GENRE: Lesbian Scene Compilation
DIRECTOR: Dean G., David A., Dominic
STARS: Friday, Amber Michaels, Jana Cova, Charlie Laine, Kelly Kline, Jesse Capelli, Jessica Jaymes, Crissy Taylor, Tanya Danielle, Avy Scott, Goldie, Monica Mayhem, Jezebelle Bond
DATES OF PRODUCTION: 2004
LENGTH: 125 mins

One of the most divisive divisions in adult entertainment is girl-on-girl action. While it is the very foundation of most male fantasies, there is something lacking in the licking when lesbianism is translated onto film. Some might scoff at the suggestion, but the lack of penis seems to pacify the porno, removing the domination and aggressive element of what is basically the visual violation most closely associated with sex. In response, gal/gal has glommed onto toys as prick replacements. Yet without the instinctual thrust of a man's uncontrolled machismo, the scenes seem somber, almost devoid of the depravity we've come to expect from hardcore. Even with all manner of reaming and ramrodding, frighteningly large faux phalluses blaring, the softened Sappho syndrome continues to occur.

In a non-nut busting shell, this is the problem with Topsy Turvy, the latest clit-on-clit extravaganza from Danni.com and Pure Play Media. As a collection of five vignettes held loosely together by the notion that they are all "too hot" to be featured on Danni Allen's website, there is nothing much here beyond the nasty norm. We see the same sex acts over and over and over again, with little variation or vivaciousness. The featured femmes are decidedly delish, but the overall eye candy element just can't make up for the lack of meat. As is the case with most woman-on-woman wantonness, Topsy Turvy is all lace and lingerie, body makeup and perfected poses. But try as they might, these lovely ladies just can't turn up the heat. If anything, several of the scenes showcase just how fake and fluffed up all this babe banging really is.

The DVD:
Set up simply and succinctly, Topsy Turvy (subtitled "and other Sex Tales") presents three 'skits', as well as two behind the scenes/ full-blown sex sequences that contains 13 fetching performers in all manner of homo falderal. A couple of the sections are much better than the others, but mostly, this entire enterprise feels like outtakes from Danni.com accentuated with some making-of material and oddly scripted stupidity. The result is not so much arousing as awkward, since we're not sure where the next set up will take us, and if anything new or unusual will be happening once we get there.

For those of you interested in the sex acts performed, it's better to get them out of the way right up front. This way, there is no repetition in the writing, for there is a lot of duplicitous duplication in this release. At any given time during Topsy Turvy, in either one-on-one or group gladhanding, you will see:

Foreplay, Cabaret, Stripping, Kissing, Stroking, Tit Sucking, Cunnilingus, Toe Sucking, Vaginal Vibrator Action, Toy V to M, Anal Toy Action, Toy A to M, Tongue Fucking, Vaginal Fingering, Anal Fingering, Face Sitting, 69, Shoe Fu, Salad Tossing, Tit to Twat Play, Cat Fighting.

So now you know. If the thought of attractive women working each other over in any or all of the abovementioned manners turns your tool to tungsten, then Topsy Turvy will churn your ball butter as effectively as the ladies lunging orifices with fake cocks. But if you expect something a tad more dynamic, if you want your performers to pour on the passion like unbridled bitches in heat, then you may have to look elsewhere for your same sex sizzle. While there are some isolated moments of mons merriment here, most of Topsy Turvy plays like passive productions of male-fostered foolishness. You never get the impression that this is how real lesbians interrelate. Thanks to the angles and the attitude, we're in laughable lipstick land here, and the droop it produces is antithetical to the time-honored elements of hardcore.

Let's look at each scene separately, so we can decide whether there is anything to salvage out of this somber softcore, starting with:

Scene 1: Friday, Amber Michaels
Starring in: Freaky Friday's Topsy Turvy Turn-On
Plot: After the gals get to know each other – and the audience – in an extended behind the scenes featurette, the carnal coupling occurs on a set where all the furniture is disorientingly placed on the ceiling.

In what is the best pairing of the set, Friday and Amber spend nearly 40 minutes in full fetlock fornication, intercut with moments in the make-up chair and taking still photos. Both ladies are lovely to look at, and plow poon with the precision of an old pro. The glorified, glamorous angle is over-exaggerated to give the sex an air of sophistication and class that it cannot achieve on its own. Still, of all the gals featured, this pair put on the best, most believable show. Each is equally adept at the basics of babe balling, and their groomed good looks help to sell the steam. If all the girl/ girl Eros on Topsy Turvy had been this good, we'd have a much better title on our hands. Score: 7.5 out of 10.

Scene 2: Jana Cova, Charlie Laine, Kelly Kline, Jesse Capelli
Starring in: Queer Lick for the Straight Chick
Plot: Similar to the surprisingly successful Bravo show, three lesbians show a bored straight babe how to swim with the fishes.

Though the set up is kind of cute, any potential comedy quickly dwindles as we end up with a four gal glory holing that's long on languid shots of ladies lubing their labial lips, but short on any real raw power. Kelly is our chosen chick here, and she's so plain and unattractive that she sticks out among her much better looking counterparts. Even the initiation into the ways of womanly desires is bungled as shot after shot of facial reactions take the place of proper poon probing. In the end, we seem shortchanged, and not only because the previous scene ran for twice as long. Somehow, with more people, this scene manages to convey substantially less sensuality. Score: 4.5 out of 10.

Scene 3: Jessica Jaymes, Crissy Taylor
Starring in: Angry Ballerina
Plot: After getting fired for her big chest, a diva ballerina takes out her aggression on her poor, mousy assistant.

Proving once again that, when it comes to same sex scenarios, two are better than a bunch, our devilish dancer and her put upon PA do a nice dirty boogie bop for the female flesh fans at home. While it doesn't match the level of intensity or interest of Scene 1, this is still a nice, nominal lesbian sequence. Our leads are likeable, and the set-up contains some formulaic facets that still play out pretty well. About the only thing missing here is a big time denouncement – either dramatically or sexually. Indeed, both the scant plot and the barely better balling signifies a lot of Topsy Turvy's troubles. This is Sappho for the soft, not brazenness for the bulls. It is obviously playing to what men want to see, not what would really happens between like-minded members of the she-love society. Score: 6 out of 10.

Scene 4: Tanya Danielle, Avy Scott

Starring in: Tanya and Avy: Behind the Scenes
Plot: While they prepare for a day in front of the Danni.com web cameras, our two lovely ladies let us in on some of the personal pastimes and pet peeves.

Again, we begin with a lot of non-sexual shenanigans as Tanya and Avy prepare for their day. If anything, this opening material should destroy your fantasy fuel for days to come. Ms. Scott looks HORRIBLE sans make-up and spends more time talking about some dude nicknamed "Donkey Cock" than trying to engage the gents at home. Tanya does a little better, winking and slinking for the camera even before the snatch attack starts. Indeed, the only thing that saves this overlong sequence from being a total 'behind the scenes' bore is the electricity between the two tantalizing gals. When they are painted up and ready to party, both girls provide the proper porn precepts to make even the most jaded John jump for his jock. Score: 7 out of 10.

Scene 5: Goldie, Amber Michaels, Monica Mayhem, Jezebelle Bond
Starring in: Ghost of Bras
Plot: Three ladies wander into Goldie's goofy costume shop, and once they put on a pair of possessed panties, it's she on she shark time.

Our final segment of snooze-inducing sharking is a literal nail in the nookie coffin, as nothing our four young ladies can do will generate a lick of labia longing. Even Ms. Michaels, who found a way to light a female friendly fire under her co-star in Scene 1 is dull and derivative here. As the camera casually wanders around the setting, as the ladies indulge in all the usual same sex situations, we realize that for over two hours we've seen nothing but the duplicate diddling, position after possibility explored over and over again. This is what sinks the average girl/girl title. Chemistry and ardor aside, there is just a limit to how much lesbo the average hardcore fan can tolerate. This final fleecing proves it. Score: 4 out of 10.

Now, those with a healthy pussy preference would argue the more meatless two vag, the better. And perhaps they have a point. Many of your typical straight sex offerings toss in lesbianism like an aside, a chance to see something a little more soft and fanciful before getting back to the beef eating. But where Topsy Turvy goes astray is in the dreary dame-on-dame dynamic. These ladies are far too subtle with their sand shifting, too delicate in their dispatching of dream sequence sensuality. For men who like the full on fem fisting of a Where the Boys Aren't type thrill ride, these dainty diddlings will be like grade school level gratuity. When the most memorable moment of the entire set is Avy Scott without her make-up (or in keeping with the presentation's pure intent, Ms Scott on all fours, eating snatch while a large white vibrator sticks out of her ass like a flagpole on the moon) you're not tapping into the XXX tenets of your genre.

Still, there will be many who champion this calm, collected clam slam and question the quirks of the critic. After all, from the time we are cognizant of our cock, the notion of ladies licking each other in full blown abandon has stirred the straight male short hairs in ways both weird and wonderful. But when faced with gonzo, fetish porn, amateur and a wealth of additional subcategories of smut, it's hard to get worked up for stuff that you average Troma title delivers – and they've got gore, and Lloyd Kaufman to boot! If you just can't get enough tit-on-tit, if the notion of hot babes bathing bush with their studded tongues gives you the shaft shivers, then you can't do much better than Topsy Turvy. This is perfectly professional, pleasant to partake of same sex shunting. But if you like your lesbo on the more mighty side, if you think cute and cuddly should be reserved for puppies and pro wrestlers, then you'll be disappointed. And thus the same sex controversy continues.

The Video:
If there is a technical issue with Topsy Turvy, it is with the image. The 1.33:1 full screen transfer is fine, but the color correction is corrupt. During several scenes, the ladies will stick fingers into fun folds and the tints will twist and blend into non-fleshtone frightmares. Other times, there is obvious ghosting as actresses leave shadows on white walls when they momentarily move away. Of course, since this is pornography we're discussing, and not some David Lean/Lynch magnum opus, many consumers won't care. But it does raise doubts as to the level of attention given to the basics of adult entertainment production. If you can't provide lifelike pigments during pussy eating, aren't you kind of defeating the purpose?

The Audio:
Overall, the sonic situation is excellent. The music is not too loud or too "hip", matching the mannered mound munching expertly. We do get to hear the actresses yapping like rabid collies in full Dolby Digital Stereo during many of the scenes, and their sex sounds mixed with dialogue dirtiness are always easy to understand and instantly decipherable.

The Extras:
The sole bonus feature here is quite novel. In something called a "Model Diary", Charlie Laine and Jesse Capelli provide a few moments of insight into the personality and preferences of a proud porn star. Both ladies appear honest and forthright, answering a series of standard, as well as more intimate questions with ease. Each is exuberant, coy, and not the least bit phased by queries regarding size and same sex scenes. While this is by no means an abundance of added content, having these little Q&As are a nice touch, something that Danni.com should make mandatory for all its gals in the future.

Final Thoughts:
While he doesn't like to do it – since it's usually Hell on the hinder – the Dirge is in a fence-sitting dilemma over Topsy Tuvry. He is fully aware that guys (and gals) who enjoy a twat-to-twat specific title will be creaming in their koolats for something this sensual and erotic. But sadly, nothing on this DVD really sets his own personal preference loins a glowin'. If it were solely up to him, and if he honestly felt that EVERYONE on the planet were similar, he'd give it a SKIP IT. But since he knows that many men will drool all over their dick for some babe-to-booty bumping, he also realizes the HIGHLY RECOMMENDED nature of the nookie. The Disco Dirge Peter Meter score, which currently sits around a 5.5 or 6 out of 10 would warrant a lukewarm RECOMMENDATION. But then again, there is nothing really new or novel here, so a RENTAL would be equally warranted and welcomed. The Cohabitation Certification is also an issue, since only you can know your partner's proclivity toward same sex showcases. The only way to resolve this issue is to take the title in total for final evaluation. And given the technical glitches and lack of diverse extras, we easily slip back into lend/lease land. Topsy Turvy may not resolve the controversy over girl/girl gratuity and its value as hardcore. It's a decent, but VERY derivative offering that will only please those who think that lesbians can do no wrong.