Masturbation When Partnered: Is it Cheating or Harassment?

Solo Sex is Healthy and Natural Even for Cohabitating Intimates.

Recently, my friend Ico Edward Fish, the Wandering Love Mystic, forwarded a social media exchange he had seen online that was troubling. A man had posted that he masturbates and doesn’t understand why his female companions have been so upset about it. He then clumsily attempted to explain how he thinks solo sex, intercourse, and lovemaking are different and discrete activities to men more than they are to women. I believe this is a sad cliché, but even sadder were the anti-masturbation responses…by women.

It's taken a long time for any of us to be able to admit we masturbate and not find ourselves shunned, assaulted, involuntarily institutionalized, labeled a deviant, a slut, hypersexual, or a nymphomaniac. We no longer strap our children down so they won’t touch themselves while they sleep. Neither do we put women in asylums because they were caught touching themselves “down there.” Crazy amounts of money are spent on sex toys for men and women today and we see sexual images everywhere. Frankly, Americans like to talk about sex a lot. Yet, the stigma against masturbating while within a relationship remains.

Especially when we do it while in bed with our sleeping partner.

This was made enormously clear when it was revealed that the original poster had defended a man who had masturbated in bed while his girlfriend or wife slept next to him. The behavior was labeled “crossing a serious consent boundary” and a form of “sexual harassment” by female respondents. These are strong accusations about a situation we don’t know the context of. It does, however, reveal some interesting ponderables about body autonomy, sexual autonomy, privacy rights, communication, negotiation, boundaries, jealousy, insecurity, shame, and guilt.

Masturbation is often seen as a threat to a relationship or a sign that we prefer solo over partnered sex. Ironically, masturbation can help our relationships because it puts us in touch (literally) with our bodies and what gives them pleasure. We can learn what things we like during intercourse through self-exploration. This makes it easier to explain what things turn us on. It is also a stress and pain reliever, a form of self-care, and can help with sleep. Male masturbation also contributes to prostate health.

But what about jerkin’ the gerkin’ or strokin’ the pearl when our sweetie is asleep next to us? Is that cool? Is that a serious consent violation? Is it a form of sexual harassment? It seems to me that the answer is, “It depends.” If the topic has never come up, it can be quite a surprise to wake up to a loved one taking matters into their own hands, especially if they’re loud or there has been conflict or neglect. If the topic has been discussed, then it’s very much a case-by-case situation. If it hasn’t been discussed, now’s the time.

How do we do that, though? Most of us did not grow up in households that discussed sexuality in a healthy or informed way. Many of us are recovering from sexual or relationship trauma. Few of us have an instinct for discussing visceral topics, so it’s hard to know where to start. Here are some of my recommendations:

• Does everyone agree on whether masturbation is healthy and normal?
• Does everyone agree on what is and isn’t cheating?
• If masturbation is acceptable, is there an agreed-upon location? Does it include the bed?
• Is it a timing issue? Does our masturbation interfere with our partner’s needed sleep?
• Is everyone getting enough of the kind of shared sex that they want?
• Is it okay to join in or do we want to be left to our own devices?
• Are any objections based on religious, trauma, or insecurity-related reasons?

Any one of these questions can lead to a meaningful discussion that, ideally, strengthens our connection with the object(s) of our affection. When there is conflict, a mental health professional with a specialty in sexuality and relationships can be a big help in providing a safe place to have guided and mediated conversations.

It may be more a matter of etiquette than abuse since none of us were handed Emily Post’s Guide to Socially Acceptable Self-Stimulation when we hit puberty. This means we have to talk to each other, which is sometimes the most difficult thing to do because it requires that we know our needs, can explain ourselves, are willing to negotiate, compromise, have compassion for one another, and discuss the matter in good faith.

And masturbators? There are things we can do to help reassure any sweetie who feels slighted or uncomfortable. We can tell them how attractive they are. We can touch them casually at least once a day. We can reflect on what we enjoy about shared sex with them. We can make time to be intimate with or without sex. In a word, we can make them feel special. In a second word, we can make them feel loved.