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Clerks XXX: A Porn Parody

Vivid

Genre: Parody

Director: B. Skow

Writer: David Stanley

Cast: Allie Haze, Seth Gamble, Chastity Lynn, Mark Davis, Jayden Lee, Barry Scott, Kelly Divine, Evan Stone, Brian Street Team, Lexi Swallow
Non-sex roles: Simon Says, Peter O’Tool, Rusty Nails, Orangina, Pockets, The Colonel, Ralph Long, Devon Smith

Length: 144:34 minutes

Date of Production: 3/2012

Extras: The first extra was the 35:53 minute long B&W version that edits out the explicit sex from the feature. It was amusing and might prove to be a solid introduction to the entertaining feature elements for the sexually squeamish. Then came the 6:34 minute long Behind the Scenes feature (by “The Colonel”), a 24:02 minute long Blooper Reel (complete with some Star Wars clips), a lengthy photogallery, pop shot recap, & trailers to movies like Superman Vs. Spiderman XXX, My Slutty Friends, The Big Ass Jack Off, and Peepshow. There was also the usual spam and Vivid offer via smart phone, but overall this was a nice selection of extras to appreciate.

Condoms: None

Audio/Video Quality: Clerks XXX: A Porn Parody was presented in anamorphic widescreen as shot by director B. Skow for Vivid. There were multiple cameras used, a multitude of short edits, and the overall technical aspects were some of the best I have seen from Skow and his team to date. There also appeared to be conscious decisions made to emulate, with appropriate modifications, the original mainstream classic in a pornified sense, the company watermark not getting in the way for me. The audio was handled in stereo with some solid music, crisp vocals, and ambient noises needed to actually sound better than the original in most ways.

The director with Allie

Body of Review: B. Skow has long struck me as a seriously talented director, his works for Vivid often reminding me that porn can be entertaining as well as smutty good fun. While he has left the company to set out on his own, his legacy continues with a top notch parody called Clerks XXX: A Porn Parody. The movie this was so loosely based on by the amazing Kevin Smith has long been one of my absolute favorite movies so I was prepared to savage it had the subject matter not been handled to my liking but very shortly into watching it, I knew this was going to work out well for me. It wasn’t just that beautiful Allie Haze was put to excellent use this time or that Lexi Swallow held her own at least as well, nor was it just the many nods to the original aspects of the show I enjoyed so much; it was the sum total of the parts that worked so well. I’ve watched it twice now and even some friends that aren’t into porn have suggested the “this is more like it” type of comment to me when they came over to see what I was rambling about. If you’d rather have a nearly direct (but poor) copy of the original, there are companies for that kind of thing but this one set new ground to make it work like the original did, albeit with the necessary changes to cast and thematic material.

The company press release stated it like this: “The original screenplay for the “Clerks XXX” parody is the work of veteran writer David Stanley, fulfilling his long-held dream of creating an adult parody of the 1994 black-and-white Indie cult classic. Written and directed by Kevin Smith, the original “Clerks” was a quirky comedy about a pair of shop assistants. Stanley’s adult parody/comedy version is filled with lewd and crude humor and celebrates the sex lives of slackers Dana (Allie Haze), Silent Bertha (Kelly Divine), Randi (Lexi Swallow), and Jane (Chastity Lynn). The movie also stars Jayden Lee, Evan Stone, Mark Davis, Brian Street Team, Seth Gamble and Barry Scott. The storyline follows Dana, who is unhappy with her job as a smut-jockey in a porno store. To compound her malaise, she has two boyfriends, both of whom are cheating on her, and she’s been called in to work on her one day off. She also has to contend with smart-ass co-worker Randi, a riot by anti-condom crusaders, video booth customers who can’t resist ejaculating on the video screens, a silent pimp and his obnoxious prostitute, a gerbil-loving customer and assorted other problems. While we root for Dana to get through the day in one piece, we also wonder if she will finally take action to change her life. The “Clerks XXX” DVD includes a non-hardcore sex version in black-and-white.” Here’s a brief look at the scenes by cast and action, noting that no condoms were used for those still interested:

Scene One: Allie Haze, the attractive brunette featured on the left side of the front cover, was up first on the floor of the porn shop with Seth Gamble, the two having a substantial amount of chemistry together. Her pants were off and thong spread to the side by his hand to reveal her hairy snatch. The gal removing his pants to slob his knob aggressively. While applying some hand to gland action, Allie continued her oral assault, soon riding his cock vaginally as her sweet ass cheeks rippled delightfully well. After he bust a nut of genetic juice on her beaver, they kissed and engaged in a bit more penetration, his character adding some of the better comedic lines.

Scene Two: Chastity Lynn, the award winning blond seen on the upper right portion of the front cover, was up next as she blew Mark Davis aggressively. They were in the back of an SUV and her perky ass was up high with some whale tail appeal to it, her booty shorts and neon green thong giving her added visual value, her portrayal of a female “Jay” character (smart talking, disrespectful, streetwise) so on spot that I wanted more, a lot more. This was strictly a blowjob only and her wonderful oral skills resulted in her taking a facial of population pudding with Mark beating his meat to milk his balls.

Scene Three: Jayden Lee, a perky Asian with a pretty face, was up next in the video booth watching old time Vivid porn (so old that Tom Byron was a kid) with Barry Scott. His hands were all over her as she reached in to stroke his pecker, the guy pawing her ample boobs and savor them orally as he removed her red shirt. Her jeans tossed aside, her white panties offered scant resistance to his hand as he rubbed her kitty, some gash gobbling and rimming leading to her briefly inhaling his modest rod. That resulted in an active vaginal ride, Jayden impaling herself on his cock in cowgirl variations with the mope slapping her cute ass. This continued until the slower anal took place, Jayden’s eye contact and level of chemistry with him modest but certainly good enough to add some replay value. The anal became faster as they continued, Jayden doing ATM to clean him off before the facial of spunk (sharing it with the television) and a few post coital penetration positions.

Scene Four: Kelly Divine, the curvy babe seen on the upper left front corner (as “Silent Bertha”), and sexual dynamo Chastity Lynn, were up next being accosted by officer Evan Stone. He helped remove Chastity’s cloths so Kelly could rim her, his own cock being stroked to life by Chastity though the ladies both gave each other some fine lesbian tricks before working him over like crazy. Sexually, this scene was probably the best either in or out of context of the feature elements, Kelly’s wonderfully sexy ass and Chastity’s sexually aggressive behavior making it stand out. Kelly almost lost her silent persona here but caught herself as Chastity provided a streaming and endless supply of dirty talk, her ability to make the role her own such that it begged for some sequels. They polished his knob in a tag team effort, his balls and rod devoured to get him as turgid as possible, their eye contact superior as they continued to look up at him to gauge the impact they were having. Both ladies engaged him anally and what helped make it as strong a scene was just how the ladies both assisted each other as they continued earning their freedom. It ended when Evan rubbed out a load of splooge all over their faces and hair, the ladies kissing to share the liquid lunch as they took their verbal warning in stride.

Scene Five: Allie Haze, this time in a blue shirt and bright pink shorts, was up next with sad moper Brian Street Team. They were standing near the Evil Angel selection of DVDs and kissing when he helped her remove her shorts to reveal a landing strip of pubic hair but not panties. He cupped her juicy ass and she pawed his package, the gal assisting him with his own pants to gain better access to his rod for some active sucking. The hand assisted hummer went deeper than expected and he ate her out (front and back), the guy soon pounding her pussy rapidly as she moaned in pleasure during the flexible, standing fucking. This continued onto the floor, Brian unable to hold off popping too soon; the wad of ball batter left glazing her crotch though the couple went right back to drilling her some more.

Scene Six: Lexi Swallow, the busty blond seen on the lower right corner of the group shot on the cover, was up last in a lesbian tryst with Allie Haze all over the porn shop. They nuzzled boob and crotch alike, kissed and pawed one another like they were driven to do so, and came across as very much into each other. The ladies were hot and given plenty of time to get acquainted, their hands and some toys deployed to elicit their juices flowing with their panty clad exploits on the red love seat looking especially strokable. This was the first time in the movie that Lexi’s character had little to say but her tongue did the talking, their vibrators buzzing away at full blast to get them off and the ending solo action where they sat side by side was smoking hot too.

Summary: Clerks XXX: A Porn Parody by director B. Skow for Vivid had a great many clever touches, the writing by renowned David Stanley helping make the wonderful acting by hotty Allie Haze and sexy Lexi Swallow really stand out in the crowded parody field. The sex was strokable and had ample replay value to merit distinction as well but in terms of the overall package, I found this to be worth at least a rating of Highly Recommended for those who want something more than a gonzo fuck flick. It should be noted that although pornified, the feature elements emulated the original rather than copied them as many in the field do these days, making this stand on its own as a wildly entertaining movie, the fun factor I enjoy being present in great quantities. I strongly suspect this will merit a lot of consideration for numerous awards later this year too, Allie Haze & Lexi Swallow joining Skow and Stanley as reasons why it could win big. Chastity Lynn and Kelly Divine as “Jane and Silent Bertha” were even good enough to merit a possible sequel or three, Chastity letting loose in the feature elements to steal the show any time she appeared on screen. In short, Clerks XXX: A Porn Parody went the expansive route as far as parodies go and the results were nothing short of spectacular so give it some consideration when it comes out next week, especially for fans of the Kevin Smith original.