When “Therapy-Speak” Threatens Instead of Builds Community

Mental Health Terms are Useful but Nuances are Lost on Social Media.

Sometimes it feels like everyone in the various “alternative lifestyle communities” is in therapy, in need of therapy, or desperately seeking therapy. Some claim this is because broken and damaged people are drawn to kink, consensual adult sex work, polyamory, naturism, and swinging, which is why we talk about mental health more than the mainstream. I disagree.

Cultural “wisdom” tells us that those who do not speak of such things have nothing to talk about because nothing happened. This is not true. We live in a world where too many of us have to survive abuse or trauma from things beyond our control. We develop coping mechanisms. Some are functional. Some are functional for a while, then become a hindrance. Some of them were never a good idea. But we get through our lives as best we can and most of us try to do as little harm to ourselves and others as possible while doing so.

When we step outside of sexual and gender roles deemed acceptable by so-called civil society, success depends on at least minimal introspection and self-examination. While being a white, cis, het, male/female in a monogamous marriage has plenty of its issues, there are cultural and legal templates that provide handrails, maps, and cheerleaders when things get confusing. This is not necessarily the case for those of us who venture off the beaten bath. Depending on where we live, a therapist can guide us through the tricky and the lucky times, although it can be difficult to afford or locate an appropriate mental health professional.

For better or worse, we live in a digital communication world and social media provides a virtual attempt to combine 21st-century technology with the 17th-century ideal of the “Commons.” Because of this, anyone who can get online can access a seemingly endless library of information, opinion, and entertainment. Some of it is invaluable. Some of it is worthless. Some of it requires finesse to fully grasp and express clearly. Much of it is highly nuanced and often it is situation sensitive. Terms such as “gaslighting,” “narcissist,” and “boundaries” can be valuable when mutually understood within a clinical setting but can serve as an inexact and unclear communication shortcut for people who rightly or mistakenly consider themselves or another to have been wronged, violated, or taken advantage of.

Just like the events that inspire their use, these words have power. Promising to use that power for good isn’t just for comic book heroes like Superman, it’s also a fair minimum standard for those in conflict or debate to agree on. This is especially important if we are “in the closet” about whatever we’re doing or have a position of high visibility. For that to happen, an understanding of some of the lingo and contexts within which it is most accurately applied is essential, particularly when engaged in online discussions of sexuality and relationships.

GASLIGHTING: One of the most frequently used and misunderstood therapy buzzwords, it earned Merriam-Webster’s 2022 Word of the Year. Frequently employed during online disagreements or when calling out a lie that will not be retracted, it is more accurately applied to situations where there has been long-term emotional abuse or mental manipulation by someone close and trusted. The motivation is power and control by making their target doubt their sanity by questioning their ability to remember things correctly.

BOUNDARIES: A useful word for those of us who attend sex-focused events, partner in non-traditional units, or engage in sex work. A boundary is a stated expectation, need, or desire expressed to help relationships run more smoothly and to demonstrate mutual respect. Different people will have different boundaries, but whatever they are, they should refer to the associated person’s conduct when confronted by distress or discomfort so others can be aware of it. Ideally, a boundary welcomes discussion and takes the needs of others into account. Using the word to control the behavior of others or avoid situations is not clinically accurate.

NARCISSIST: True narcissists, and I made the mistake of living with one for a couple of years, are a scary lot. Charismatic, self-confident, and so insidious. There are three major narcissist methodologies: overt, covert, and communal. Overt narcissists get off on making others feel small. Covert narcissists thrive on victimhood. Communal narcissists strive for accolades for their selfless concern for others. Contrary to what “sex-positive” social media would lead us to believe, at worst, 2% of the population has this personality disorder. Narcissism takes time to hone to its extreme, whereas just being rude, selfish, or self-absorbed requires next to no energy.

However healthy our relationship with ourselves or our partner(s), becoming part of a proactive, professional, therapeutic mental health connection is a big help. It can provide a structure within which we can develop ways to better express ourselves when we are triggered or experience trauma. It can also allow us a safe place to puzzle out which things are genuine triggers and trauma, and which things merely make us upset or sad.

We are all works in progress and when we permit ourselves to be emotionally or physically vulnerable within a sexual context, learning curves can be brutal, even tragic. Caution is merited while we navigate the sometimes-rough seas of sex-positive culture. A common, if ever-growing, lexicon of terms can build a community of like-minded people by providing a dialectic framework to work within.

When we learn just enough to weaponize the language of healing but not enough to heal with it, we do ourselves and the communities or relationships we want to grow a disservice at the least and a deep, ragged injury at the worst. With a new year arrived, let’s see it as an opportunity to be our better selves and increase our knowledge and understanding of ourselves and others.

“A little Learning is a dang’rous Thing;
Drink deep, or taste not the Pierian Spring:
There shallow Draughts intoxicate the Brain,
And drinking largely sobers us again.”
-- Essay on Criticism, Alexander Pope