Writing Online Dating Profiles: Truth or Dare with Love or Lust

There May Be a Lot of Fish in the Sea, But Who Wants to Date a Fish?

The world has never been more interconnected than it is now, so it should be easy to meet someone of our preferred sex with things in common, including mutual attraction and, if desired, romantic love. Yet many women have given up looking and many men feel desperate in their search. Isolation during the pre-vaccine days of COVID did not make things easier, although it did drive more of us online.

When I rode dinosaurs to work each morning, we used newspaper, telephone, and video dating resources. We still needed to write a tantalizing introduction and possibly include a photo for easy identification at whatever restaurant we met in. When online dating was introduced, pearl-clutchers everywhere fretted that it would lead to any number of unhappy endings for the women foolish enough to give it a try. Now, it’s commonplace.

However, the stress and performance anxiety of writing a profile remains.

Not everyone is good with words and even wordsmiths sometimes need help to figure out what kind of person or relationship they seek and what they have to offer in return. Additionally, we must decide how honest to be when we describe ourselves in our profile. Anyone who has ever gone on a date after exchanging messages with someone online knows that not everybody tells the truth and not all photos are equal.

A mild example of this relates to the reported vs. actual heights of men. In 2021, data from the Census Bureau and Center for Disease Control found that men who are six feet tall tended to claim to be taller. Ironically, men who really are taller than six feet tended to claim to be shorter. Men between five-foot-two and five-foot-11 were more likely to stay close to the truth.

It’s tempting to fudge the truth, thinking it will attract us more potential dates. But will it attract the right kind of dates? If someone responds with interest, who are they expecting to meet? Us or the false image that we have created for our profile? Not everyone is a professional writer or feels confident that they can write a compelling autobiography, but it’s really not that hard once you think like a journalist and answer the following questions:

Who: This is where we introduce ourselves.

What: This is where we explain the kind of connection we’re looking for and what kinds of things we’d like to do once we meet.

When: This is where we mention the pace we want to take before we meet.

Where: This is where we are located geographically. It can also be places we like to go.

Why: This is why we’re special and should get laid and/or loved.

How:  This is how we can meet; how we can spend time together; what we like to do when alone, with friends, with pets, and with the person/people we hope to meet.

WHO

They say you only have one opportunity to make a first impression. Fortunately, you can update your online profile as often as you want. We live in a short-attention-span world, so unless we’re super compelling when we write, we need to keep it short and pithy. If this is too intimidating, enlist the help of a friend who both likes you and can write better.

Mention hobbies and interests that our honey-to-be might enjoy participating in with us. List milestones that give insight into our history. We’re a visual culture, so at least three to five good, current photos should give our account visitors a peek into our reality and provide possible matches with something to ask about. Quality selfies are nice, but pictures with friends, pets, and hobbies give visitors a better idea about us. A headshot without sunglasses or hats, a full-body photo, and some activity shots can really increase the chance someone we like will respond.

This can be a good place to pose an open-ended question that will encourage people to write to us. Some apps provide prompts to help with this. Photos will draw people to our profile but what we write and reveal about ourselves really does affect how attractive we’re considered. It’s okay to talk about our work or education, but not to bitch or boast about them.

Again, it’s tempting to write what we think will draw people, but if we want to draw the kind of people we want to spend time with, it’s best to be as honest as we can be without handing over the keys to the kingdom or the PIN to our bank account. There are genuine romance scammers out there, so be on guard for them and watch for red flags.

WHAT

There’s nothing more frustrating than meeting up with someone who is looking for a long-term committed relationship when we’re just looking for someone who can last in bed for a long time. That’s why it’s so important to be clear about what we’re looking for. We don’t have to talk shit about what we aren’t looking for or what came before. It’s better to look forward and write about what we want to create instead of looking backward and obsessing about what went wrong. We need to save the drama for our mama.

This is a great place to boast about what makes us special. What have we done? What do we like to do? What do our friends remember us for? What do we hope to accomplish with our profile? Do we want romance, love, marriage, and a family? A summer fling? A partner to join a pre-existing poly relationship? A kinky play partner? A friend with or without benefits? Someone to hot cam with? Someone to mall walk with? This shit is important and the less confusion we can inspire in profile visitors, the better for everybody.

This is the perfect place to mention any deal breakers, traits, or values that we have. Are we dedicated to a child-free life? Are we open to partnering with single parents? Do we want to have a passel of prodigy? Are we allergic to or freaked out by cats, dogs, snakes, lizards, ant colonies, or other creatures one might have as a pet? Are we clean and sober? Do we smoke weed like a Rastafarian? Are we monogamous? Bisexual? Polyamorous? A swinger? Do we want to limit our matches by political or religious identification? Are we willing to date someone with herpes? Now’s a good time to get that out in the open.

WHEN

Are we in a hurry to meet our potential BFF, soulmate, or fuck buddy? Or do we want to move at a slower pace and get to know one another with chat conversations, video calls, photo swaps, and long emails about things that matter before meeting? Sooner may be better for flings, although it’s still best to take enough time to make sure we agree on prophylactic and contraceptive practices.

WHERE

Here’s our chance to talk up our city, town, village, farm, co-op, commune, neighborhood, household, favorite coffee shop, bookstore, or other place to meet up. It helps to give a few examples of why/these are so cool and what makes them special both to us and in general.

WHY

In our heart of hearts, we know that we are quite the catch. The challenge is to find the words and photos to convince others (and possibly us) that we mean that. We’re discouraged by our culture from boasting about ourselves unless we’re mega-rich, laying down some dope tracks, or vamping down a supermodel fashion runway. Nonetheless, this is our opportunity to pimp our ride with the ride being us.

The trick is to keep it fresh. It’s one thing if we like to play Mondo Croquet and attend SantaCon, but if we enjoy walking on the beach or lounging in front of a raging fire, it’s easy to sound like every other polo-shirt-wearing lonely heart. When stuck for the right words, it can help to browse through other profiles and see which ones catch our attention, then learn from them.

HOW

Here’s where the rubber meets the road. Do we want to meet our match online and swap saucy pictures and words? Do we want to do some live cam dirty talk and masturbation shows for each other? Would we rather meet up for a nature walk, a pickleball game, a concert, a trip to the library or a bookstore, some swing dancing, a visiting carnival, or a church hot dish gathering? Maybe a virtual meeting via Zoom or Microsoft Teams would be a good first “face-to-face contact.

At the very least, we should let our potential future spouse know what we like to do when we’re not scheduling a date with them. Do we walk our dogs? Worship our cats? Body surf? Volunteer for soup kitchens? Fight the power? Donate blood? Donate sperm? Dominate local karaoke culture? It’s another chance for us to connect with potential friends or lovers. Even if they’d never do any of the things that we do, they know those are the kinds of things that we do, and they might be invited to do with us.

SUMMATION

Online dating is like meat world dating. We never know what we’re going to find. Sometimes it’s the bride or groom of our dreams, sometimes it’s the biggest dick or the wettest pussy we’ve ever shared an orgasm with, sometimes it’s the perfect pinochle partner, and sometimes it’s someone who reminds us of a human manifestation of oatmeal. Sex and romance play dice with our lives, so the best we can do is keep refining our profiles and learning more about ourselves. The better we know ourselves, the easier it will be to explain why someone else should have us in their life.