especially with Sammie sharking down on her uncovered cracks, but she can only manage a mildly animated set of responses. As a critic, you know you've grown tired of such Sappho stupidity when a set of plastic pearls run across a vulva gets your otherwise addled attention. Heck, one of the gals even grinds her bosom into the other's bush. While the hardcore her/her humping at the end also awakens our sexual senses, it's not enough to save the scene. Drooping EYELIDS won't be the only limp issue when this lesbian letdown is over.

Scene 3: Samantha Ryder, Kurt Lockwood
Acts Performed: Salad Tossing, Cunnilingus, Blowjob, Reverse Cowgirl, 69, V to M, Male Salad Tossing, Doggy, Mish, $hot on Chest, Oral Cleanup
Score: 2 out of 5

Anyone who's a fan of Seymour Butts knows that occasional movie meat puppet Kurt Lockwood is usually good for a decent scene. And since Samantha Ryder is a basic blond void without a single lick of individuality or personality (she's not a bad person, just a very unknown quantity here), one hopes for some minor heat. We barely get warm. Our body tagged talent tries his best, balling away and working the positions. But our director holds the Reverse Cowgirl for too long, and then lets the Mish go on forever. Believe it or not, we actually grow tired of the same old tantric tricks. Granted, there is a great moment when Lockwood lifts his legs during 69 and Sam shoots her tongue into his tushy, but that's the only element of excitement in this otherwise snore-inducing pairing.

Scene 4: Katie Morgan, Evan Stone
Acts Performed: Kissing, Foreplay, Blowjob, Fancy Face Sitting, Mish, Spoon, Doggy, Reverse Cowgirl, $hot on Tits, Oral Cleanup
Score: 2 out of 5

For the headline humping of this set, this is sure some static sex. As with most of this movie, the men are trying. Evan works up quite a sweat attempting to tap this twat. But Ms. Morgan seems to have caught Hillary's automaton disease. She has one facial expression - call it "almost come hither" and she too works the vice vocals overtime. Wood stages the scene in front of a large movie screen that shows the action as it happens, and there are moments when what is going on behind the lovers accentuates and illustrates their antics. But overall, the scene is weak. It just feels like we've seen it all before - and definitely done better, and with more bravado.

Scene 5: Sandra Romaine, Tommy Gunn
Acts Performed: Blowjob, Reverse Cowgirl, Spoon, V to M, Anal Spoon, Anal Reverse Cowgirl, $hot in Mouth
Score: <b2.5 out of 5

Let's just call this a carnal time killer and get it over with. Believe it or not, it took TWO people to script this film, and the best they could do for a finale was have a "friend" of Evan's show up and start screwing on his couch. Ingenious! Luckily, our leading lady here is Sandra Romain and this Slavic slut really loves to fuck. She takes Tommy to school, riding his rod like he still hasn't learned how to properly pop her clutch. During the Anal Reverse Cowgirl, she's grinding and groovin' leaving our muscled man falling farther and farther behind. Still, Wood goes overboard, letting this sequence of dick to dumper more or less run until it implodes. And then the movie...just...ends. A symbolic gesture on Tommy's part (regarding that haunted hardcore from the past) and that's it.

Disco Dirge Peter Meter Rating: 2 out of 5 (Rent It)
Cohabitation Certification: Granted

If you're the type of person - or couple - who like PPP (Pretty, Passive Porn) then Dirty Movie will more than meet your subtler sex sensibilities. Couples who aren't looking for aggressive, nasty nookie will also enjoy its minor marital aide ideals. But for most of the fuck and suck fanbase, who think gaping is not gratuitous enough, this flaccid film will leave them unsatisfied and unexcited. Splitting the difference between the Recommended (for the more "feminine" of the aficionados out there) and the Skip It that most of us would maintain, a rating of Rent It is achieved. There may be some who, once they see the bland Barbie basics of Hillary Scott and Katie Morgan, decide to cut this crud some corporeal slack. Others will simply find it to be a sexual sleeping pill, and no one should be napping through supposed smut - Evan Stone or no Evan Stone.