First Impressions:
Perhaps it's time for the smut business to start its own consumer advocacy program. With such a watchdog organization staring over the shoulder of porn producers and directors, we may be able to avoid the limited pleasures of something like Squirters. Now, when you hear a label like that, what's the first thing that comes to mind? Dull, boring hardcore? Limited lady liquid with very little of the accompanying arousal? How about overdone male bravado mixed together with seemingly soulless female companionship? No, what you want from something called Squirters is lots of intense guy/gal grinding, frequent displays of girl goo and the impression that the gals are enjoying this ersatz exchange of bodily fluids as much as their partner. Unfortunately, none of that likely lewdness is available. Instead, performer/director Mr. Pete has created a completely derivative, uninspired collection of basically bone dry babes. Compared to she sluicers like Cytherea or Flower Tucci, the talent here is mostly Mojave. Sure, we get a couple of minor femme fountains, but overall, the situational setup involved – first timers let Pete pummel their privates for a shot at female flowing – is all anti and very little climax. It makes for a lackadaisical display, and when you add in all the flaccid fucking, you get a very unimpressive title.

The Sex Scenes:

Whoever thought the idea of stopping a sex scene midway through to allow Pete a chance to jostle a g-spot must have been sniffing water-based lube at the time. At several significant moments throughout the mannered fuck and suck offered, we witness attempts by the director to deliver the snatch sauce. There is no style or grace to it. Pete puts half his hand inside a lady's loins, shifts her sands in a rather rough manner, and then prays for a little pussy potion. More times than not, he ends up drier than a Georgia liquor store on a Sunday. If there is anything of benefit that can come from these constant coital interruptions, it's the fact that we don't have to suffer through any more of the dicking. This has got to be some of the most boring sex The Dirge has ever had to tolerate. The pairings are poor, the women unimaginative and the men mere over-aggressive appendages. If that's all you require from your erotica, then by all means, give Combat Zone some of your hard-earned ducats. But if you want actual sizzle for your silver, you need to look elsewhere.

Scene 1: Chloey Morgan, Taylor Nix, Mr. Pete, Mark Wood
Acts Performed: Blowjob, Girl on Girl Cunnilingus, Fingering, Squirting, Cowgirl, Ball Action, Alternating V to M, Standard V to M, Reverse Cowgirl, Doggie, Anal Fingering, Pile Driver, Face Sitting, Mish, $hot on Face
Score: 2 out of 5

In this confusing two on one (Mr. Pete is there for the hamfisting, remember?) our female pair appears clueless and less than enthused. Everything they do is like a glorified strip tease – flashy, phony and as erotic as a geriatric Girls Gone Wild video. For fans of gal on gal action, these two barely bring on the Sappho and they can't seem to coordinate the two mouths on one member paradigm. Add in Wood's catawampus wang, strangely bent to one side, the awkward personal parameters it causes, and the overall lack of heat, and you've got one bad omen of things to come.

Scene 2: Persia DeCarlo, Mr. Pete
Acts Performed: Ass Oiling, Doggy, Blowjob, Mish, T to M, Tit Fucking, Cowgirl, Doggy, Anal Doggy, $hot to Mouth
Score: 2.5 out of 5

Because of her unusual looks, which give off an ethnic, evocative vibe, and the generous use of oiling throughout the scene, Mr. Pete and Persia deliver the only interesting humping in the entire set. This leading lady really gets into the action and our auteur really responds to her desires. The images of a greased gal bouncing up and down on a large cock, and the similar sight of said big boner buried between her slicked up tits make for some exciting sexual escapades. On the downside, there are a limited number of positions, and it's all over before it begins. That's too bad really. It's a nice, naughty sequence, yet it can't save the rest of this slop.

Scene 3: Annette Schwarz, Mr. Pete, Mark Davis
Acts Performed: Cunnilingus, Fingering, Squirting, Blowjob, Ball Sucking, Doggy, V to M, Reverse Cowgirl, Spin to Side Saddle, Spin to Cowgirl, Mish, Pile Driver, Face Fucking, $hot to Mouth
Score: 2 out of 5

With Pete again "on hand", everyone's favorites pigman, Mark Davis, is determined to turn his sequence with Annette into something special. Unfortunately, nobody clued her in. More or less lifeless as she takes cock in her various cracks, the pair performs like seasoned veterans, but there is very little electricity in their coupling. The chemistry is more or less non-existent, and when Davis twists his paramour around his pole, moving from cowgirl to sidesaddle to reverse in one continuous coital moment, it has a slight sense of inventiveness. But after a while, we find ourselves sitting around waiting for the mandatory spunk to pie hole moment. Apparently, that's where Pete likes his puppets to place their peter pudding.

Scene 4: Aralyn Barra, Mr. Pete, Mark Davis
Acts Performed: Cunnilingus, Dueling Head, Salad Tossing, Doggy, Foot to Head, Mish, Face Fucking, Ball Sucking, Toe Sucking, Anal Spoon, Anal Reverse Cowgirl, DP in the Reverse Cowgirl Mode, DP in the Cowgirl Mode, $hot to Mouth
Score: 1.5 out of 5

When you can't make DP interesting or entertaining, when two dicks in one chick comes off as unoriginal and uninvolving, you know you're in tawdry trouble. Even with Davis and Pete piling on the pud, Ms. Barra appears lax and jaded, as if she knows that the only reason she's there is to provide holes for her partners to plug. As with most of the female performers present, Aralyn is not an experienced, efficient or effective ejaculator. She gives it a try, but no matter how hard Mr. Pete pries, she just can't come up with the cunt cream.

Scene 5: Payton Lafferty, Mr. Pete
Acts Performed: Blowjob, Mish, Doggy, Spoon, Foot Sucking, Reverse Cowgirl, Standing Cowgirl, Cowgirl, V to M, $hot in Mouth

Score: 1 out of 5

The final scene is perhaps the worst of the entire set, and it's not really Pete and Payton's fault. Indeed, they seem more connected than other couples on the disc. No, the reason this sequence of sex is a stinker is the completely redundant nature of the nookie. Aside from a minor moment of foot sucking, we go through the standard suck and fuck motions, situations that are very flat and lifeless. All we have to look forward to then is the perfunctory pop. How fun. There is no invention here, nothing novel or original. This could be any number of players plowing through the poon. It sums up everything that's wrong with this supbar XXX spectacle.

Disco Dirge Peter Meter Rating: 2 out of 5 (Skip It)
Cohabitation Certification: Granted

As an example of the title trick, with all its gooey goodness, this is the worst female ejaculation release The Dirge has ever had the displeasure of dissecting. As a collection of your typical carnal delights, Squirters is equally underwhelming. With so many better offerings on the market, with collections that really emphasize the balling and the babe broth, this Mr. Pete production earns an easy Skip It, mostly for how insipid and boring it truly is. There is nothing present that would offend couples, aside from the mediocre levels of fuck and suck present. This means that a Cohabitation Certification is warranted, and more or less wasted. As pornography continues to propagate, going literally overboard in the number of digital and downloadable packages available, there will be more and more presentations like the pathetic Squirters. The curiosity factor alone might bring in a few of the rubes, but the Dirge is here to say that this is some incredibly disappointing adult entertainment.