GENRE: Gonzo Compilation
DIRECTOR: Diamond Dog
STARS: Leana Bacci, Shelby Belle, Amina, Judy Starr, Patricia, Lolly Pop, Brett Rockman, Dillion Day, Eryc
DATES OF PRODUCTION: 2003
LENGTH: 140 mins with bonus material

Just when you think every possible perversion in the pantheon of porn has been explored, deplored and ignored, along comes something that causes you to pause and give your head – your CRANIUM, that is – a good, hard scratching. Now, we are not talking about the standard bearers of bizarre proclivities: golden showers, feces eating, vomit sex or any combination of the aforementioned. No, this is the really far out space nut stuff we are talking about, limits of sexual excitement that seem to define that very combination of words. Not even something as micromanaged as salad tossing or shrimping extravaganzas can match up against some of the strange adult material being made. Naturally, when one runs across something like this, they have to wonder – "Who is the proposed audience for anal douche fetish features?" But leave it to the Canadians, with their cold nights, decided love for enormous quantities of beer and a far more secure sense of self than any other North American, to devise one of the most pointless bits of hardcore hooey ever conceived. On this DVD, you will find a collection of scenes revolving around the normal adult situations – sucking, fucking, licking, sticking, porking, sharking, plucking and plooking. But it's in the realm of the money shot, that final power chord at the end of any XXX installment that indication that it's time to dry off and prepare for another piece of poon, where those crazy Canucks have crafted something cracked. The title really says it all – Bubble Cum #2.

Now, before you get the idea that this discussion centers on woman swallowing spunk and then making those less than appetizing sperm sputters with their mouth, think again. Those moose-loving Mounties have taken the concept of spoo spewing to a new level by incorporating chewing gum into the mix. That's right, Bubble Cum #2 is all about girls taking a facial while blowing an elastic orb and once the sphere is covered in jerk juice, the ladies give the crazy combo a good old-fashioned mastication.

You can remove your jaw from the floor now.

The DVD:
After sitting through over two hours of Bubble Cum #2, one gets the distinct impression of having watched the XXX version of Plan Nine from Outer Space with the thought that the film "starred Bela Lugosi". The DVD case has images of young ladies blowing bubble gum and taking loads directly onto their inflated Juicy Fruit. The implication is that these lasses are going to combine flavors and savor the sensation of chewing on spunk. Well, here's the bad news all you Double-Mint fetish fiends – the bubble gum angle is a ruse, a put on by the producers to get you to buy this baloney. Now, each girl does offer up a bit of Wrigley's weirdness near the end of the scene, but the notion of teeth chomping on guy goo is so minimal as to be insignificant. Only one gals really gives the gum a going over, while the others mostly let it lie in their mouths like a hillbilly experiencing caviar for the first time. So anyone hoping to honk their hog over a little bit of Bubs Daddy goodness needs to bail out of this bunk before the lack of bubbles blows their little minds.

On the hardcore hierarchy, things are a little better. Each of the six scenes here starts the same exact way. An actress sits on the bed of an unadorned room and is interviewed by an unseen entity (maybe it's the director/creator of this insanity, Diamond Dog?). She is asked her age (and she usually lies like a hound) and then begins a little of the standard hardcore cabaret. She slowly slips off her top and touches her tits. She removes her panties and spreads her pussy. She turns to the lens and lets it drink in her supple (or less than curvaceous) ass. Then before you know it, a cock the size of Seattle comes careening from out of frame and the poor young (?) lady is huffing and puffing away like the big bad wolf at a pig sighting. Some of the gals are more talkative than others, while a few seem like refugees from a foreign land, told that making an adult film will win them the green card of work visa they so desperately need. There is far too much looking directly into the camera to create a sense of interpersonal passion and the one-note noise level can grow tiresome. Once the fucking starts though, the scenes are mostly very erotic and steamy. Sadly, getting there is most of, or perhaps all of the battle in Bubble Cum #2. Individually, we witness the following pork pairings:

Scene 1: Leana Bacci, Brett Rockman
Female's Age (as given): 19
Age she really looks: 25
Cum Chewing: Almost
After the head has ended, Brett brings his big old prick right up into Leana's loins, doggie style, and really fucks the accent out of her. He even grabs her hair and pins her arms behind her back as he drives dick into douche canal over and over. After a little V to M, it's back to more bowwow balling. The cowgirls get a little action with Ms. Reverse winning in overall screen time. Then Brett moves into the spoon position, the better to show off his power penis plowing of Ms. Bacci's pussy. This incredibly loud lady just loves being filled with dick and when the ass is finally frisked, she is vocally vehement in her pleasure. Brett gives it to her dumper doggie, pile driver, spoon, straight and reverse call girl before hitting the mish one more time. When Leana has a bubble ready, Brett explodes and frosts her Freedent. She gives the combo a half-hearted chaw. This is by far the best scene on the disc, not because of the gonzo gum dynamic but because muscleman Brett and the rather fetching Ms. Bacci look good together. You can sense the carnal chemistry between the two and can feel the sizzle they produce. Had there been a better flow to the sex and a less position pile-on mentality, the rating would be much higher. Score: 7.5/10

Scene 2: Shelby Belle, Dillion Day
Female's Age (as given): 20
Age she really looks: 24
Cum Chewing: Almost
Dillion's bodybuilder physique fills the frame as Shelby finishes slobbering all over his cock and lays back for a little twat tongue bathing. After he's got her pussy good and pumped up, Dillion drills Shelby in the straight position, and then attempts a continuous move over into doggie. Almost succeeding, he rams Ms. Belle from the rear, integrating hair pulling and the pile driver into the mix. Our sex starlet rides the range in both the forward and backward dynamic until it's time to sample her own snatch sauce with a little V to M. After some spooning, the poon is passed by as Shelby's stink is poked with pride. The anal antics here include straight, and reverse cowgirl before Dillion is ready to drip. Shelby's got the gum ready and Mr. Day delivers quite a contingent of cum. Sadly, the chewing is kept to a bare minimum. As a couple, Dillion and Shelby look like they should be scorching up the screen. She is a cutesy blond with a pert, tight body. He is a chiseled hulk that will have the lady's loose and juiced by the time he's done. But somewhere along the line, their scene skimps of the sensual. It's more like a guy gonging a gal than people passionately enjoying pussy and penis. The result is a decent bit of Eros that feels like a missed opportunity. Score: 7/10

Scene 3: Amina, Brett Rockman
Female's Age (as given): 22
Age she really looks: 32
Cum Chewing: Nope
Aside from having a name that sounds like a cleaning product and offering some fingering during her strut and fret, Amina is a pretty lousy lay. While her scene is decent, it's mostly because of the professional work ethic Brett Rockman brings to the proceedings. You can see that he senses Ms. Astringent is not up to some of the more inventive moves in hardcore, so he lets her lunch on his log several times throughout the shoot. Indeed, there is so much V to M and A to M that you'd swear this was an oral exercise. Basically, the scene plays out like this: reverse cowgirl – V to M – reverse cowgirl standing – V to M – doggie – V to M – doggie – V to M – straight anal – A to M (with deep throat) – anal doggie – A to M – anal doggie – A to M...zzzzzzzzzzzzz

When Brett is ready to void, Amina has a tiny little bubble that's barely there. Then, when it's loaded with spoo, she gives it a minimal chew and we fade out. If you are really into 'X" to M, then you will LOVE this scene. Others will find it semi-erotic, but more than a little pedestrian. Score: 6/10

Scene 4: Judy Starr, Eryc
Female's Age (as given): 22
Age she really looks: 24
Cum Chewing: Oh yeah!
In second place for best scene on the disc, this sensual exchange between Judy and Eryc is just the thing to cleanse the palette after the previous Ms. Windex's less-than-stellar sexcapades. Ms. Starr gives great head and our one-named dude is the lucky recipient of this extra dose of dick attention. Once she's done with the dong, they engage in straight sex that's playful and passionate. Then it's time to visit the ranch as a little regular and reverse bronco busting is enjoyed. Eryc jousts Judy from behind in the doggie position and when he's done, she can't help but slurp a little joy juice from his cock. The cocker to cock combination is indulged in again before tool finds anus and the butt banging begins. Whenever he is finished plowing her pooper, Judy jones on the jock for more of that tasty mudhoney and it's not long before straight, doggie and reverse cowgirl circumstances are stepped through. Eryc pops his cork all over the big bubble Judy creates and – unlike her co-stars here – she munches on the amalgamation with relish. Like Brett before, it is Judy that makes this scene work. Eryc is a little too anemic in the energy department to warrant much wantonness, but Judy really takes and gets great pleasure in what is going on between them. This is as good as the Bubble Cum's gum concept gets, so anyone wondering what guys could possible see in this awkward mixture of semen and snack may possibly find the answer here. Score: 7/10

Scene 5: Patricia, Dillion Day
Female's Age (as given): 19
Age she really looks: 28
Cum Chewing: NO!
As he did in Scene 2, Dillion never lets a good blowjob go unrewarded, so he services Pat before they get down to the dirty boogie. They move through the standard sex positions – straight, cowgirl and reverse cowgirl, doggie, pile driver and spooning – with grace and a minimal of V to M. Mr. Day shifts to the shitter and, again, the couple complete the following fornication fact pattern: doggie, straight and spoon. When Dillion is ready to deliver, Patricia is prepared for the worst. Looking like she's about to be given a cod liver oil and hemorrhoid smoothie, she makes a face that is so twisted up and disgusted that rotten old apple head dolls are jealous. As cum hits bubble (and several places on Pat's face) she can no longer hide her repulsion. She makes a small mouth movement and the scene quickly cuts away. While the idea of taking a load onto a piece of chewing gum and making like a gun moll cliché may not be the most appetizing idea in the history of hardcore, a porn actress should at least be able to take a shot to the cheek and not freak out. But Patricia acts like she's been violated when Dillion drops his body bomb on her and the look of nausea kills this scene. As it was going along, it was rather sexy. Then the potential reverse peristalsis went and ruined it all. Ugh! Score: 4.5/10

Scene 6: Lolly Pop, Brett Rockman
Female's Age (as given): 20
Age she really looks: 30+
Cum Chewing: Almost
Ms. Pop is a little long in the tooth to be claiming an age so close to high school graduation, and one look at her beet-red nether regions should indicate that this woman has been around the balling block a few dozen times. When Brett gets her cooker firing, she suddenly goes rock lobster in the groin and ass region. It is very strange, especially since it makes her closet-coveting pale complexion that much more ghostly. After giving Brett some ball and shaft action to match the oral, the doggie dynamics begin post haste. Our rocky Man loves to smack his wench up by giving Lolly's bottom a good whack or two. She responds by begging for some V to M, which Brett gladly provides...over and over again. Ms. Pop is apparently addicted to pussy-coated cock and whenever Brett removes it from her – either after cowgirl, or reverse cowgirl or straight sex - she's got to have a snatch sample. Finally, once scissors and straight anal are performed, Lolly is all licked out and she settles back to take it in the ass from the dog, utensil and range rover parameters. Her bubble is rather basic and Brett delivers a heaping helping of dong drizzle. The minimal chews that ensue are more or less an afterthought. All blushing body areas aside, Mr. Rockman and Ms. Pop make a nice copulating couple. There is not a great deal of passion between the two, but the effortless way they fall into the fornication formations makes for some enticing erotica, none the less. Score: 7/10

When you stop and think about it, Bubble Cum #2 is a royal gyp. It promises to deliver delicious babes blowing spunk-filled bubbles for the pleasure of the more perverted portion of the porn fanbase. But we are left in the lurch whenever jizz meets jaw muscles. Heck, if a title like Toss My Salad says it's gonna show guys getting their hairy man ass eaten, they sure enough show the redeye rimming. But not Bubble Cum. This scene compilation is really just standard gonzo hardcore with about 15 seconds TOTAL of gum chomping as a throwaway sexual aside. The ladies don't like it, the guys don't really get it and the audience would rather see Asian piss videos than witness another actress gag on her Charleston chew. It also needs to be said that Diamond Dog is not much of a director – not that said moniker is much of a name either (one does not naturally think of David Bowie when the concept of XXX fuck films are discussed). His standard cinematic shtick is to let the camera roam, missing elements like the mounting and mons movement to show a dangling ballsack or a half-assed 'come hither' glare from his performers. His cutting is random and without a sense of flow and, for the most part, scenes just end instead of building to a carnal climax. While all of the scenes deliver on the prick and pussy front, Bubble Cum #2 is a fetish farce, a bit of bewildering sensationalism for the sake of a stupid gimmick. Kind of like finding a sticky piece of Dentyne on your shoe, this adult entertainment trick is annoying when it should have been appetizing. The hardcore is fine, but the rest of the ridiculousness is just a publicity stunt.

The Video:
Visually, Bubble Cum #2's 1.33:1 full screen image is very good. The flesh tones are accurate, and there are no noticeable halos from the mostly white backgrounds. This is not a cavalcade of colors however. Between the ebony walls and the mostly pale skin of the performers, this DVD can occasionally be an experience in hardcore snow blindness.

The Audio:
On the side of the sonic, Bubble Cum #2 is sadly lacking. When the ladies are being introduced, the camera is so far away that the internal mic only picks up the male voice behind the lens. The girls speak, but we hear very little of what they have to say. Also, there is no real music or background score for this film. Maintaining the gonzo goals throughout, there is no attempt to add ambiance or mood. Unless you enjoy the over amplified sound of uninterested girls groaning the same three syllables ("o – ye – es") over and over again, you won't warm to the aural attributes here.

The Extras:
DVD producers Dog House Digital offers up a few choice bonuses on this disc, but don't expect to be blown away by any of them. Each actress gets a two to three minute "solo shot" which is basically aimless masturbating within the incredibly short running time. The ever-present slide show offers up snapshots from the set; about as useless an excuse for an extra as they come. Then there is a collection of cum shots, which also represents too little, far too late. The only viable added feature is the trailers, but DD doesn't even know how to handle those correctly. Instead of something telling us what the title is all about, we merely get random hardcore moments for about a minute. Then it's on to the next mini-movie ad.

Final Thoughts:
To paraphrase the old candy commercial, sometimes you feel like some smut, sometimes you don't. Bubble Cum wants to offer up a sugar smack set of scenes showing bodacious babes enjoying the fine art of ball brine chewing. Yet it's all promise and no payoff, as the majority of the performers here prefer to freshen their breath and whiten their teeth sans dick snot. On the Disco Dirge Peter Meter, this sad stick of rock hard trading card gum is a mundane 6 out of 10 and is just ever so slightly recommended for a couple of pretty intense sex scenes. Couples may enjoy the aggressive – sometimes overly so – XXX action, but this is not a guarantee. Therefore, a Cohabitation Certification is withheld. It only seems natural in an industry that offers cum drinking, cum eating, cum bathing and cum colonics that the combination of cum and gum would eventually be discovered. After all, they are only one consonant away from each other. But Bubble Cum #2 is not the place to see Bazooka Joe get his jollies off. If you want to see some decent sucking and fucking, then by all means, check this title out. But the eventual moment of Trident mixed with tool tang is a complete let down.