Director:Alessandro Del Mar

Cast: Jamie James, Priva, Diana Gold, Katy Caro, Simonne Style, Justine Ashley, Kathy Anderson, Diana Lion, Electra Angels, George Uhl, Kevin Long, Max Cortes

The worst thing that a dirty movie can be is boring, and Mystery Island is dull, dull, dull. The only thing even remotely entertaining here is the horrible dialogue, uttered by actors with absolutely no skill in a variety of sometimes unintelligible accents.

Audio/video quality: While it may fall short as entertainment, Mystery Island gets high marks for presentaion. Shot on digital video, it looks great, and director Alessandro Del Mar makes the most of his tropical location with lots of gorgeous landscape. The color saturation is excellent, and the picture is consistantly clean, clear and sharp. The Dolby 2.0 stereo sound is excellent, crisp and clean -- although sometimes the dialogue gets swallowed up by ambient sounds, which can be a problem when shooting outdoors on location.

Extras: In addition to a standard gallery of credits for the girls in the film, there's a 16-minute behind-the-scenes featurette that mainly consists of the film's actors being handed a microphone and having no idea what to say.

Scene 1:

Two brothers have a gorgeous yacht anchored somewhere in the Grenadine islands. Vincent (the bald one) offers Sean (the skeezy one) the chance to "have fun" with some friends while Vincent visits a nearby banana plantation, to which Sean replies, "Are you crazy? I am married weeth Barbara!" Too-tan, greasy-haired Sean then holds his bandana-wrapped head in his hands, perhaps to show us how conflicted he is, you know, 'cause he's married with Barbara (Jamie Brooks).

Vincent takes a dinghy to the plantation, leaving Sean behind with Vincent's friends, a blond and a brunette. After a couple of "nice to meet yous," the girls are writhing around next to Sean as they all stand on the prow of the boat, in a manner which implies that there are sandcrabs clawing their way out of their thong panties. Breasts are rubbed while Caribbean music plays. There's an attempt on the part of the director to be artistic with the camera angles, swooping sideways like the old "Batman" television series, then pulling back -- sometimes waaaaay back, so that you can barely see what the three are doing -- in order, it seems, to get as much of the boat in frame as possible. It's not very sexy. They also jump into anal sex very quickly, and without any on-screen application of lube. Ouch!

Scene 2:

The actual plot, such as it is, involves the woman Sean is married with, Barbara. She's wandering around the island doing some sort of ill-defined research on the local ruins, taking lots of pictures and working her eyebrows into an expression designed to convey, "I'm thinking about things." She gets freaked by the appearance of weird-looking, be-robed monk, but that doesn't stop her from coming back the next day, wandering aimlessly some more, taking pictures and thinking. When she puts her hand on a rock, she has a psychic memory of the long-ago residents of the now-ruined plantation – a young woman and her lover, who cheats on her with her prettier sister and best friend (Diana Gold, Electra Angels). In this case, we get the same basic routine as in the previous scene -- fondling, cock sucking, and non-lubricated anal sex (only this time involving people in Colonial garb).

Scene 3:

The couple from the banana plantation fuck in the middle of a day-lit field, mostly standing up, and it doesn't look comfortable, believable or exciting. They also have a three-way with a gorgeous native-type girl (Priva) on a chaise lounge, which involves a fair amount of cock-sucking, masturbation and looking into the camera. Vincent shows up and they pair off, fuck some more, and then the boys come on the girls. While this ought to have been hot, it really just leaves the viewer wondering, What about Barbara? Who was the creepy monk? Can we get back to the plot? When you find yourself fast-forwarding through the sex scenes to get to the story in a porn flick, something's terribly wrong.

Scene 4:

And what about Barbara, you ask? Who knows? Her psychic experience leads her to have a vivid dream that she's on the beach in a psychedelic bikini, fooling around with Cheating Colonial Guy and another fellow we've never seen before. There's a lot of breast fondling – I mean, a lot – and then she starts jacking them both off while they stand in shallow water. The men both look rather silly with their yellow swim trunks around their knees, but Brooks does a far better job of looking like she's enjoying herself than the other actresses in the film – even if she does spend much of it standing on one leg, hopping like she's on a pogo stick. Eventually they make their way to the beach and, if you can get over worrying about the potential for sand in delicate areas, the trio's DP scene is pretty darn hot.

Scene 5:

Another trip to the island leads Barbara to discovering some more secrets, while skeezy Sean fucks a pair of blonde twins (Justine Ashley, Kathy Anderson) on the beach, with everyone's asses coated with sand. Several minutes of kissing and outside-the-clothes fondling leads to both girls sucking Sean's cock and then engaging in more of that awkward, standing-on-one leg fucking that was seen in the previous scene. The director's favorite position -- woman on top of man, taking it up the ass -- is employed, here with an almost Cirque du Soleil level of acrobatics. Sean shows his appreciation for the girls' hard work by jerking off on their tits. Elsewhere, the mysterious hooded monk guy kidnaps Vincent and one of the chicks. For fans of bald guys and topless girls screaming behind their duct-taped mouths, this last bit is excellent.

Final thoughts:To share any more would ruin the Shyamalan-like twist at the end of Mystery Island. If you like tropical landscapes -- blue water, swaying palms, birds sitting on tree limbs -- this is a gorgeous flick. As porn, however, it's awful. The action is painfully stagy and unbelievable, the women have all been coached to look directly into the camera (breaking that fourth wall of cinema), and everyone looks kind of bored.