The Colombian XXX

Girlfriend Films/Spizoo

Genre: Parody, Feature

Director: Ralph Long

Cast: Nadia Ali, Ralph Long, Allie Haze, Eric Masterson, Isabella De Santos, Van Wylde, Jessica Jaymes

Length: 83:36 minutes

Date of Production: 2014

Extras: None other than a website link.

Condoms: Some

Audio/Video Quality: The Colombian XXX was presented in anamorphic widescreen by director Ralph Long for distribution by Girlfriend Films. As Ralph is again loath to reveal his secret crew, it should be noted that the movie was more of a spoof than a parody, the ultra low budget not allowing for all the elements of a feature to be fleshed out properly and meant to be taken with tongue firmly in cheek. The sets were straight out of a home movie, the camera work basic but providing accurate flesh tones and slightly unpolished editing. There were some compression artifacts and mosquito noise when viewed on my big screen television at times but otherwise, it looked okay. The aural components of the show were handled using an AC3 codec, the 2.0 Dolby Digital English track using a standard 192 Kbps bitrate and a sample rate of 48 kHz, the vocals easily heard in most cases.

Body of Review: Ralph Long is a production assistant and director as well as a meat puppet in porn, many of the titles he’s been tied to being distributed of late by Girlfriend Films. Of interest now is that he was commissioned to work on a couple of parody styled spoofs by “Spizoo”, a company many might not have heard of until recently. The latest spoof is called The Colombian XXX, a story about a “sugar” dealer from Columbia upset over the purity of her product, read between the lines as you see fit as that is part of the cheese factor here, Ralph unapologetically pointing out proudly that he made this movie and the recent Deadpool spoof dirt cheap while including some top rate performers. The lead was portrayed by Isabella De Santos, additional roles by Allie Haze, Nadia Ali, and Jessica Jaymes helping flesh out this tribute flick. The back cover described it like this: “Mob hits. Dirty cops. Lawless town... These are just a few of the things that say "The Colombian XXX." Award winner Ralph Long gives us a tantalizing, sensual and erotic glimpse of this mob movie gone crazy. Take a trip down memory lane with this all-star cast and get off like never before!”

XBiz did what amounts to a press release for the movie, describing it like this: “Spizoo will roll out an original feature written and directed by Long called “The Colombian XXX.” The movie, slated to release on Aug. 25 through Girlfriends Films, showcases rising star Isabella de Santos in the title role as a mob boss. De Santos is half Colombian and Peruvian and was raised partly in Colombia and Miami, where she graduated from high school. “She’s in the pure Colombian sugar trade and they’re screwing up her sugar in the States,” Long said. “So she comes to fix her product. It’s a goofy little comedy.” Van Wylde plays the sugar dealer in L.A. that de Santos’ character goes to meet. “It was Isabella's first acting role and she did great,” said Long, who has helmed more than 30 movies in the past five years and has amassed hundreds of performing credits. Allie Haze returns to Spizoo as an undercover cop along with Jessica Jaymes, while Long gets back in front of the camera as an Arabian drug dealer. Nadia Ali and Eric Masterson also appear. The pairings include de Santos and Jaymes with Wylde in separate encounters; Haze and Masterson; and Long and Ali. “It was fun trying to mix comedy in with a mob story,” Long said. “This was something lighthearted. I wanted to make a very simple story. We’re trying to get more stories into our movies.” Here’s a brief look at the scenes by cast and action, noting that some condoms were used for those still interested:

Scene One: Nadia Ali, a curvy newcomer brunette with a sweet ass from Pakistan, was up first in a hotel room with Ralph Long, the gal sent on a mission “as a gift”. She pawed his “morning wood” and eased his chubby into her mouth once he dropped his drawers, the gal cradling his balls as she slobbed his knob. There was some brief, playful even, hand to gland friction and nut nuzzling, the uncredited camera work looking especially amatuerish (it wasn’t Ralph as he was getting laid) but for this being her 6th credited scene, she did okay, other than looking directly at the camera too much. And she was a moderately active vaginal rider here too, her bald beaver shown pumping down on Ralph’s eventually turgid member or pushing back to meet his thrusts. In the end, she drained his dragon of sperm when he pulled out of her and let loose his juice all over her mug, no chemistry to speak of but both of them getting the job done.

Scene Two: Allie Haze, a sexy bruntte seen on the left side of the front cover, was up next on a basic bedroom set with bearded Eric Masterson, some kissing leading to her kneeling on all fours to blow him. His shirt got in the way of a lot of the footage here and that kind of pissed me off but it wasn’t Allie’s fault, all I needed was a loud laugh track and I’d have taken it as being done on purpose. She throated him and they undressed quickly, Eric gobbling her gash when she laid on her back and spread her legs to reveal the exceptionally hairy critter. She asked him to stop teasing her and give her “the dick”, Allie over acting a bit in terms of suggesting it was particularly large as she made faces but like Nadia and the others, she did not have good eye contact but I admit that seeing her naked and having sex is never a bad thing even if she’s done better. She sucked him off between positions and clenched her snatch to milk his balls dry of semen, Eric jerking off all over her hairy crotch before the feature elements picked back up.

Scene Three: Isabella De Santos, the all natural Latina featured on the center and right side of the front cover, was up next as she smoked a cigar in her sheer bikini undies while sitting on the white couch. She surprised Van Wylde who wore a neon pink shirt and black pants in what could only be a spoof of his sexuality, frisky Isabella lightly caressing his body before removing his offensive attire to inhale his raging boner. She was the first to make good eye contact as she throated the guy, using her saliva to stroke his cock and lick his balls to excite him. He then licked her neatly trimmed but still hairy pussy until a mix of occasionally active vaginal riding positions and more oral showed her on fire, her perfect pucker looking tasty as her delicious ass twerked on the jerk, Van beating off all over her ass to end the tryst before he introduced her to Allie.

Scene Four: Jessica Jaymes, playing an undercover agent dressed up like a hooker, was up last with Van Wylde on a graffiti laden set as she set him down on a red love seat and kissed him. She had a red bra and tight black skirt, groping his package as they continued to kiss, the gal hiking up her skirt and peeling off her thong for him to muff dive. The camera lost focus a few times but the lighting was flat and even, her clean crotch given ample oral before she knelt down to blow him until he was finally erect courtesy of a hand assisted hummer. She was a passive vaginal rider until she rode actively in reverse cowgirl, Van unleashing his manly fluids all over her upper leg beside her crotch before an ending kiss led to his just deserts.

Summary: The Colombian XXX by director Ralph Long for Spizoo Entertainment via Girlfriend Films was not made as serious competition to the other, bigger budget parodies and features on the market, merely as a goofy spoof made on the cheap for people to enjoy a quick wanking session, earning a rating of Rent It for most people, all four ladies worth a look or two to populate your spank banks. In short, The Colombian XXX was a cute set of trysts starring Allie Haze, Isabella De Santos, Nadia Ali, and Jessica Jaymes, the flick again elevating company awareness a few notches so check it out.